The Inner Dialogue of the Pre Girl’s Night Out Struggle

I love a night out, having a purpose to wear something pretty, to apply perfume and make-up, and a reason to actually fix my hair. What I don’t love is the process it takes to get ready to go on such an outing. If you have a vagina, chances are you can relate to the inner dialogue that screams in my head Every. Single. Time. I go out.  It goes something like this:

4:49: I can’t wait to go out tonight. Should be funI’m supposed to meet the girls at 8:00. I have plenty time to clean my kitchen, mop the floor, cook dinner, practice spelling with son for tomorrow, and get ready. Hmmm…What should I wear? Oh, I’ll wear that green dress. What shoes? 

Ding: Oh, look, Beth mentioned me in a comment on Facebook. Wonder what it could be.

Two hours and seven minutes later …

Oh shoot! I have to cook dinner and get ready, but these girls keep talking about boobs and showing me naked pictures of men who look exactly like my book boyfriends.

Quickly types: “I have to go get dinner ready, mop the floor, shower, shave my legs and armpits, and work on spelling words for tomorrow’s spelling test. AND I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I’M WEARING TO GIRLS’ NIGHT OUT. See you later, girls.”

Runs through kitchen, pulls out frozen pizza, turns on oven, throws pizza into cold oven even though the directions clearly state preheat first, and grabs broom. Sweeps feverishly. Gets two paper towels and dampens them with water, puts one under each foot and scoots along kitchen floor like a penguin or a walrus or a pregnant woman purposely stopping at the place where son spilled Powerade after school. Looks around.

Good enough. Dangit, I forgot to set the timer on the pizza. It’s been about seven minutes. 

Sets timer for 18 minutes.

Runs to the shower. Strips and jumps into cold water.

Mother #@$% it’s cold. Who designed this place with the water heater in the attic? How am I supposed to shave my legs in this glacier cold shower?

Fifteen minutes later…Places two cotton balls strategically on cut ankles. Walks into closet searching for green dress. Pushes hangers aside in a panic searching for green dress like it’s the holy flipping grail.

Where is my green dress? 

Hand lands on dress. Pulls it off the hanger and tries it on. Stares at self for approximately eleven minutes and twenty three seconds in full length mirror.

Not bad.

Turns to the side. Sticks out chest and butt. Sucks in belly. Turns around. Looks over shoulder at butt.

Does my butt look funny? Oh my God. Yes. My butt looks terrible and weird. Is it the mirror? Why is my right butt cheek bigger than my left? How is it humanly possible to be this white? What is that? Is that a varicose vein? ON MY CALF? Jesus Christ!!! 

Pulls off green dress, throws it on the floor, and studies lopsided ass in the mirror.

I must have a tumor in my right butt cheek? Did I squat too much on one side? How can I build up my left cheek to match the right one?

Does 20 one legged left sided squats. Falls on the ground in underwear. Cries for a minute. Looks at the time.

What is that beeping? Oh no, the pizza. 

Runs into kitchen wearing only underwear and pulls slightly crispy (black) pizza out of oven. Calls kids for dinner.

“I’m not eating that,” Kid one.

“Gross. What’s that smell? Is something on fire?” Kid two.

“No darlings, it’s dinner. It’s a delicious pizza. Here sit down and have a slice, and I’ll let you have some of mommy’s candy stash for dessert.”

Little ungrateful brats don’t deserve my rolos. 

“I see your butt,” Kid two.

“Where are your pants?” Kid one in his best Lego Movie impersonation.

Leaves children cracking up and picking at burned pizza. Runs back into bathroom. Passes full length mirror and flips off reflection of lopsided ass.

Carefully walks into closet avoiding stepping on ass distorting green dress.

Maybe I’ll wear this white dress. It’s cute. No it’s going to rain. Throws white dress on the closet floor. Hmmm…how about this pink dress. That will look cute with the new bracelet Nikki convinced me to buy. Tries on dress, goes back to asshole mirror. Nope. Throws pink dress on the floor of closet. Ooohhh! I forgot about this. Takes never worn shirt from a hanger, holds it up to body, looks in the mirror, tries shirt on. Now I remember why it still has the tags on it. Hell no.

Walks out of closet defeated. Starts applying makeup. Turns on music to get in the mood for dancing. Shakes booty while powdering face. Daughter enters the room.

“Mommy, what are you doing? Why does your butt shake like that when you dance? It looks funny, mommy.” Breaks into hysterical laughter.

“Let’s turn on Bubble Guppies, my sweet honest little asshole girl.”

Runs back into bathroom ignoring both the full length mirror and the clock. Heart is racing. Runs to bar. Pours a glass of wine (shuddap it’s girls’ night out, and I’m ubering).

Back to the bathroom. Drinks wine while applying make-up. Pulls out new microfiber lash mascara purchased from friend who wouldn’t leave her alone on Facebook. Reads directions twice. Applies lashes.

What the actual? Eye is on fire. My eye is on fire. Eye is on fire. 

Runs to sink, puts eye directly under running water. When eye no longer feels like it is searing from its socket, stands up and looks in the mirror.

Great. I am a raccoon, with Medusa inspired hair. 

Hair is a complete halo of frizz. Sprays lion’s mane with leave-in conditioner then volumizer. Dries hair, continually tangling roll brush into hair and whisper screaming as the brush yanks clumps of hair out of scalp. Quality mirror check.

What is wrong with my hair? Why will it not lay down flat? Is that a gray hair?

Climbs up on counter and puts head up against the mirror. Plucks out three hairs just in case.

Why couldn’t the gray hair have been part of the scalping the brush just performed?

Notices smudges on mirror. Gets glass cleaner. Cleans smudge. Sees another smudge. Cleans it. Cleans the entire mirror. And the counter. And the shower.

Washes black stained face. Re-applies make-up. Opts out of microfiber eyes. Makes a mental note to delete “friend” from Facebook. Goes back into the fifth realm of hell aka the closet.

Pulls out nine dresses, three pairs of pants, five different tops, and two pairs of shorts. Throws all of it on bed. Looks at clock: 7:45. Grabs phone to request Uber. App has to do a manual update to work and asks for credit card number, phone number, drivers license number, name of first born child, social security number, bra size, and shoe size.

At least it didn’t ask for my ass size. 

Ding: Your uber will arrive in nine minutes.

Nine minutes? Nine minutes? 

Searches through nineteen outfits on bed, fourteen outfits on closet floor, and the dryer. Sits down in a panic on bedroom floor in nothing but bra and panties. Cries for about two minutes because:

I have absolutely nothing to wear. I must go shopping tomorrow. I have a lopsided ass, desperately need a tan and a hair cut, and my eye lashes are short and thin. I am not going. I want to stay home in my yoga pants and eat popcorn and rolos, but my kids just ate all my rolos. 

7:52 Ding: Your uber has arrived

Shit he’s early.

7:53 Ding: a text message from a friend: What are you wearing? I’m running late. I look like shit, and I’m already drunk.

Sigh. At least I’m not the only one.

8:01: Walks into closet.

It's kind of like a autopsy of clothes.

It’s kind of like an autopsy of clothes.

Puts on green dress, gold earrings, and tan wedges. Kisses darling children goodbye.

8:24: Arrives at bar. Greets the girls.

“Oh my God, you look so cute. I love your dress. Your ass looks amazing. Let’s have a glass of champagne.”

I have the best friends in the entire world. 

Toasts with girlfriends. Hears favorite song. Drags girlfriends to dance floor. Dances and dances and dances, twirling around in a haze of green and gold. Smiling and laughing.

Nik and Mandi

1:42: Quietly walks into house. Sheds green dress at the door, tan wedges in the hall, drops purse on the floor by the kitchen. Drinks 32 oz of water. Takes two tylenol. Walks into bedroom. Passes full length mirror. Winks and smiles at reflection.

Tell me, ladies … is it just me?

 

Excuse Me, Your Vulva is Showing

I don’t claim to be the most fashionable person in the room. Ever. But I pay attention to what others wear, and I can usually embrace most trends even if I don’t necessarily wear the style. I try to be open minded. When skinny jeans became popular, I had just birthed an eight pound baby, and I had no expectations of ever wearing anything “skinny” until a friend suggested I try on a pair, and voila: I looked skinny.

I’m not upset about the concert t-shirt coming back around or the bright colors from the eighties. I love color. I guess what I’m trying to say is that for a thirty something girl, I’m adaptable, and I want to stay hip. There are lines though that I can’t cross. That I won’t cross.

Apparently I missed the new trend in dresses. I’m calling it:  Cootchie Couture.

I attended my nephew’s wedding this past weekend. He’s twenty-six, so most of his friends are around the same age. I never thought I would be one of the older women in the room who couldn’t embrace the current fashion. Until Saturday night.

The majority of the girls at the wedding wore dresses that only slightly covered their booties. They brought a new definition of short to the short dress. I have no problem with a nice sexy dress. I have a few, and occasionally I’ll pull one out and where it, but I like to, at the very least, be able to bend over without showing my entire ass. These girls didn’t care. Their asses were on display All.Night.Long.

They danced, spinning around the dance floor, letting their bottoms cool in the breeze. True story. I saw more than one set of butt cheeks on the dance floor. I was sitting next to my seventy-four year old father. It was awesome.

There were the short and flowing dresses.

When she spins: her tooshy gets an air tickle

When she spins: her tooshy gets an air tickle

And then there were the short and tight dresses.

hootchie dress

I’m pretty sure she wants you to see her vulva

hootchie lace

Look, honey, I don’t even have to pull it up to …

 

Let me say this. These girls were gorgeous with pretty rocking bodies. Most wore the dresses well, except for the fact that when I see a girl whose vulva is hanging out of her dress, the first thing I wonder is why must it be so sexy? What is she trying to achieve?

I understand the high that comes from feeling like the prettiest girl in the room. I get that, but there’s pretty, and then there is over the top.

I wonder if our younger generation is too concerned with being overtly sexy. Just look at Instagram. I follow several fitness sites, and it’s mostly girls in almost nothing posing for pictures of themselves in the mirror. Duck faced with their boobs and butts hanging out. They get 10,000 likes, and men from all different languages tell them how sexy they are.

What scares me the most is that I have a four year old daughter. She was there at the wedding. Looking up to these girls on the dance floor (probably seeing their labia), and if this is what she thinks is “pretty,” what will she want to wear when she is twenty five?

I don’t want my daughter to think that sexual objectification is okay, and I worry that this fragile world where we live is going to give her that idea.

Here’s the kicker. I’m a huge hypocrite. I still boldly wear my bikini (even though some say I’m too old). I still wear shorts, sometimes they’re short. I still wear sexy dresses. I like the way I feel when I know I look great in what I wear. Who doesn’t? But I think that very fine line between sexy and sexualized is being crossed by this new trend: Cootchie Couture.

So to the girls whose vulva were showing at the wedding, I’d like to say this, “You are smart, and funny, and incredibly beautiful with long sexy legs without a trace of flab or a single dimple from that evil asshole cellulite. You seem kind and are probably a really great friend, and it looks like you make your boyfriend very happy. You don’t have to try so hard. You are unique and wonderful. Go cover up your vulva. Your mama will thank me.”

***I originally planned to post pictures that I took from the wedding, but I didn’t think that would be fair, so the pictures that you see were not actually at the wedding. The dresses were shorter. True story.

Next week on Cootchie Couture:  Swimwear: The MaxiPad bikini (you think I’m kidding).

If you missed my very first author interview, click here.

 

I’m on Drugs, and Pimpin Ain’t Easy

****Disclaimer: I’m on drugs and also a fall risk. (Just throwing that out there before you read any further.)****

Wait.I don’t need an intervention. I’m just on pain meds because I had surgery yesterday.

pills and bands

Do you feel sorry for me? Good. I need some pity. You’ll see why later. Keep reading. By the way, I’m in a lot of pain. I’m in more pain than I thought. Are you ordering me flowers? Don’t. Flowers die, and you don’t have my address, so you would probably send flowers to some other Mandi who would be like “Hey, why did I get flowers?” And then they would die. I’m digressing.

I guess I should tell you why I had surgery. No, I didn’t get boobs. I already have those. I said boobs. I really am on drugs. What was I saying? BOOBS!

Oh, yeah, why I had surgery. I’m kind of a gym rat, and by kind of, I am one. I exercise a lot. I usually play a little basketball with a friend and then we go to this class. The instructor calls it Pilates until you come to class, and then she says, “If you’re expecting traditional Pilates, you’re in for a treat.” She’s lying. It should probably be called “You’re about to get your ass, abs, arms and legs handed to you, and don’t even think about taking a break or stopping for a drink because I will yell at you, and I know your name!” But that’s too long to fit on the little calendar, so Pilates it is.

I’m a little competitive, so since I’ve been going to this class three times a week for over two years, I’ve made some friends in the class, and we started a competition. Who can out pilate the other. I like to win. Well, a week ago, I was in class and trying to win, but I kept having to take breaks, which is not my norm. I was dizzy and very nauseous. So much so that even the instructor came over to me and asked if I was okay. I muscled through (see what I did there?) and finished the class, but I could tell something wasn’t quite right.

Throughout the weekend, I felt worse and worse. I pushed through because someone very special had a very fun book release party, and I could not miss it, so I drank some wine and champagne and ignored the pain in my stomach.

Me: ignoring abdominal pain Beth: glowing new author

Me: ignoring abdominal pain
Beth: glowing new author

Sunday night after a busy day of family and Easter egg hunts and eating my weight in chocolate, I had to lie down, which is also not my norm. What’s a nap? I decided I should call my doctor. Monday morning, she confirmed I had a hernia and referred me to a general surgeon. I met with him on Wednesday. He looked at me for two minutes and said, “That’s gotta come out,” so I had surgery yesterday. No big deal.

Here’s where you come in. See, no flowers, I need something else. Do you l love me? How much do you love me? I love you. A lot. I would send you flowers and tell you how much in the card, but those cards are really small, and flowers die. I only like moist tulips anyway.

Drugs are bad, kids.

What was I saying?

Oh yeah!!  I’m about to release my VERY FIRST NOVEL, and I am so excited. I would jump up and down and do cartwheels, but I have stitches, so I can’t. I’m reaching out to you, my people.

Here’s a little bit about the book:

Paige Preston wants to end her life. After an unsuccessful attempt, she lands herself in mandatory therapy with a sexy psychiatrist. When he and an even more alluring friend begin to help her break down the walls she’s spent a lifetime building, Paige begins to see something bigger than herself. Is it enough to pull her out of her dark world and help her finally feel like a human? Or will letting someone in be the final step toward her demise?

Dear Stephanie is a sinfully addictive walk through a world of beauty, affluence, and incidental love that effortlessly moves the reader between laughter, tears, heartache, and hope with the turn of every “Paige.”

I’m about to be in your face with everything Dear Stephanie (that’s the name of the book, by the way). I would love some internet love. I need volunteers to read and publish a review on release day. I need tweeters to tweet my stuff or even retweet. Help me pimp.

“Pimpin ain’t easy, but it’s necessary.” – Abraham Lincoln

If you want to have me, I would love to come play on your blogs and talk about the book and the characters. But anything you are able to do, even if it’s just to tell me not to freak out, I need, and I will be eternally grateful forever and ever. Isn’t that what eternally means?

So who’s in? Remember up there when you felt sorry for me? Use that. Help you help me. Wait. See? I’m on drugs.

Here’s a link to my new author Facebook page:  https://www.facebook.com/authormandicastle

It’s pretty empty, but get ready for some exciting teasers and giveaways and all those things I’m supposed to do that I don’t remember right now.

***I have no idea what I just wrote, and now I’m seeing double, so I apologize for errors and other things. I didn’t edit this.***

Live: The Magic Happens

It’s not every day that something happens for the FIRST TIME EVER on my blog, but today is different.

We all know Beth, the blogger,  from Writer B is Me. We know Beth Teliho the author of The Order of Seven (which is live today), but only one of us (it’s me) knows Beth in real life.

Since I can’t give her to you, I’m giving you the next best thing. My treat for you today is as close to that as I can get.

We had a conversation. It took lots of convincing. When I said to her, “Beth, the magic happens outside of your comfort zone,” she finally agreed.

For the first time, you get to hear her and see her, and she’s reading an excerpt from her book. To you.

You’re welcome.

Listen, ingest the words. Like little blue pills, they will affect you.

Meet, the one and only (drum roll) Beth Teliho.

Applause. Applause. Applause.

If you still need more convincing, don’t take Beth’s word for it, take mine. Here’s my review of The Order of Seven:

Rich in description, this book takes your imagination on a sensual journey allowing you to see, taste, hear, and feel the plot. It’s hard to believe this is Beth Teliho’s FIRST novel. When I came to the line in the introduction: “But there’s another reason we want to explore our roots: our paranormal abilities,” I was hooked. I sat leaning over my kindle devouring each enticing word from this talented new writer. Normally a book with such detail would become mundane and boring, but the writing drew me in and didn’t let me stop until the very last word, and when I read that word, I sighed because I didn’t want it to end.

She gave me history, archaeology, fantasy, romance, suspense, and wonder all wrapped in a beautifully told story that spans across Texas, Oklahoma, Peru, and Africa (with sprinkles of other cultures as well). The intense research that must have gone into this novel along with the real and believable characters kept me hungry for more, and the ending…well, no spoilers.

Devi is a strong lead female character who’s still strikingly delicate. Sometimes she is angry and hostile but other times, she shows such endearing empathy. I liked her because she is real and natural, and I found myself cheering in her corner more than once. Plus, she has a little feisty in her. Who doesn’t love a girl who says what she thinks sometimes?

Then there’s Baron, just another book boyfriend to add to my list. Tall, dark, handsome…and not at all in the cliche way. He’s kind and warm but bold and sexy, with tattoos and a beard. Hold on while I wipe up my drool. Oh, and he’s basically a superhero…no big deal.

The remaining characters are alive and believable and come to life on the page. As I escaped into this luscious story, I felt like I was one of them.

If it were possible, I would rate this SEVEN GIANT STARS, a great read that spans across multiple genres. One click this. You won’t be disappointed

So….Are you as pissed at Beth as I am that she looks eighteen? Have you bought the book yet? What are you waiting for? Go. Buy it now!!!  And read it, and come tell me how much you love it, too!