Busted

It was bound to happen.

You know that moment when you’re doing something you’re not supposed to be doing, and you get caught?

That happened to me.

You see, this whole writing thing that I do has been a huge secret from most of my real life people for a long time, especially my family until last week.

I was sitting at my computer “working” at my new job when I got a text message from my dad.

IMG_1793

Ignore my typos (fat thumbs)

Yeah, my dad found my book. My dad, the preacher, found my book that says the F word a lot, the book where the main character indulges in all things bad: sex, drugs, sex, alcohol, sex, swearing, sex, and being a terrible person in general. Did I mention there’s a lot of sex in my book?

I may have had a mini heart attack upon reading that text.

Or thirteen.

I stared at my phone for five or fifty-five minutes unable to make words. Then I bravely dialed “Dad” and waited for his response.

“Well hello,” he said.

“Hi,” I may have whispered.

“So what’s new?”

“Um. Yeah. You have my book?” Heart palpitations, shortness of breath.

“I do,” I think he enjoyed my discomfort with the conversation.

“Okay, great. Well, don’t read it.”

“Oh, I’m reading it,” he confirmed, rather boldly actually.

He proceeded to tell me that he had plans to do nothing until he finished it, that he wanted to start it that night. I explained to him that there were terrible no good things (like a very detailed chapter about a one night stand with multiple orga um things, and another where she performs something for her boyfriend on her knees, all of which is written beautifully in HD detail) that someone of his religious affiliation and faith in the almighty God should never ever read, particularly when the fingers that typed those words belong to one’s daughter who one sees as a precious little gem who never ever would think much less create such smut…or something like that.

He stopped me mid self-lashing verbal diarrhea to say, “You know you could never do anything that wouldn’t make me proud, right?”

I swallowed the giant lump in my throat and managed a meek, “Yeah, well er … you haven’t read it.”

He then told me that he had read all of the reviews (51 five star reviews and counting) and all of my blog posts (double gulp) and that he knew what he was getting himself into. He also reminded me that he was in the Navy and that he spent forty years in construction and therefore would be surprised if there was anything he hasn’t heard. I didn’t bother to tell him I’m sure there was, as I mentally went through the glossary of words I made up like c*nt punch and slutoweem, et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. I ended the call and then threw up in my mouth.

And then I dry heaved in the toilet for the rest of the day.

I wonder if this is what coming out feels like (on an obviously very much smaller scale).

The point of this ridiculously wordy account is that I have been hiding something for which I’m really proud, and now that it’s out there, I realize how foolish that was.

Having it out in the open, being able to put my book out on my bookshelf in my home, having the freedom to talk about this book that came out of my brain is freeing.

It’s liberating. 

I think I should probably thank my dad for opening this door.

I hope that if any of you are living under this cloak of fear where I spent more than four years, you’ll do yourself a favor and boldly throw it off. Stand tall, and be you. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. Trust me. I only wish I had been honest from the start.

So now that we have that out of the way, tell me, what secrets are you keeping? It’s no big deal. This is only the internet. It’s not like your dad is going to read it. Oh wait.

But seriously … spill.

 

 

Advertisements

Things You Should Have Learned in Grade School but Obviously Didn’t

It seems that people aren’t getting smarter with the invention of smart everything, so in keeping with the giving season that it is, I’m offering you a quick guide to help you not look stupid. Or Stupider. Part of it is your own fault:

A lot = two words

A lot of you never learned this.

Cannot = one word

I cannot stand it when people think cannot is can not.

Anyways = not a word. Let me repeat: ANYWAYS IS NOT A WORD.

What way would you like to go? Any ways. Because ways is singular. OH WAIT! Ways is plural. Any is singular. Can’t work together, not ever.

Any way you try it, anyways will never be a word, but people will continue to use it anyway.

Your means ownership

You’re is a contraction: You are

So, here’s something that might blow your mind: It’s not “your welcome.” It’s “you’re welcome.” You cannot own a welcome. I don’t care how hard you try.  You can however own a welcome mat. Your welcome mat says you’re welcome to come inside.

There going to they’re grandmother’s house over their.  Guess what? Grandma is going to die first because they’re never going to make it there until they realize their grammar needs help.

You do not loose your keys.

Your pants are not lose.

You may lose your keys because your pants are too loose, but that’s a personal problem.

I am not “to” opinionated unless you are “to” stupid to understand that there are two (no wait) three words that all sound the same, and as adults who type, you should probably learn the difference. I have two friends. I would like one to be my best friend. The other one is too dumb. She says “anyways.”

Its a pretty day outside because the sun is shining in all it’s glory. Nope!

It’s: a contraction of It is

Its shows ownership.

I know it’s confusing because the English language has done its job to be a great big challenge.

Because you were your jeans too tight, it made it difficult to make it to wear you where going. Because where you were going was obviously not a book store, but you can wear whatever you want. You can’t accessorize stupid no matter how hard you try.

I have a whole nother subject to discuss. If you could see my screen, you would see that there is a red jagged line under nother. Take out whole. Push a and nother together. And I’ve just given you yet another thing to make you look less stupid. Lucky for you, I’m charitable.

Other things you should probably never ever say:

Irregardless

Supposably 

Conversate

Undoubtably

Seriously. Just . . . don’t.

Chances are, if you’re reading this, you already know these things and were able to have a good laugh. Feel free to share this on Facebook as I’m certain 99.7% of people who use it daily should have had to sit through Mrs. Lawrence’s third grade grammar lessons because they still say “should of.”

PS: I literally want you to share this because I figuratively want you to have my back.