I met my husband back in 1998 before Social Media ruled the world…even before Bob Dole invented the internet, or was that Dan Quail? Or maybe Obama? Okay, okay. Maybe the internet existed, but nobody used it…really. Back before Twitter and Match.com, how did we snag our mates when we couldn’t text them and get an immediate response, when we couldn’t stalk their Facebook page for pictures of their exes, before they could “check in” and we could just “pop in” where we knew they were? Well, I for one did it the old fashioned way. I put on make-up and donned that short little black dress that showed off my legs for days (shut up I’m not short) and my 19 year old perfect ass. And it worked. Every. Single. Time. But things have changed. Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to the new little black dress: Naked Selfies.
I recently learned that it’s fairly common practice for girls to send guys naked, (or half naked) selfies. Wait, what? Isn’t this along those lines of milk and cows and giving things up for free? Not leaving anything to the imagination? Right, mom would not approve.
Don’t even get me started on the demise of society through selfies. I can go on and on about my antipathy for them. In fact, I’m president of the club: MAS.
But curiosity always kills the cat right? My follow up question was, “Does this actually work?”
His response, “Naked selfies almost always work.”
He said almost: Click here…do it! Do it! Do it!
Hmmmm…. So I started to ponder how this could affect my own life. Being that I’m extremely self-centered, I asked myself: How often do I pull out my “little black dress?” Truth…almost never. My daily uniform consists of yoga pants, a tank top, and sneakers…always sneakers. I wear my hair in a pony-tail bun about 85% of the time. Make-up gets used on weekends and when I have to volunteer at my son’s school, but most of the time, I’m simple, plain, and boring…a dun dun dun…housewife.
Back when I worked, I wore tailored business suits, pretty silk blouses, and even high heels. My hair was always down, lipstick on, and I never left the house without accessories. The only jewelry I ever wear now is my Ironman watch…sexy, right? Back off, boys.
The truth is: there are girls out there sending naked selfies to guys in order to get laid. Maybe I need to try harder.
Don’t get me wrong. I take really good care of myself. I work out a minimum of 3 times a week. I eat healthy and avoid all of the junk foods, etc. But the buck stops there. I don’t spend a lot of time on my appearance or getting “pretty” even though behind my workout clothes and my pony tail, I’m quite sure a pretty girl still exists.
Yesterday I thought it might be fun to try an experiment. The same dude who said naked selfies always work also said that hair is a big deal to guys, so after I dropped my daughter off at school, I decided to actually spend some time on my hair. I got on Pinterest and found a tutorial on blow drying my hair. I know…those are out there. I could have also gone on to learn how to apply false eyelashes, but let’s get real. So after I showered, I spent (and I’m not exaggerating) 30 minutes blow drying my hair. Then I “put on my face” as my mom used to say, careful to apply blush and bronzer. I even wore lip gloss. I chose a cute, fitted shirt and my skinny jeans, and I pranced around the house all day, wondering if my husband would notice.
This just in, he didn’t.
Finally, after the kids were comfortably tucked into bed, I said, “Hey, man, I spent 30 minutes fixing my hair for you today.”
He said, “Why?” Then he smirked at me with his “I’m about to be an asshole” grin and said, “I fixed my hair for you, too, dude.”
I rolled my eyes and went to my bedroom where I changed from my skinny jeans to my much more comfortable pajamas and fell asleep on the couch.
I guess what I was hoping for was a spark….a little strike to a flame that often gets extinguished with the stress of everything on our plates: sick parents, kids, work, life, etc. I’m always looking for something, something that catches him off guard, something that makes him look twice, something so that I can, you know…get some. Up next I guess is naked selfies. Didn’t someone say that they “almost always work?”
Stay tuned….this could be good. Or really really bad.
Now, I’m off to find a Pinterest tutorial on the art of taking
naked sexy selfies. Right after I blow dry my hair.
What do you do to keep the spark afire? Are you guilty of letting it get burned out? Do you try new things to keep the magic alive? Anyone else want to join me in a naked selfie challenge?