The Penis Monologues

I wanted to get inside their heads, to find out what they were thinking, and by “they,” I mean men, so I asked three of my favorite online guys, and being the great sports that they are,  all three graciously agreed to answer our questions.  Apparently, I’m not the only one who wants to know because ladies and gentlemen, you brought some fabulous questions, so many that I am going to do a weekly installment of “The Penis Monologues” until we have them all figured out…and by “them,” I mean men.  

Today we tackle what men really think about appearance, but first let me introduce you to my guys.

I crossed the demographics and found us a single guy,  a guy with a girlfriend, and a married guy.

Representing the single guys is my California boy, Dave, aka Hellabuzzed. Did you hear that, ladies? This one is on the market.  One (and it’s hard to pick just one) of my absolute favorite things about Dave is his candor. He tells it like it is, and even if I don’t want to hear it, he’s usually right.  He’s adorable, charming,  smart, and he always makes me laugh. What’s not to love? If you’re interested, leave your bio in the comments, and we’ll see what we can do. Kidding…kind of.

Commonly referred across the interweb as “Hotberg,” is Phil. Phil likes to tease me with his hot (keep reading) spots around NYC over at his blog: The Regular Guy NYC. If you ask me, he’s anything but regular.  But ladies, we have to back off of this one.  He’s fully committed to his girlfriend.  He does, however, like to blog naked.  You’re quite welcome for the visual as you read his answers to our questions.  Is anyone else smiling?  I know I am. *winks at Phil*

And then to even out the playing field, I give you the married guy, Don. Don has a huge heart, is a great father, and a loving husband. He loves to swear and can be bribed with Bud Light Lime, but he can also tug on my heart strings when he tells stories of his kids.  He’s quick with his wit and with his pistol because when he isn’t writing over at Don of All Trades, he puts on a uniform, carries a gun, and keeps the bad guys where they belong.

Now that we know who we’re talking to, let’s pop open a beer, put our feet up, and get comfy in the man cave as we try to figure out what’s going on in those thick enigmatic XY heads.

Beth (who gets full credit for the title of this series) from Writer B is Me would like to know:

Do you even notice cellulite, or is it just women who obsess about it?

Dave:  Yes. Guys notice cellulite, and it is not attractive. It doesn’t matter if it is white, brown, black or any color; however, I have a lot of respect for women I see out at the gym or walking around town in little short shorts wearing cellulite proudly. It’s the people who decide to cover it up and not be proud of who they are that I personally don’t like. Wear skirts. Wear shorts. Wear what makes you comfortable. If you have it and don’t like it, change it. Exercise.  It’s not permanent. If you have cellulite or not, it doesn’t change who you are inside. Sometimes women just need to say “Fuck it. This is me….like it or don’t like it. Either way, kiss my ass.” Do women like men with big ole pot bellies? It’s the same insecurity.

Phil:  Of course we do, we’re not blind you know. We notice it just as much as we notice our own beer guts, receding hairline, and aging. Men are vain too, but we just hide it a bit better. I think women obsess about it more when it comes to body issue things. Most guys won’t mind if they really care about the lady they are with.

Don:  Is cellulite that stuff that looks like cottage cheese on the back of a woman’s thighs or ass that is totally gross and makes me shiver and want to both laugh and vomit when I see it? No, I don’t notice it. I guess if it were an extreme case, I’d notice, but I’m a pig and generally just stare at a woman’s boobs, so no worries about cellulite there. You women are all beautiful and shouldn’t worry about such silliness. You didn’t ask, but I’d say that it does look better tan though, as all things do. I feel like I’ve lost 20 pounds when I get some color on my skin.

Lizzi from Considerings asks:

Does it matter to you to look good for your woman, or is it a “done deal..why does it matter?” kind of gig?

Dave:  Yes it matters to me. First off, let me say that I am single currently, but I have been in every sort of relationship, so I can speak from experience. I take a lot of pride in making sure I am at my best most of the time, especially when I am in a relationship. I am fairly metro. I like to make sure my hair is always trimmed and my clothes are current and up to par. I like to work out but not because my girl wants me to but because it makes me feel better on the inside, which shows on the outside. I am not the best looking person in America, but I don’t take that as I shouldn’t be presentable. I expect certain things from my girl that I would assume she would expect back from me. I want my girl to take pride in doing her hair and makeup and making sure she looks good…But mostly because I want her to want to look good. You have to be secure in your relationship too. If she is the center of attention and everyone is gawking at her when she walks into a room,  that could be hard for a lot of people. I’m insecure just like the next person, but you have to have confidence. Confident in how you look, how you feel, and how you present yourself to others. Confidence, not arrogance.  For example, when you get married there is no reason to let yourself go. That just means you don’t care enough about yourself to try. I understand marriage and kids is a huge responsibility, but everyone needs time to work on themselves. Guys are very visual creatures. Give them something to look at…….

Phil:  It matters a lot to me to look good for my gal. It’s a total turn on for my woman to see me in shape, and the perks that come from working out and staying fit delivers even more in the bedroom. Plus, I’m the kind of guy that takes care of myself when it comes to grooming and clothes, whether it be times when I dress up or just go casual. Plus, gotta smell good and be clean, as good hygiene is a must. Life is too short to look like shit. Don’t be that guy who smells bad and looks like a shlub. Take care of yourself and look your best, as I know you ladies do appreciate it. Heck, we all know how long you ladies usually take to get ready and look good for us, it’s the least we can do.

Don:  There’s very little argument that I married up and my wife down in the looks department, but the funny thing is that I think I’m more confident in how I look than she is about how she does. Maybe that’s a woman thing? I guess my wife and I have been together long enough that I don’t really concern myself with how I look THAT much. Aside from my stunning handsomeness, I think she also loves me because I’m her friend and an okay dad to our kids, etc. so I don’t worry about her leaving me for dressing like a homeless man or rarely bathing like a single guy might have to worry about. I do still think about her sometimes, like before I get a haircut, or when I’m buying clothes or cologne. If I remember she mentioned she liked a certain style or whatever, then I’ll do that for her, yes.

Dana from Kiss My List would like to know:

Do you worry about aging the way women do? Lines, wrinkles, hair loss, weight gain – does any of that phase you?  How would you fight it, or is fighting it too girly?

Dave:  I worry about aging just as much as everyone else. I don’t obsess about it. I understand how life works, and I don’t fight it. Am I as handsome as I was at 20? No. Not even close, but I try to make myself feel young. I know I can’t go to Vegas and party all night anymore, but that’s okay. I am older, and I don’t need to anymore. The older you get the wiser you get. Unfortunately we are all in a fight against time, and time always wins. I worry about lines and wrinkles and getting fat, but I don’t let it run my life or control who I want to be. I can’t eat what I want now and not expect  the consequences…and I know that going into it. You have to know what you do will catch up on you….Yes, sitting at the beach or the pool is fun and relaxing but remember in 20 years, it’s going to ruin your skin. I actually support people who are into improving their image with surgery or treatments as long as you don’t look like a duck or Joan Rivers at the end….at that point, just face the facts. You are old. Accept that. Everyone gets old. Your boyfriend, spouse and family love you regardless.

Phil:  Sure, we notice it, but most guys don’t obsess about it as much as women do. I’ve been lucky that I still have my hair, and many women like the gray in it now. A few wrinkles add character. There’s the old adage that as men get older we get hotter and women not so much. I think that’s a case by case basis, and depends on how that person has kept themselves over the years, how they dress, genetics, etc. Living in NYC, I see a ton of hot sexy women 40, 50, and older. I also see a ton of guys in their 20’s and 30’s who look like crap and will age very badly. Personally, I’ll admit I have a healthy concern about how I look to others, and do my best to stay fit and youthful. Aging gracefully is bullshit. I’m going to fight it kicking and screaming until the end. So yes, we do worry about aging, but as human beings I think we all do. It’s up to that person to make the best of it. Everyone handles it differently.

Don:  Worry about what?? My appearance? I’m a generally average looking 40 year old man, so I don’t worry about the way I look so much. I have had periods where I’ve not liked the way I felt about myself and I do want to be healthy enough to see my kids grow up, so I guess I’m phased a bit by aging, yes. It certainly doesn’t consume me, but there are times when I see a wayward hair protruding from my ear or eyebrow and think to myself, “what the fuck?”

My 4 year old called me fat a couple of years ago, because I was getting fat, so I did sort of start working out/running to get myself back into semi-decent shape. For me, it’s how I feel more than how I look, but I can’t let myself go too badly because little ones are brutally honest and nobody wants to hear, “daddy your belly is really big” or “daddy you smell funny” all the time.

While I certainly don’t think it’s too girly to work out and try to look good, metrosexual or whatever is beyond my interest level for sure.

Joy from ComfyTown Chronicles asked:

How long do you have to be with someone before you no longer care what they’re wearing, or how long they spend on their appearance when you go out together?  Do pajamas ever really matter past the initial stage, I guess. Why or why not?

Dave:  You should always feel presentable. Don’t ever lose that feeling, everyone. If you feel like a slob, then people will look at you like a slob. When did you stop trying? When you are wearing sweats at the mall, your man is looking at the hot young thing wearing the skirt and low cut shirt. You want your guys to feel that way about you, not her. When you first start dating I understand you are always at your best and gradually it tapers off once you get more comfortable. Don’t ever get to the point where you don’t care….Then don’t cry about what happens after his attention goes elsewhere.

Phil:  Hey, nothing wrong with throwing on the sweats and a t-shirt on a lazy Sunday while watching tv and having bagels. Or just chilling out on the couch after a long day at work and getting comfortable. Yet, I don’t agree with letting it all go as the relationship progresses. Neither me or my gal own pajamas. Never have and never will. Pajamas are the kiss of death when it comes to sex and intimacy. Once you go there it kind of kills the spirit of sexy-time. Maybe me and my gal might be a bit vain but we try to look good for each other whether at home or going out. Believe me ladies, men do notice and we appreciate it.

Don:  Hahaha, as I answer this, my wife is to my right on the couch in her flannel green pajamas. 18 years of her in pajamas and still going strong. I sleep nude and have never ever been able to understand how a person can wear anything to bed, let alone pajamas. That’s what the covers are for!

My wife and I are both really low maintenance, but I guess if my wife suddenly started to leave the house without brushing her hair or teeth or putting on any makeup, I’d wonder what was wrong with her. I’d not say anything and it wouldn’t matter to me outside of wanting to know if she was losing her mind or something.  She’s never been one to make us late because she changes her clothes 52 times or anything like that. We have three kids and they are the reason we’re always late wherever we’re going. They are also the reason we rarely go any place where appearance matters.


So there you have it, ladies. Did you learn anything? Were you enlightened? Are you checking your cellulite in the mirror, too?  We asked for it.

Make sure and tune in next Tuesday when they tackle some of your questions that may or may not have made my guys blush.

If you have any questions you would like to add to the monologues, please feel free to leave them in the comment section or tweet them to me.

Thanks again to my guys. I loved your honesty. We need to know these things.


I Wanna Know! Do You?

Do you ever wonder?  I know you do.  You wonder. I wonder…What the hell is he thinking?

Well here’s your chance to find out, ladies and gentleman.  I have three very brave men (who shall remain anonymous for now) who have agreed to answer our questions. That’s right, we can finally learn what’s going on in those purty little heads of theirs, so here’s your chance. You have the floor.

What are your questions for my Fab 3? 

Submit your questions here in the comments, or tweet them to me @MandiCLBT with the hashtag #whatmenthink.

I will pimp your blog with your question. If you don’t have a blog, you’ll still get a shout out, so let’s get this party started! Shall we?

The answers will go up on Tuesday, May 27.

Disclaimer: My guys are sweet but also very cool. They get to choose if a question is let’s say too…provocative.  Ask anyway, and let them decide.

My Milkshake Brings All the Boys To My Blog

I know the drill.  The writer’s mind starts whirling, spinning around a plot of vicious characters, or piecing words into a brilliant, moving, sometimes even hilarious blog post.  We sit at our computers, typing vigorously, creating magic word porn for the world to see, while often sipping coffee (or wine), eating whatever is closest to our quickly moving hands, and piling wrappers on wrappers a top our already messy desks.

It’s one of those things.  Once we start, we cannot be interrupted, unless that Ding Dong is calling from our pantry, or maybe that bag of sour cream and onion chips…nah…those get the keys greasy.  My biggest vice while writing is hot tamales.  I always keep a movie theater box in my underwear drawer, and before heading to the computer, I grab a handful.  The problem is, hot tamales aren’t good fuel for my brain.  In fact, they do just the opposite.

“So what then?” asks the writer.

I have a solution, and it just so happens to be delicious and nutritious, a super easy recipe.  Don’t click the X yet.  Trust me…this is good.  Disclaimer:  I am NOT a cook.  Notice I didn’t even use “good cook” because I cannot cook.  I was banned from bringing anything that requires heat to Thanksgiving this year. I give you today’s lunch…

My omelette.  Shuddap, it tasted good.

My omelette. Shuddap, it tasted good.

And Tyler Florence's...or the husband's.  WTF?

And Tyler Florence’s…or the husband’s. WTF?


So here’s a treat that anyone, even this uncook can make.  Let’s just call it a milkshake cuz smoothie sounds way too *good for us*.

Things you’ll need…

  • Frozen blueberries, strawberries, or really any fruit that you like (I always get blueberries)
  • Bananas (I like to use the bananas that have started to spot and soften.  I chop them up and put them in the freezer for these…milkshakes)
Perfectly freckled

Perfectly freckled

  • baby spinach/fresh kale (or both)
  • FAGE plain 0% yogurt
  • Sweetener (I use Stevia, huz likes honey in his)
  • Milk (can use soy, almond, rice, coconut or good ole cow’s milk.  I use 0% organic milk)
  • A blender

All of these things can be found at your local grocery store…or even Wal-Mart if you’re brave (husband saw a huge rat in the gardening section yesterday at Wal-Mart while shopping for fertilizer, so we’re pretty much boycotting)

  • Add about a cup of milk (adding the liquid first helps to blend the solid ingredients more quickly).
  • Then add about 1 1/2 cups of blueberries (I never actually measure this stuff)
  • Add one banana (the riper, the better)
  • Add about a cup of the yogurt
  • Grab a handful of the spinach or kale or both, and throw that in the blender (or leave this out all together, but it’s a great way to get some greens without having to taste them)
  • Add your sweetener (if my bananas are really ripe, I go without sweetener)
It should look like this

It should look like this

  • Blend to desired consistency. (bartender trick: blend until the liquid makes a tornado with a visible hole in the middle.)
"There's no place like home."

“There’s no place like home.”

  • Pour it into your favorite glass, throw in a straw, and enjoy while you type
Bendy straws make it more fun

Bendy straws make it more fun

Here’s what you’re doing for your body. First, you replace a sugary snack with something that tastes sweet but will actually fuel your writer’s brain.  You’re offering yourself potassium, which will help you think more quickly while keeping your fingers from cramping.  Your ingesting antioxidants which not only help to slow the signs of aging (who doesn’t want that?) but also aid in cognitive functioning, and are just in general really good for the body.  In addition, if you add the spinach or kale, or better yet both, you’re providing your brain with iron which helps to replenish memory and aids in oxidative metabolism.  You’re getting fiber, which not only helps with your metabolism which is necessary because…sitting at a computer all day, but also fiber boosts your brain health in general.  Finally, you’re getting 23 grams of protein alone in the one cup of the Greek yogurt.  Your brain is made up of these things called neurotransmitters.  They communicate with each other to make you feel the way you feel.  They are made up of amino acids, which are the building blocks of… Protein.  Also, think about it…when you have a good quality meal high in protein and low in carbohydrates, you’re fueled for that writing session, but when you down that Double cheeseburger and fries, you have to pick your head off of your keyboard.

So there you have it, a milkshake that might just hold you until dinner.

Side Note:  sometimes I skip lunch when I’m writing, and this is a great meal replacement so that I don’t crash before dinner.

Side Note #2:  My kids drink these every day, so they’re getting all this good stuff, too, all the while thinking they’re drinking a milkshake.  Score one for mom.