My Vagina Has a Superpower

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It has several really, but today it’s not what you think.

I call it vagdar… (at least, I do now.)

I can find anything, and the minions of my house call upon me to do so Every.Single.Day.

Flashback, seven years ago. 4:30 am. My son, who didn’t sleep through the night until he was well over a year old was sleeping peacefully in his bed in his room. I, on the other hand, was not. My husband had to catch the red eye out that morning; therefore, I, not having to catch a 6:00 am flight and very much in need of my pillow and my bed, was awake, too. He’s one of those…the kind who turns on the lights, makes lots of noise stomping around the bedroom getting his stuff together, and my personal favorite, plops down on MY SIDE of the bed to put on his socks and shoes.

plop1

“Babe, are you awake?”

I pulled my eye mask up just enough to show him my opened eyes. “Are you awake? If you’re awake, then I’m awake.”

“Well then, can you help me find my shoe?”

“What do you mean find your shoe? Shoe, as in singular? Have you looked in your closet? WHERE IT GOES?”

He ignored my question and continued shaking the bed pulling up his socks.

“Come on, dude. I’m late, and I need your help. Can you help me find it?”

I threw the comforter off of me, tossed my eye mask into the drawer of my bedside table and scoffed at him as I headed to the bathroom to brush my teeth. (Side note: I can’t do anything in the morning before I brush my teeth…very healthy habit if you ask me.) While I sonicared for the suggested two minutes, I ran through the events of the prior day. I thought back to the last time I picked up my husband’s shoes and put them in the closet. I felt certain I had put them away, but then I remembered seeing something: My son who was just starting to walk and loved to wear daddy’s shoes around the house was doing just that the previous night. I pulled on some pajama pants and began my search. I looked in the living room first because that’s where he tended to play, then the bathroom, then the kitchen, then the game room, the dining room, the office, our bedroom. Nothing. The only other room left to search was my son’s room, where he was sleeping. The same son that never slept.

I grabbed the nightlight/flashlight we kept in the guest bathroom,  crept to his door, turned the handle gently, and tiptoed in. I glimpsed over at the little sleeping bundle, belly down, bottom up and sighed at his ridiculous cuteness. Then, like a house intruder, I scanned the room with my light. Nothing, so I tiptoed to his closet, turned the handle gently, and opened the door.

Creak

I paused, door slightly ajar, waiting to see if the noise woke him. He smacked his lips but seemed to still be happily in slumberville, so I searched the closet, pulling toys out of the toy box leaving a huge mess for me to come back and clean later that morning. Nothing.

By this time, my cool as a cucumber husband was starting to stress. I passed his office where he was packing his laptop.

“Did you find it?”

“No,” idiot, ” How, for the love of Pete, do you lose one shoe?”

“I don’t know. I gotta go though. Can you try to find it?” See, even he knows I hold the superpower.

I could feel the tension growing with each passing minute, and I too began to stress. I decided to go to my closet to collect myself, which is something I do often. I walked into the closet (which we shared at the time) glanced down, and guess what I found?

Yep. The shoe. In the closet. WHERE IT GOES! (He made his flight, thanks to me.)

These things happen all the time. “Mom, where is my Batman lego?”

“On the dining room floor next to my big plant.” Not WHERE IT GOES! 

I don’t even have to physically look sometimes.

“Mom, where is my baseball belt?”

“It’s on the dryer.” Because you didn’t take it off and put it in your drawer: WHERE IT GOES!

Then yesterday, I get a phone call. I’m not even home, and my superpower gets summoned.

“Dude, I can’t find my stapler, and I gotta get to this meeting. Are you on your way home?”

I swear to god I almost threw my phone at the poor man jogging on the sidewalk next to the road, but he was way too pretty (all shirtless and sweaty) to be pelted with an antique iPhone.

Instead I went with my typical line of questioning: “Did you look in your office?“ Where it goes, idiot? “Did you check my desk? Did you look in the pencil drawer in the kitchen?”

He answered “yes” to all of these questions.

I made an illegal u-turn at the light, and headed to my house. Before I looked anywhere else, I decided to check my desk. I borrowed his stapler a few weeks earlier, but I was certain I put it back in his office. WHERE IT GOES!

It wasn’t there. I decided to go to his office, see if I could find it on the floor, or maybe in a drawer, possibly thrown away in the waste basket. I didn’t even take a step into the office, and guess what I saw.

That little organizer thingy...blue stapler

That little organizer thingy…blue stapler

IMG_3219

A closer look at the tiny blue stapler WHERE IT GOES!

My husband swears that I took it from my desk upstairs and put it in his office only to say that it was there the whole time. Guess what? I didn’t. It was sitting on his desk the entire time he was “looking” for it. WHERE IT GOES!

My mom used to complain about my dad’s and my brothers’ inability to find anything. In fact, she always said, “They must look for things with their eyes closed.” She handed the superpower down to me. My opinion of the matter is that they just don’t look at all, and because we can find anything, we get called upon to share our superpowers with the world, or our households.

Ladies, do you have vagdar, too? Are you the only one in your house who ever knows where anything is? If not, what is your superpower? Men, do you have a problem finding things? Is it just my husband, dad, brothers, and son? 

Vaginas, assemble! (too much?)

Disclaimer: In light of recent posts about gender bashing…this is not gender bashing. I love men. I love my husband, and I’m happy to help him find his things. He is not greater or lesser than I. We are equals, except for the fact that I have superpowers, and he has none.

75 thoughts on “My Vagina Has a Superpower”

  1. This vagina has assembled.

    And yup, the same shit used to happen in my house (when I had the grown up man still living in it). “Ann…I can’t find the ketchup”. Yup, it would be there on the fridge door. I think it’s a guy thing but I’d love to be proven wrong. Anyone?

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  2. As my mom used to tell me, and as with horror I hear myself chiding my own daughter –
    “It’s not ‘lost’, you just don’t know where it is”. That’s the distinction that proves the superpower. None of these items – shoe, baseball cap, in our case, house key – was ever actually lost. Our hapless family just didn’t know where they were.

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  3. As a teenager I couldn’t find anything in the fridge or pantry, even if it was at eye height and right in the front until exactly 1 nano second after I’d asked my Mum where it was. So to avoid the usual line of abuse, I invented the pre-search (read: time wasting search) inquiry. On the way to the pantry, but before opening the door, I would shout out “Muuumm, where’s the (fill in the blank)?”, open the door and there it was, and then I’d yell out “Never mind, found it”…still works 30 odd years later too.

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  4. I 100%, unequivocally, hands-down am the vadgar in our house. Whenever any of the male species shouts, ” but I looked everywhere and can’t find it!” I always respond, ” did you guy look or girl look?”
    In our family, looking for something thoroughly is girl looking. And none of them can do it worth a shit.

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      • I don’t know if it gets worse than my husband, but I guess it’s one of those things where it isn’t really a competition, but I know what you mean. *sigh* It’s a good thing we love em so much.

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      • Something like that…I nearly exploded at mine earlier when (bless him) he tried to cook. In the end I just had to bite my tongue and say “Thank you for cooking” because he TRASHED the kitchen (and shows no sign of going back to tidy it) and instead of being sensible and cooking bolognaise in a BIG pot, he started with a too-small pot and then fetched a SMALLER pot, and began cooking it all in its constituent parts because he didn’t want to use the BIG pot because he wanted *that* for the spaghetti and OHMIGOSH I WAS SOVERYCRANKY!

        HOW is it so difficult for them?!

        I swear – girls should all live in one big house together and raise children and keep the place neat and running and all up-and-together nicely, and the chaps should just be brought in for night-times and banished for the rest of it! SHEESH!

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  6. I occasionally didn’t see things when looking in the fridge or pantry, but I never lost anything in plain sight like that. Of course, there are no vaginas in my house now so I just flail around helplessly until I find whatever I’m looking for. Or I go buy a new one.

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  7. I thought it was common knowledge that the uterus was some sort of homing device. I think Rosanne did a bit about it once. Lol. I find stuff if people leave it where I out it, but if a person moves it, then I’m clueless, even if it’s been moved where the vag haver of the house has arbitrarily decreed “it belongs.”

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    • Ha, that’s funny, Don. I’ll have to search for this Rosanne skit. She and I apparently see eye to eye on this one. And, if you put things where they go, you will always be able to find them. I concur with your wife’s decree…like a doctor.

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  9. Yes, I am the only person in my house who can find stuff, but usually that is because I’m the only person who bothers to open her eyes and LOOK. I swear, I don’t know how these people I live with would survive without me.

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    • It’s true, when you look, you will find. And we look…every.single.time…so we find.

      Dana, they would survive, but they would always be askew. You are the glue that keeps them kept together.

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  10. This gave me a good chuckle.
    Overall it’s usually 50/50 in our house but we’re both pretty good at keeping things in their place.
    Though my French Canadian wife does has an expression to describe when I look for things that are right in front of me that I don’t see: Avec les yeux d’homme – with a man’s eyes.
    Doesn’t happen often though. Usually just when she decides to change the “WHERE IT GOES” and then forgets to tell me 🙂

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  11. Well, now I have a name for my second superpower. My first would be my sarcasm. Yeah, I know. Hard to believe, right? If I don’t hear ‘Mom? or Baby, have you seen my…..??’ at least once a day, I don’t sleep well at night. As a matter of fact, I probably could have written this story right down to the loud husband that turns on the lights and plops on the bed husband. What is it with that?

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    • I didn’t know sarcasm could be a superpower, but I have that one, too. As far as the loud husband and his plopping down on the bed…I have no idea why they do that. I get up before him 90% of the time, and I can promise you that I do it very quietly and that I have NEVER plopped down on the bed while he’s still sleeping in it, and if I did, I wouldn’t do it on his side. They just want us to be awake…that must be it.

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    • I am aware of the other superpowers of vaginas. Those go without speaking. As far as your not losing anything and knowing where everything is…I believe that might just be because you do not live with someone who has a vagina…and vagdar. Just wait, B. You’re going to laugh one day when it happens, and you better call me when it does.

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  14. Reporting for duty!

    And yes, I don’t know what it is about men but it’s not just a you thing!! For some reason I know where things are because it’s where they go.

    Amazing how easy it makes things 😉

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    • Phil, I appreciate your honesty. Give your gal a big squeeze tonight and tell her that her vagdar is appreciated. She may not understand, but I bet you’ll make her smile.

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  17. Oh, yes! I have vagdar too!
    A few years ago Husband had to travel to a conference pre-dawn. They were also doing some stupid getting-to-know-you exercise where they had to take in something that represented them/their job/god only knows. Husband days before had said he’d take the clockwork monkey on a bike that I’d bought him once (the way you do before the excess seething sets in).

    Anyway, 5am-ish, I’d been trying to pretend I ccouldnt hear all the stomping (never mind tooth-brushing, my husband can’t do anything without putting on his shoes – grrr) and lights switching on, I get shaken at the shoulders.

    A plaintive voice: ‘Where’s my my monkey? Where’s my monkeeeey?’

    I didn’t even have to open my eyes: ‘in the hall, next to the telephone.’

    ‘Where’s my monkeeeey?’ Has now become a family expression for ridiculous plaintiveness and helplessness and also acknowledgement of my super power, which I’m glad to find has a name and a sisterhood.

    Although if anyone could help me find my driving licence, that would be great!

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    • I love it, “Where’s my monkey? Where’s my monkeeey?” I’m going to use that one. So, sometimes my vagdar fails, and it’s typically when it is for my own things. I lost my keys once for over a week. I looked everywhere, even went as far as to ask the other tenants in the building if they had seen them, if maybe I had left them hanging from my door. For a week, I looked everywhere. One day, we were about to head out, and I searched in my (very tiny) purse for my lip gloss. I reached in and felt something. The look on my face said is all. My husband just smirked and said, “Did you just find your keys?” That was over 10 years ago, and he still gives me grief about it.

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  18. I have it…and I’ve started rebelling. I can know exactly where said item is, but I will smile blankly and say “I have no idea, sweetheart (applicable to husband, daughter, son) did you check where it belongs?”…9/10 times it’s there. I have never, ever, ever had to ask where my crap is! They insist I move their stuff. If moving their stuff counts as picking it up off surfaces and tossing it into a basket in their bedrooms…I suppose this is true. But I never move my husbands stuff…he’s too weird about it. And convinced that the stuff moves on its own because otherwise, why wouldn’t it be there?!!
    Vaginas unite!! WOOOO!!!

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    • And please, why would you move their stuff? To make your life more difficult? To offer yourself a challenge when they ask you to find it? I will never understand this line of reasoning among those who do not have vagdar. Shaking my head with you.

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  19. That finding stuff superpower is pretty standard, so I’m not especially impressed. What impresses the heck out of me is the condition of his desk (as deduced from the corner of it shown in the picture). How on earth do you get him to keep it so clean and tidy? Now THAT’S a superpower!

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    • Well, we’ve been together for 16 years. It’s taken a long time, but he’s slowly starting to realize that organization makes life a little bit easier. And yes, that is a superpower.

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  21. My mom has this. My dad will ask her where something is and she’ll say “did you look ____?” and he’ll say yes, and she’ll follow up with “Well, did you look like you look or did you look like I look?” and he’ll always go back and look again. Often times finding the item in question.

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    • Well, that kind of blows my whole vagdar theory if it’s your daughter who’s losing things; however, maybe you only acquire vagdar after living with a significant other. Surely someone has done a study on this. *runs to google*

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  25. Not too long ago, hubby stood mouth agape in front of the pantry shelves. “Where’s the syrup,” he asked.”
    “It’s on the breakfast shelf,” I said.
    “Huh?”
    “The breakfast shelf. You know, the shelf with all the breakfast shit on it.”
    “Oh.” Contemplative pause. “Since when has there been a breakfast self?”
    “I don’t know. For the last decade or so…”

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  26. I love the graphics of the sound effects – I felt like I was reading a comic book! Back in the day (and since I’m ancient, this would be maybe decades ago) I remember watching a female comedienne who referred to her uterus as some sort of aid for finding lost items. Apparently, if you have girly parts, it does give you a superpower!

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    • Thank you for noticing my graphics, Jana! I was hoping someone would make the whole connection in superpower and comic book. My son and I have been watching a lot of the old batman episodes lately, the ones from the 60’s with really bad special effects.

      And yes, if you have girly parts, you have the superpower. Although, from previous comments, apparently it doesn’t get perfected until you’re older.

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  27. I think my husband might be colorblind. He has no fashion sense – except jeans and cowboy shirts. But if he has to dress for school, I lost count of the number of times he has walked up to me and asked “does this match?” He is either dressed in one solid color block from neck to ankle, or it just clashes like hell. #HeadDesk

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    • I lived with four brothers and a dad who were all color blind. My entire life, I’ve always called the color green, orange and orange is green. I see them correctly, but I think I must have learned it wrong.

      I’m always really impressed with a man who can live alone and manage to dress himself, feed himself, and find his things. My husband can match better than I can, but again, I think it’s because of my colorblind family. And no…you cannot wear all one color…nope never.

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  28. I do not have your vagina superpower…
    But I definitely have one of my own. I can remember how to get almost anywhere after I’ve been there 1 time. I have millions of stories of how this works. My two personal favorites:
    I arrived in London and the first afternoon I was there, my London friend showed me an adorable and delicious coffee shop. I went back to the hostel, met up with Carly, slept, and then successfully navigated us THROUGH A CITY I HAVE NEVER VISITED BEFORE, through the metro system, to a metro station only a couple of blocks from said coffee shop, so I could get some the next morning.
    The second… I was drinking with my cousin and got absolutely wasted, alcohol poisoning drunk. Drunkest I’ve ever been. We were at the apt of a friend of his friend’s. We needed to go back to his friend’s house and he had no idea how to get back there because he wasn’t from the area. On the verge of blackout drunk and completely hunched over in the front seat, I successfully directed him back to his friend’s house… and I CLEARLY remember my cousin asking how I could do so while so drunk.
    Superpower, that’s how.

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  29. My Dad and my Husband are grand at this, I always ask if they had a guy look or a girl look. If they are bugging me and I am doing something else at the time I sometimes say, “have a girl look, if I interrupt what I am doing right now to come in and look for something that is exactly where I have told you it should be I will not be impressed”, I always giggle to myself when a couple of minutes later I hear, “oh never mind, I found it”.
    I also like the,
    random male family member – “have you seen my wallet?”,
    me – “no, where did you have it last?”,
    random male family member – “I put it on the counter, but it is not there”
    I wander over to the kitchen and look on the counter, there is a wallet there right next to a set of car keys which undoubtedly is the next thing they will be searching for.
    me – “is this is right here with the car keys?”
    How does this happen? Everytime?
    I can’t believe you drove home for a not-lost object! I would have been so mad! Next time ask him to send him a photo of his desk (or other area) to proove the item isn’t there, maybe you can sleuth from afar LOL.

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  30. I used to have a boyfriend who didn’t live in LA, so when he came to stay with me for weeks at a time, he would stay home while I went to work. I was always late, flustered and missing something crucial — my keys, my phone, my entire purse. I’d run around frantically looking, but soon I learned all I had to do was ask and he knew where each item was. I don’t how he did it. I also don’t know how he cleaned my apartment so beautifully in under four hours, or why he would want to. But I did know I’d never find a guy like him again!

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  31. I have the same super power! In my house, I ask: “Did you look for it like a guy or did you look for it the way I would?” If he admits he looked like for the item like a guy would, I make him do it again. If he doesn’t admit it & I find it, then I get to tell him “Ah ha! I told you so!”

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