I’m kind of a big deal.  Actually it’s the exact opposite of that.   I received a nomination for the “coveted” Liebster award (it doesn’t matter how) from this crazy lady/awesome blogger, Joy at Comfy Town Chronicles, who makes me spew wine (or coffee depending on the time of day) every time I read her blog, .  Thanks, Joy.  You rock!  Go check her out.  But swallow before you read unless you like to spit.  Then by all means, spit.

She said she was too lazy to Google what the Liebster is all about, but I’m not, so I will.  Hold on a sec.  Ok, here’s what I found.  These are the rules.

1. Post the award on your blog.

Ok – done.

2. Thank the blogger who presented this award and link back to their blog.  Thanks, Joy, for letting me nominate myself. 

3. Write 11 random facts about yourself. I’ll get to that.

4. Nominate 11 bloggers who you feel deserve this award and who have less than 200 followers.  Hmmm.. How do I know if they have less than 200 followers?  I have less than 200 followers, but I’m not normal. I’ll find as many as possible.

5. Answer 11 questions posted by the presenter and ask your nominees 11 questions.

11 Facts about Moi:

1.  I keep hot tamales in my underwear drawer.  I mean panty drawer.  (Haha to those who squirm at that word.)  Shut up.  I don’t like to share.
2. I sound just like Katy Perry when I sing…in my car…or my shower.
3. This is more of a confession.  I am addicted to the shows The Bachelor and The Bachelorette.  I watch every season because I’m a sucker for true love.  Pfft.  I like to watch a good cat fight over a mediocre looking dude who wouldn’t snag these girls in real life, but they paw all over him because he is “The Bachelor.”  A few season ago, I joined a Bachelor Pool, kind of like a Fantasy Football League or a bracket for March Madness.  It is So.Much.Fun.  I’m pretty sure Chris Harrison wants to hang out  with us at our pool party. Every Tuesday, (because the show airs on Monday nights) I get an email/blog post from Hellabuzzed who writes a hilarious recap of the show from a straight dude’s point of view.  If you watch the show, you need to read these recaps.
4. My blog is a secret from the majority of my real life people.  I’ve only shared it with a hand full of my close friends.  Is that weird?
5. When people say, “to be honest” or “honestly”, I immediately think that they’re lying.
6. My dishwasher quit working on Christmas day, and I still don’t have a new one because I absolutely HATE shopping.  (It can’t be repaired.  I tried that.)  I finally broke down and ordered one online this weekend, but then they called and said it was out of stock.  I’m officially screwed, and I have dish pan hands.
7. I hate the word facetious.  Just say sarcastic, for crying out loud.
8. I have dyed my hair almost every color.  I asked my hairdresser to put lilac low lights in my hair over a year ago, but he won’t do it.  I keep bugging him, but I don’t think I’ll win.  Once he died my bangs the color that we now refer to as “rainbow bright red.”  It was fun.  I’m keeping it blonde now though because I don’t want to confuse my mom since she has dementia.
9. I am addicted to sunglasses.  I HAVE to wear them outside, even when it’s cloudy and not just because they hide my face. They are always on my eyes or pushed up on my head.  All.Day.Long.  I hate squinting.  When I leave a theater, I feel like a vampire meeting the sun, so sunglasses are essential.
10. I listen to music all of the time.  I play music when I get ready.  Music is playing when I’m in my car.  I listen to music when I clean and cook.  I really only turn it off for important things like homework, dinner, and when I sit down to watch T.V., but I would be willing to bet a song is playing in my head.  When I hear a really good song, I get obsessed with it and have to listen to it ALL THE TIME, but I
11. Never really listen to the words unless someone specifically tells me to listen to the words.  I’m more interested in the different songs that each instrument plays.  If you really listen, you can pick out each sound, and you might just find it as beautiful as I do.

Below is my current obsession.  Listen to the different melody from each guitar.  (12.  The squeaking sound that is made by the movement of a guitarist’s fingers when he slides them over the neck to change chords makes my mouth water.  Hubba hubba.)

Joy came up with some very interesting/funny questions.  Here’s what I had to say:

1. What can I legally write off as a home daycare provider? KIDDING.  (But not really if you know.)

Well if you work from home, you can write off a portion of almost everything.  You take your square footage of your say “office” the portion of the house that you use the most for your work, and you divide that by the total square footage to determine the percentage of space you use, so if it’s like 20%, then you can write off 20% of utilities, gas, water, electricity, all of that.  And then there are entertainment write offs…and food write offs.  If you advertise your business anywhere on your vehicle, you can write off at least a portion of your payment.  If you use Turbo Tax, it will walk you through it step by step.  It’s a lot of leg work to get all of the totals, but my husband works from home, so we’ve been writing off shit for years.

2.  What’s your favorite rock and why?

Rock & Roll.  Because it’s much more interesting than river walks or lava rocks or granite or anything else. I took Geology in college.  Ask me what I remember…not a damn thing.  But I got an A!!

3. Number 2 was a joke, but I’m curious to see what answers I’ll get. Also to see if people read and answer, or read all the questions first. Plus, I could stand to learn a thing or 2. I don’t know any kind of rock other than “river” because they’re all over the Pinterest. They look smooth.

This is not a question, so I’ll just agree.  River rocks do look smooth, and they feel smooth, too.  I have some in my backyard.  The people who lived here before us put them there.

4.  If you could change the end of any movie or book, what would it be, how would you change it?

SPOILER ALERT!!!!  Too many to name.  Most recently, I’d change the end of The Fault in Our Stars b/c it made me cry, and I don’t cry.  It was that good.  Movie:  I’d change the end of Drive Me Crazy, and instead of Sabrina the Teenage Witch waiting in the treehouse for my boyfriend, Adrian Grenier, I’d be waiting…naked.

5. Have you ever had to stifle a giggle at a funeral or other inappropriate place? How did you do it?

OMG – too many times to even try to name them all. Remember, I’m a preacher’s kid.  My bestie’s dad was hilarious, and he would always make fun of these two women who would get up and sing every Sunday in church, so anytime they started walking up to the stage, I would do everything I could to avoid eye contact with him, but he was like a train wreck.  I couldn’t look away.  Most of the time, I was sitting at the piano, waiting to accompany the terrible that came from their vocal chords, knowing what was coming, and as soon as I would look at him, I’d do that laugh where you blow air out of your mouth in short breaths until you blow fart through your lips and eventually double over laughing while holding your belly.

Another time, same friend and I were at a different church, a Pentecostal church, you know the kind, holy rollers on speed.  A really tiny lady stood up right next to my BFF and started speaking in tongues.  I looked over at my friend and whispered, “Meka Leka Hi, Meka Hiney Ho, and the two of us burst out laughing, uncontrollably, hyperventilating laughter, and we could not stop.   My dad never asked me to go back to that church again.

6.  And do tell, in the previous question: What was SO FREAKING FUNNY?

When the fat lady sings, tongues, and Jambi.

7.  Did your father or any other relative walk around the house in their underwear? 

Walking around in one’s underwear was strictly prohibited in my home.  My Dad was a complete psycho about it.  Didn’t want baby girl to see his or my brothers’ junk.  I’m not mad about it.

8.  Am I the only person who didn’t have such a relative? My friend Jennifer’s father told her she had the “brains of a soda cracker” (yes he used the plural) for bringing friends over when he was walking around in his underwear. I see people talk about it in books and whatnot, but that was the only time I’d ever seen it. (He was wearing Walter Whiteys *patent pending on that phrase* and a white Tshirt if you’re wondering. I know I would be.)

My friend’s dad always sat in his Walter Whities and wife beater, cigarette hanging from his mouth, can of beer in his hand.  Think Rodney Dangerfield in Natural Born Killers. 

9.   Do you kind of wish society was less uptight about things like walking around in underwear? Why or why not?

I totally do.  I think Muricans are too uptight about nudity in general.  I mean, it’s all so effing taboo.  They’re boobs.  Everyone has them.  It’s a package.  Nobody needs to look at it, but they mostly all look the same.  Get a grip, people.  I think this answers the question.

 10.  Why do I keep answering my own questions? In your professional opinion.

Well, since you asked for my professional opinion, you bring up some very interesting and thought provoking topics; therefore, you are justified in wanting to answer the questions after presenting them.  It’s natural to ponder them yourself.  Your answers are important.  And maybe you’re a bit of a narcissist.  I’m the pot, dude, so it’s ok if I say that. 

 11.  What is your most irrational fear? Or pet peeve if you don’t have any fears.

  Fear:  Suffocating.  I swear. The worst thing in the world would be to die because I CAN’T BREATH.  

Pet peeve:  It’s simple and a lesson in grammar. Your is the possessive form of you.  You’re is a contraction for you are.  Its is the possessive form of it.  It’s is a contraction for it is.  There is a place.  Their is the possessive form for they.  They’re is the contraction of they are. Lose means unable to find.  Loose means it is not securely fastened.  Where indicates a place.  Were is the past tense for are.  AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT’S HOLY, A LOT IS TWO WORDS AND CANNOT IS ONE!!!!!  But it’s really no big deal.

12.  Have you ever had an epiphany? Or do you think that’s just a word people throw around to make the rest of feel like they’re smart or inspired?

My epiphany is that social media has brought out the stupid in most people. I am amazed at the inability of most to string two sentences together.  Don’t even get me started on punctuation.

My nominees:   Drum roll please…

1. Beth at Writer B is Me, hilarious, uncensored, thought provoking, and she wants to sleep with me.  You win, Bethie.  Come on over!!!  (and I know you probably have more than 200 followers, but you’ll always be #1 for awards for me…no matter what the rules are.)

2.  Hellabuzzed because haters gotta hate, and his hating makes me laugh.

3.  Lizzi, at Considerings because she’s everything that is *sparklybeautifulgoodness*, and her guest post got me the most views I’ve ever had.

4.  Laura who writes at History of a Woman and not just because she likes to fall asleep to the sound of gun shots.  She’s a super cool chick, and I really enjoy her writing, and I may or may not have total blog envy with how beautiful her blog is.

5.  Sharn at Spankalicious.  She’s funny, hot, and you never know what to expect when you click on her posts.  I love a good enigma.

6.  Adrea in Wonderland who writes about online dating.  She gives each guy a smurf name, and The Smurfs was my favorite cartoon growing up, so that’s how I relate to her.

7.  Jana at Stop Me If I Told You who always has hilarious posts.  Plus she’s a loyal reader, and when she comments, it usually has something interesting that she found from doing research on some little piece of what I wrote.  I love her.

And these people probably have more than 200 followers and also have probably received the Liebster in the past.

8.  Dana at Kiss My List because she always has something interesting to say, and she wants to take me on a vacation.   Plus, her blog just got a nice makeover, and it looks fabulous!

9. Phil:  The Regular Guy NYC because he says I’m hot, and flattery will get you everywhere with me…even awards.

10.  Don at Don of All Trades.  He can make me laugh one day and then sob into my sleeve the next.  I’ve loved Don since that night we had a party at my blog.

11. Mike and Phoenix at Past My Curfew.  What’s not to love about Mike?  He is a great writer, makes me actually want to try and cook something, always supports me, and has this cutie little Golden Retriever that I love.

And I’m throwing in a bonus because I just love her so much:  Sandy at Mother of Imperfection.  Sandy Why yi yi Oh Sandy…she’s just golden and in my opinion all things *perfection*.

One more bonus even though she’s probably way too busy responding to the 900 comments she gets on each post to ever play along, but I just can’t leave out one of my absolute favorite bloggers who is feisty and hot and addicted to Nutella:  Aussa, the infamous Hacker Ninja Hooker Spy

Thought provoking, prolific, questions to ponder and then answer.

1.  Who is number one on your exemption list?  (An exemption list is a list of people who are not in your every day life (celebrities, authors, sports figures) who you’re allowed to sleep with should the opportunity arise…no pun intended *snickering like a teenage boy*)  Mine is Adrian Grenier.  No surprise there.  I have about 599 people on my list.

2.  What is your favorite smell and why?

3.  What book can you read over and over again.  If you’re not into books, what movie never gets old?

4.  What is the story behind your blog name?

5.  What is your favorite song and why?

6.  What is your least favorites song, the one that makes your put your fingers in your ears and say “lalalalala”?

7.  What’s the best book you’ve read lately?  (I’m reading God Shaped Hole, and it is brilliant.)

8.  What did the last text you sent say?  Word for word. (K does not count.  If “K” was your last text, then I want to know what your second to last text said.)

9.  What gives you the heebie jeebies?  It doesn’t have to be scary.  It can also be gross.  I hate nose hair.  That’s a heebie jeebie thing for me.

10.  Do close talkers bother you as much as they do me?  If so, why?

11.  What are you wearing?  I’m not even kidding.

Nominees:  Do what you will with this award, but for the record, I really enjoyed reading Joy’s post and then writing this.  I hope you have fun with it, too.