Naked Selfies: The New Little Black Dress

I met my husband back in 1998 before Social Media ruled the world…even before Bob Dole invented the internet, or was that Dan Quail?  Or maybe Obama?  Okay, okay.   Maybe the internet existed, but nobody used it…really.   Back before Twitter and Match.com, how did we snag our mates when we couldn’t text them and get an immediate response, when we couldn’t stalk their Facebook page for pictures of their exes, before they could “check in” and we could just “pop in” where we knew they were?  Well, I for one did it the old fashioned way.  I put on make-up and donned that short little black dress that showed off my legs for days (shut up I’m not short) and my 19 year old perfect ass.  And it worked.  Every.  Single. Time.  But things have changed.  Ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you to the new little black dress:  Naked Selfies.

Her mom is very supportive.

Her mom is very supportive.

I recently learned that it’s fairly common practice for girls to send guys naked, (or half naked) selfies.  Wait, what?  Isn’t this along those lines of milk and cows and giving things up for free?  Not leaving anything to the imagination?  Right, mom would not approve.

Don’t even get me started on the demise of society through selfies.  I can go on and on about my antipathy for them.  In fact, I’m president of the club:  MAS.

But curiosity always kills the cat right?  My follow up question was, “Does this actually work?”

His response, “Naked selfies almost always work.”

He said almost:  Click here…do it!  Do it!  Do it!

Hmmmm…. So I started to ponder how this could affect my own life.  Being that I’m extremely self-centered, I asked myself:  How often do I pull out my “little black dress?”  Truth…almost never.  My daily uniform consists of yoga pants, a tank top, and sneakers…always sneakers.  I wear my hair in a pony-tail bun about 85% of the time.  Make-up gets used on weekends and when I have to volunteer at my son’s school, but most of the time, I’m simple, plain, and boring…a dun dun dun…housewife.

Back when I worked, I wore tailored business suits, pretty silk blouses, and even high heels.  My hair was always down, lipstick on, and I never left the house without accessories.  The only jewelry I ever wear now is my Ironman watch…sexy, right?  Back off, boys.

The truth is: there are girls out there sending naked selfies to guys in order to get laid.  Maybe I need to try harder.

Don’t get me wrong.  I take really good care of myself.  I work out a minimum of 3 times a week.  I eat healthy and avoid all of the junk foods, etc.  But the buck stops there.  I don’t spend a lot of time on my appearance or getting “pretty” even though behind my workout clothes and my pony tail, I’m quite sure a pretty girl still exists.

Yesterday I thought it might be fun to try an experiment.  The same dude who said naked selfies always work also said that hair is a big deal to guys, so after I dropped my daughter off at school, I decided to actually spend some time on my hair.  I got on Pinterest and found a tutorial on blow drying my hair. I know…those are out there.  I could have also gone on to learn how to apply false eyelashes, but let’s get real.  So after I showered, I spent (and I’m not exaggerating) 30 minutes blow drying my hair.  Then I “put on my face” as my mom used to say, careful to apply blush and bronzer.  I even wore lip gloss.  I chose a cute, fitted shirt and my skinny jeans, and I pranced around the house all day, wondering if my husband would notice.

This just in, he didn’t.

Finally, after the kids were comfortably tucked into bed, I said, “Hey, man, I spent 30 minutes fixing my hair for you today.”

He said, “Why?”  Then he smirked at me with his “I’m about to be an asshole” grin and said, “I fixed my hair for you, too, dude.”

I rolled my eyes and went to my bedroom where I changed from my skinny jeans to my much more comfortable pajamas and fell asleep on the couch.

I guess what I was hoping for was a spark….a little strike to a flame that often gets extinguished with the stress of everything on our plates:  sick parents, kids, work, life, etc.   I’m always looking for something, something that catches him off guard, something that makes him look twice, something so that I can, you know…get some.  Up next I guess is naked selfies.  Didn’t someone say that they “almost always work?”

Stay tuned….this could be good. Or really really bad.

Now, I’m off to find a Pinterest tutorial on the art of taking naked  sexy selfies.   Right after I blow dry my hair.

What do you do to keep the spark afire?  Are you guilty of letting it get burned out?  Do you try new things to keep the magic alive?  Anyone else want to join me in a naked selfie challenge?

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90 thoughts on “Naked Selfies: The New Little Black Dress

  1. Hey, Let me start by saying I am a fan of the naked selfie. I mean you dont have to be completely nude but something seductive must be happening. Its true though. 50% of the time it works every time. So look, if someone where to send me a half naked selfie I would be interested and intrigued for sure. Married or not you need something that brings that spark and why not roll with the times. You have a camera on your phone…..Use it. It couldn’t hurt and you can trust me on that. Maybe try asking for a pic of his package or something to get the balls rolling…..Pun intended.

    “SELFIE” (pouty ducks lips)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I took a topless (JUST THE BACK) selfie so I could ‘draw’ my tattoo on it before I actually got inked, before I committed. Then I went seeking advice and completely without thinking about it, sent it across the internet to a friend…

    OOPS!

    Fortunately she was too busy thinking about the tattoo to notice until I suddenly realised what I’d done and got all flustered. But she’s cool, so she didn’t care.

    And no. Husby’s phone is old and doesn’t have picture capability. So I couldn’t anyway.

    And if I *was* going to (I wouldn’t bother) I’d make sure I turned off bluetooth and set some kind of password so no-one else could ever get hold of it.

    In all honesty, the best way to get my man engaged (if not actually into bed, then at least spending time with me and having a laugh) is to do ‘normal’ things together but make them fun. We invent songs while we’re driving, we talk bad French to one another. Sometimes I might just slap him on the ass or tickle him and run away. There also might be a dance that I do…

    Making him laugh is FAR more successful at keeping him interested in me than any effort EVER to dress up or ‘look pretty’

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  3. One of my main objectives as a mother to daughters is to teach them to NEVER, ever send a naked selfie to ANYONE. EVER. Talk about 21st century parenting problems!

    A ponytail, yoga pants, and flip flops. That’s my daily wardrobe. I have a mini panic attack anytime I have to travel for work because I’m never sure if I can string together a week’s worth of office-appropriate attire. Sometimes I get all dressed up to meet a friend for lunch. And by all dressed up, I mean I swap out my yoga pants for jeans. My husband usually does notice when I’ve put a bit of effort into my attire, but I generally change back into sweat pants as soon as he walks in the door with the little rascals. Their sticky fingers are drawn to nice clothes like moths to a flame!

    As far as the spark, more than anything, I need to make the time for adult time. Like, actually plan date nights and follow through. And try to stay up past the minute after the girls finally fall asleep!

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    • I’m so very much with you on the never ever do this, daughters, but he’s my husband, so it’s safe, right? I’m pretty sure he won’t go blasting my so not naked selfie all over the internet. You’d be surprised at how many I saw though. And some of these girls are so so so young.

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  4. hahaha this is greatness. I shared it all over the place. I think you should send a naked selfie to me and I’ll let you know if it’s hot enough to share with your hubby. Lol.

    I personally think the selfie thing is kind of gross. I’d never do it. BUT sexting is pretty hot. S-I-Z-Z-L-E

    My husband has been chasing me around the house for 17 years. if I could only stay awake later than the kids, I’d get laid 90% more.

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  5. I will not be joining you, thanks. I’m with Beth – I’ll stick with sexting. But I have to erase it quickly because my kids are nosy. To keep the spark alive? At least one couple vacation a year, and send the kids to religious school on Sunday mornings 😉

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  6. Mandi, I really think you should post a half dozen different naked selfies here so we can judge them. The winning pic will be the one you send to your guy. If he still doesn’t make a move he is probably dead.

    That, or you will need to post another half dozen pics we can choose from. You can trust us. Really.

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  7. I almost sent my wife a naked selfie once but I figured she would say, “what the hell? Was that meant to be sent to another woman?” And who needs that unnecessary fight? Lol. I find it amazing that young girls do this so readily. A friend looked through his 15 year old son’s phone pics once and there were a bunch of pictures of his girlfriend in all states of undress. Wtf??? His son acted like everyone did it and it’s no big deal. Maybe it’s the new mooning?

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  8. I think provacative selfies can be hot! I have rules though! No faces and no nudity – you never know when your phone can get hacked. And I don’t send them to a guy until after we are intimate. I think you should totally take some selfies for your husband!

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  9. Don’t know if I could’ve done something that like that when I was teenager, let alone now. When I was a teenager all of the girls were inherently insecure and pointed out other girls’ flaws to make them feel better about themselves. We didn’t show off our bodies, we could barely pass a mirror without taking a serious stab at our own confidence and it was worse with the A-list popular girls that had good bodies! Funny enough, Mathair knows all about the selfie craze. She’s way more in touch with technology than I am. I borrowed my brother’s Smartphone to order pizza the other day and had no idea how to turn it on. LOL. Great post.

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    • Thanks, Inion. I looked at so many sexy selfies today that I had to stop and not just because I was certain some of the girls were probably not allowed to be posting pics like that…on the INTERNET!!! I was never A-list or popular. Those girls shredded my self esteem with my clothes on. I can’t even imagine. I’m so glad I don’t have to worry about it, and my daughter is never getting a phone…ever.

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    • Thanks, Inion. I looked at so many sexy selfies today that I had to stop and not just because I was certain some of the girls were probably not allowed to be posting pics like that…on the INTERNET!!! I was never A-list or popular. Those girls shredded my self esteem with my clothes on. I can’t even imagine. I’m so glad I don’t have to worry about it, and my daughter is never getting a phone…ever.

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  10. I don’t take selfies because I am absolutely terrified of that. My husband likes to take pics of me with a regular camera that we keep hidden deep in a drawer with the batteries out of it so the kid doesn’t accidentally get her hands on it. Ugh…can you imagine? As far as getting dressed, I only get dressed up when we go out. I’m like you…yoga pants, sweatshirt, no makeup most days. Lucky for me (or unlucky depending on my mood) the hubs doesn’t need much to get him going.

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  11. So conflicted- be sexy for your partner: YES; naked selfie: NO! My theory here is WWOPS /what would our parents say/.
    What’s a girl to do? On the one hand, you want to keep up with the techie times, but on the other, preacher’s daughter – devoted mommy – what if your kids saw – side, sex it up a safer way. Naked Polaroids, anyone?!

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  12. Until this essay, I thought a “selfie” was something entirely different and it made me feel funny inside and embarrassed to talk about. I get it now!

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  13. Hahahahaha well, obviously you know my stance on naked selfies! There should definitely be some sort of tutorial on how to do it right– lighting, angles, all of that. So funny, so awkward, so many regrets!

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    • I know – I should definitely learn from you, but he has a legal binding contract to me, so hopefully he won’t turn into an psycho ex, and mine won’t get sent to my co-workers. I don’t work, so there’s that. Maybe you should give me some pointers though, Aussa, since you’ve “been there done that.” I can’t even take a good clothed selfie. Seriously. It’s pathetic really.

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  14. OMG, okay I am from the 80’s, the people who think they inverted taking pic of themselves drunk in the bathroom! Oh please I know several who have a whole bunch from back in the day! We just didn’t load them up on the Internet, THANK GOD! If I didn’t take a pic naked of my self with a Polaroid camera or do a naked video in my 20’s (when I looked way better), WTF would I now?
    I also believe these mothers are living moronically through their young daughters. I would never allow my 13 to post a photo like this let alone TAKE IT FOR HER! As far as your husband, I would take every effort possible to make my self up everyday, from now on! Just because who wants to walk around looking poopoo! I always look pretty for me! I don’t care what boyfriend says, he says “you always look beautiful” biggest lie ever. Really? 6 years later! I think he needs glasses!

    By the way, I really like your blog! Take care!

    NIBSIH.

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    • I’m so glad you like my blog. Thanks for reading my stuff. Ok – so the pics that you took in the 80’s….I guess that’s the difference in that, you DID NOT PUT THEM ON THE INTERNET FOR EVERY HORNY PERVERT TO SEE!!! OMG – why are these girls doing this to themselves? And that mom – she should really be ashamed of herself. I’m going to be better about fixing myself up. Like I said, I’m not gross or anything, I just don’t wear make-up like I used to when I worked. And he’s really good about telling me I’m pretty. He actually likes me in my workout clothes, but it’s never a bad idea to pretty it up a little more. BTW – I bet your boyfriend does NOT need glasses.

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      • I believe all women are sexy, you just need to own it. Doesn’t matter what you look like. Elegance, confidence, a great smile, little mascara and red lipstick, never go out of style. 2 months post baby or 20 years post baby! We all have “IT”, some of us just forgot about “IT”, I think.

        Oh, THAT WOMEN, sigh. Because we can’t see the girls face who is being photographed, it puts the women at a judgmental disadvantage, the girl could be over the age of 18. I have a daughter who is 13, with a ridiculous Instagram account, which I have to CONSTANTLY MONITOR and CENSOR photos for REMOVAL. Not because the photos are incredibly inappropriate, I just think they are inappropriate and do not reflect her in a way I want her to be seen by society. When did we set the standard bar inches above the gutter is all I am asking? I am assuming when mom is taking selfies in the bathroom and posting them, why wouldn’t the daughter think it’s okay too? Reason why I don’t have social media, no FB or whatever else.

        And yes boyfriend is 47, he is more vain than any women I know, lol, refuses to admit he needs glasses. Says “oh babe, your holding THAT way to close to my face I can’t see”. Really? Wow, It’s already a foot away! Lol. Me: “Oh! Of course honey, is this good?” Lol.

        HAVE A GREAT DAY

        NIBSIH.

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  15. I’ve been wanting a blogger that I follow to write about this and wha-LAA! Good one here, Mandi. I think selfies and sexting can be hot and a great form of foreplay…with a trusted partner. But, what these gals are doing out on the Internet with abandon seems to be taking the crazy train way too fast down the tracks. I do not think they are necessary (the pics or sexting) for incredible intimacy though. You’ll find what works for you with a new angle 🙂

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  16. Any of those photographs would get me hooked; as you can guess, I set the bar very high!

    An occasional obscene text seems to stir the juices for me and my good lady. But be careful where you send it – accidentally sending it to a work colleague can lead to certain complications.

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    • haha – you might want to check that bar. Seriously – raise it, please!! 🙂

      The good news is that I don’t work, so no worries in sending it to a colleague, but if it accidentally got sent to one of his colleagues…I’m pretty sure I’d die.

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  17. Personally speaking, I don’t think I could ever be famous for all of the selfies that are probably floating around out there on the ‘net. If you take it, don’t share it.

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    • Exactly, Cary. Although, I think I’m probably pretty safe since the only one I plan to share with is my forever partner. As far as being famous, I don’t think I could ever be famous b/c I’m way too opinionated and also because I’m just not that talented…but neither is Paris Hilton or Kim Kardashian.

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  18. I can honestly say that my hubby would not have noticed either. Although, every now and then, when I am wearing actual clothes he will say I look nice. I know, I know, he is a keeper! 😉 I think when I actually get dressed and take time on myself, I feel better, so that is all that actually matters, right? Great post! And don’t get me started on selfies either…UGH.-Ashley

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    • Ashley, I couldn’t agree more about feeling better when you’re all dolled up, and I don’t want to give my huz a bad name, he’s my favorite person on earth and mostly because he reminds me all of the time that he thinks I’m awesome. But the other day, I just wanted to see if it made a difference…and you know..I wanted to…ahem… Well anyway, back to selfies – OMG – please go away…far far away, selfies. I’m over them!!!!

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  19. Ha! This is great. I don’t think i would do the naked selfie. One thing that works well is instead of putting your Pajamas on, put your bikini on. Strut around and trust me he’ll notice and it won’t be on for long. Have fun!

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  20. My hubs would probably run for the hills if I sent him a naked selfie. Maybe just a boob shot. What we BOTH find incredibly sexy is humor—it keeps the ol’ spark going in our marriage. Now, I just have to ask….have you heard that HORRIBLE new pop song on the radio about “taking another selfie”? ARGHHHHH!

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    • I don’t believe that, Marcia. From what you’ve written about your hubby being very similar to an adolescent boy, I bet he’d love a sexy selfie from you for sure!!!

      There’s a song about selfies???? No..haven’t heard it. Really really don’t want to hear it. Googling it now b/c now I have to hear it.

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    • Haha – Glad you liked it!! I hope the tutorial helped too. I’ve managed to shave 10 minutes off of it, and still manage to come away with flowy volumey locks! Or are you talking about the how to take a selfie tutorial? That’s a good one too.

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  21. I’ve been dating my Queen every week for nearly 20 years and then I bought my new bike about 5 weeks ago,. I take her out to lunch on it once a week and now, without fail, she gets off it and wants to mount me…easy peasy!

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  22. The only way I get the husband’s attention is if I wear shorts to bed. It’s code (in his mind alone) that I want sex. It couldn’t possibly be that it’s 90 degrees out. Nope. Shorts mean sex. So knowing that, I’ve been known to wear a pair of shorts in the dead of winter.

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  23. *sigh* Oh, dudes. It’s freaking genetic that we instantly know without trying when they’ve had half an inch of hair cut off, but they barely notice if ours goes from brown to blond.

    We don’t have a code. Our fun times usually come when we least expect it – like we’re exhausted in front of the TV and something just flashes through the air between us. I’ll take that over every-year V-Day sex anytime!

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  24. I always feel like I am eavesdropping when people are talking about not understanding people who take selfies. I am a selfie queen and it may seem conceited. I used to be a 100 lbs heavier…well only 50 lbs at this point but I started out taking pictures because I wanted my daughter to have pretty pictures of mommy someday and then I started taking pics to say hi to my friends instead of texting…they sent them back…and then instagram…and then. Yea maybe it is ridiculous but I am so visual and i love getting pics and videos from my friends so I guess I do it because I think everyone likes it.

    Naked selfies…had a talk with my 9 year old because of an incident that became public in our area and at schools. It happens far too often and it is extremely sad. I do and have and you girls have seen one. you can be sexy and not naked. Anyway, great post…I loved it as usual. 🙂

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    • Girl, if I could take pics like you do, I’d be forever in front of the camera. Keep sending them. I smile every time I see your beautiful face. Unfortunately for me, I’m not so photogenic, but if you read the after story (horseshoes and hand grenades), you’ll understand. I promise though, if I had your talent at beautiful photos, I would never stop taking them.

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      • lol I promise if you saw me in real life you would realize it is an art 🙂 Hey I sent you an email. Need a question answered so I can post something 🙂

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      • I don’t believe you for a second, and I love that you’re giving your daughter some kind of legacy. My kids will probably wonder where mom was in all of the photos…answer: behind the camera. I need to get in front every once in a while. I admire you for doing that.

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      • She does take really great pics. Some people have a natural talent for it. Having a glam face like her doesn’t hurt either. My youngest daughter as a talent for posing. Like Hasty and her daughter, that girl cannot pose a bad picture. Even when she was 5 or so, she just naturally posed a good picture like Hasty’s daughter.

        Like

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