Why I Told My Daughter to Kick Your Son in the Balls

There was an article that went around last year that my virtual writer friend Ashley Fuchs wrote called The Reason My Daughter May Punch Your Son. When I read the article, my daughter was in kindergarten. In my mind, she was years away from this kind of harassment, so I read it, and I shared it, but I didn’t internalize it the way some of my fellow parents did. Because I thought I had more time.

Turns out, my time is up.

“Mom, I got bullied today,” she said as we walked home from school.

“Bullied?” I questioned. I don’t like the word. I think it’s overused and thrown around, and I have a hard time thinking that my sassy, very independent little girl could possibly be bullied, so I questioned her a little. She tends to be dramatic, and by the time we got home, she said some boys were chasing her on the playground. I told her not to play with them anymore if they bugged her, and that was that. We went on with our day.

Fast forward to dinner where she brought it up again. We always go through our highs and our lows of the day, and when it was her turn to voice her low, she said, “Some boys bullied me today.” Since this was the second time she brought it up, I probed harder.

“Tell me exactly what happened, ” I said. She went on to say that some boys were hitting her butt on the playground, and when she told them to stop, they called her chubby and laughed at her.

That’s right. Two boys put their hands on my daughter, and when she told them to stop, they called her fat and made fun of her. Let that sink in for a second.

Want to know where they learned that? I have an idea.

Rage boiled inside of me, but I squelched it and asked her what she did next. She said she told the teacher, and the teacher told them to stop, but they didn’t.

The more I listened, the angrier I got. She showed me on my own butt what they were doing, and it can only be described as groping, but she didn’t understand that.

BECAUSE SHE IS SIX!

We discussed how inappropriate and unacceptable it was/is, and I commended her for doing the right thing by telling the teacher.

She put her head down and said, “Tomorrow, I’m just going to hide at recess.”

I pulled her into me and lifted her chin up so she could look me in the eye, and I said, “NO. You will not let two boys ruin your free time. You will not allow them to take your fun away. They are breaking the rules. If they do that tomorrow, you say ‘Keep your hands off of me.’ If they do not stop, you tell the teacher. If they continue to bother you, you turn around and step on their feet, or kick them in the shins or their business, and if you get in trouble, go ahead and tell your teacher to give me a call.” I explained that she might end up in the principal’s office and that we would deal with it if we had to, but I made sure she knew that she was empowered to defend herself.

Our boys are learning from us. It is not innate that when a girl says no, they immediately go to calling her fat or ugly. This is learned behavior. Your job as a mother and as a father is to make sure your sons (and daughters) know better. I can tell you that if I learned that my son had touched a girl the way these boys touched my daughter or spoke to another child the way they did, there would be some serious consequences at our home. He knows better. He’s been taught to respect all people, all women, your daughters, so if he steps out of line there, I want to know.

Parents, teach your sons (and daughters) that they are not entitled to touch anyone anywhere, that my daughter’s back side is not for their hands, that if they do put their hands on (MY) child, they will not get away with it because she will defend herself the best way she can.

Thoughts?

(To read more of Ashley Fuchs’ articles, visit her page: The Incredible Adventures of the Malleable Mom.)

 

Strong 2

Photocredit: Stock photo

 

 

 

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136 thoughts on “Why I Told My Daughter to Kick Your Son in the Balls

  1. I would recommend signing her up for a kids ‘self-defense’ class. Where I go to class for Krav Maga training (ATA martial arts dojos usually have programs), they have classes for kids to teach them how to deal with bullies. Part of the program is to learn how to nip problems like this in the bud.

    Kids also have a tendency to listen to teachers and other adults more than to their parents. It’s the nature of being young I think. 🙂 However, self-defense classes when young help kids be more confident, partially because they know how to handle all sorts of situations like the one that happened to your daughter. But it also helps build confidence and self awareness.

    Most classes aren’t too expensive and sometimes a few months of classes can make a world of difference and give them a confidence that will stay with them for years to come.

    Just my two cents.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So, what happened? Did the boys stop or did she have to kick them? You’re right, boys acting that way is a learned behavior, which is so sad. I taught my son from a very young ago to not touch people without their permission. As he is now a pte-teen that lesson has morphed into “do not touch girls without permission”.
    I refuse for my son to be an ass!

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  3. My daughter was bullied by two other children at school. I told her to tell the teacher, and just leave the area. Take it once, take it twice then hit them twice as hard as you can the next time. Result? They never touch you again. She got i to troublemfor doing that the first time but never again , as I explained to the principal tha she was acting under my direction. That got results. Unfortunately. Sometimes you have to turn the other cheek with a big fist.

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  4. Did you contact the school to discuss this inappropriate touching? These boys should be immediately stopped and counseled to stop that behavior before it progresses. And it will progress – against your daughter and other girls.

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  5. I think you’re an awesome parent. I wish every parent told their daughters that they, and only they, are in charge of who touches their bodies. I wish someone had taught me that. Parents of sons have to do better.

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  6. Absolutely mama bear. That is so much the wrong message to send our boys that it’s ok to touch someone boy or girl especially when they’ve already told you no. Is that equivalent to baby sex assault. I think yes it is. So you go mama bear and all the mama bears out there teach your kids to stand up for themselves.

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  7. Your article hit a nerve in me. No one has the right to touch another person without their consent, which is why I was so upset when my five year old son told me about ‘privates’ a few days ago. After some quick and not so meditative breathing I asked what he meant. He tried to smile but mommy didn’t have her smile face on. He quickly explained that a penise and vagina shouldn’t be touched by others. Humm… it is exactly this teaching that leads to children being assaulted in other ways. I quietly explained to my son that every part of his body is private. Period.

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  8. I’d go easy on escalating the physical/violent part. I was in 4th grade and a girl was playing football (tackle) with us on the school sports field at recess. I tackled her (she weighed 25lbs less) and she hit the ground hard. She proceeded to get up and follow me then kick me in the privates. I was enraged and flung her on the ground so hard that she broke her wrist. Of course, I got suspended from school and it took me years to overcome the bully reputation. So, let’s be very clear when it’s appropriate to resort to dick kicking. It’s the most painful thing you can do to a boy.

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  9. I am a grown woman who was bullied her entire young life and I can tell you that the longer it goes on, the more intense it can get. It’s taken me decades to understand it and get past it. In my opinion, “bullying” is a nicer word for physical, verbal and emotional abuse; even if the perpetrator is a child. My perpetrator was a male child three years older than me. He was also much taller and physically and verbally stronger than me. I fought back but I was no match. He warned me that if I did; I would be hit back two and three times as hard. He was good on his promise. Bystanders looked the other way or just figured “Kids will be kids.” Not so. If this were done to an adult; it would be considered assault and possibly a restraining order could be requested. So, why is it not more important to protect children? Why is it overlooked because they are children? Someone should intervene or be supervising when children like this are alone together. (Perhaps you could consider it a teachable moment to show the perpetrator consequences for their actions while teaching them a better way to interact.) What’s the answer to bullying? Might I suggest… 1. An awareness that bullies pick on those weaker than themselves; so it is not a fair fight. 2. Bystanders need to speak up and know that Intervening can make all the difference. This includes parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, adult family friends, teachers, neighbours, bus drivers, acquaintances, and other children on the playground…anyone. 3. An awareness that the bully can also be a sibling and live in the child’s home where they are supposed to feel safe. Parents need to be aware when sibling rivalry crosses the line into sibling abuse. If they are bullies on the playground; they may have been bullies at home first. 4. Raise your sons and daughters to respect the rights of others. Fathers and mothers need to teach them how to behave and model good behaviour for them.to see. Afterall, bullies are likely kids who have had the misfortune of a poor role model somewhere in their life and the belief that it’s their right to take from and mistreat people who are weaker than them. I suggest checking out Barbara Coloroso’s book “The Bully, the bullied and the not-so-innocent bystander” and also John V. Caffaro’s book, “Sibling Abuse Trauma: Assessment and Intervention Strategies for Children, Families and Adults”.
    .

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  10. This happened to my daughter when she was about 8 or 9. I gave her permission to handle the situation in the same way. Then, I went to school and explained the situation to the teacher, and asked if I could speak with the two boys in the hallway. The last thing I did was call both of their mother’s. We never had any problems after that.

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  11. My comment will be short and straightforward:

    Your daughter is six and these boys are bullying and quite literally physically molesting her?

    They are way wrong and way out of line.

    Sounds like she already told the teacher and did everything correctly to let them know it’s NOT OKAY to treat her like that.

    I say, those little terrors have already been given plenty of advance warning.

    Their teachers and principals should already be addressing this is issue with the boys’ parents.

    If they are not, and the same thing happens again?

    Tell her to skip ahead right to the part where she turns around and kicks all of them right in the nuts as hard as she can.

    They’ve had more than plenty of advance notice their behaviour is Not Okay. They all deserve swift kicks right in the nuts.

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  12. I here for all of it. Taught my step-daughter self defense in our unfinished basement, and the knee to the ground was part of the lesson. I also would teach them about parking lots and movie theatres fire exits, and about how panicking in a crowd could get you killed. My husband always said, “you’re scaring them!” Well, a few years ago when she was at Stevenson University, MD, a shooter was loose on the campus. She found herself in a classroom with a group of panicked kids. After the ordeal she called and said, “Mackie! I remembered everything you taught me. I took charge and began piling all the chairs and desks behind the door to make it harder for him to get in.” Boys are taught to protect themselves. Girls are taught to grin and bear it. I teach the girls in my life to wipe the smiles of those grinning faces.

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  13. I would have reacted exactly as you did, Mandi – your advice to your daughter is spot on. And you know what? If the bullies get a swift kick in the groin, they are getting off easy. They should learn right now that their behavior is unacceptable.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Instead of telling your 6 year old to resort to violence (she has told the teachers) and nothing is deterring these boys. So what’s the answer? Speak to the boy and his parents. Stop the harassment with words, mind you, use strong words. Violence will just bring on more violence especially if the boys experience this at home. The parents need to know this is not acceptable.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I spoke to the teachers and the principal myself. My daughter didn’t explain that she was groped, merely that she was being bothered. Once the teacher heard the extent of the issue, she met with the other first grade teachers and dealt with the boys. My daughter never had to resort to “violence” or self defense, thankfully.

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  15. Really a good advice to your daughter. I think that the way to becoming a sexual offender starts already in primary school. So an instantaneous feedback from the girls is vital to stop this development. Would you agree if I translate your story into spanish and use all the photos from your page here?

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  16. spot on. and more spot on for involving the teachers and the principal. my daughter is a senior and she has had permission to get physical with anyone not respecting her boundaries since she knew how to say no, tell the adult in charge, file complaints, etc. and she has. and we have, as parents, supported her and gotten involved with the appropriate parents/adults in charge ourselves. sometimes it works to deter the inappropriate shit. sometimes the adults in charge are shit themselves and that in itself is a life lesson and motivating force to not back down. and furthermore my son, who is older than my daughter, is a champion himself of proper boundaries. because he himself has been a victim of inappropriate boundary threats from both girls and boys, and he won’t have any of it. he’s been mocked for it in every conceivable way because his large intimidating frame doesn’t fit the narrative of a “real man” many times…but he revels in modeling the way a dude should stand up for the wronged. you gotta teach kids how to be adults.

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  17. Maybe somebody else already said it, but why is the mom putting her daughter back on the playground so the bullies can grope her AGAIN? I worked for 10 years in a public school office. Mom should have gone straight to the school with her husband, and should have requested a meeting with the teacher and the principal to inform them that this behavior stopped “yesterday”, and any further such behavior would be dealt with by informing the school board and an attorney. It’s sexual assault. Schools do not like negative publicity. Then make it stick. If you don’t, consider the consequences.

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    • I am the mom, and I discussed the incident the next morning with her teacher and principal. They took care of it immediately. My children’s school is wonderful, and I would not have put my child in a situation where I thought she could be harmed.

      Having said that, I still believe it’s important that I told her what I did because it might happen again with another kid. Parents cannot always fight their children’s battles, so she must be armed with her own defense when I am not there.

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    • No. She didn’t have to. When I contacted the school, the teacher handled it. My daughter didn’t tell the teacher exactly what the boys were doing, just that they were bothering her, so when I contacted her and told her the details, she handled it. Never happened again. I would tell her again and again to do the same thing, especially now with the #metoo movement. I’m teaching her now that she is in control.

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      • Thank you for replying. I think it is awesome you’d advise her to kick boys in the nuts if they harass her. It will do wonders for her confidence, I think. Will you please email me? There is something very directly related to your advice/column I’d very much value getting your opinion on.

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  18. Hello Mandi,

    I recently discovered your blog “Why I Told My Daughter to Kick Your Son in the Balls”, and found it a very compelling read. I was wondering if I would ask you some follow up questions to it- not so much your daughters situation- but more specifically your advice to her (to kick her bullies in the balls), to gain a sort of insight into the mind/mentality of you as a woman, and a mother etc.

    I ask this as a man, who recently found myself in an awkward situation where I witnessed a fight between a little boy and little girl of the same age as your daughter (6), where he was the bully/aggressor, and she was the victim forced to stand up for herself.

    I would like to tell you what happened, my feelings on it and how I attempted to mediate it once I got involved, and how my feelings/thoughts on it were so different than the girls mother, a woman who happened along, and yourself.

    If interested can you please email me?

    I know this is a random request and your time is valuable but I would really appreciate your insight/feedback. If nothing else, you might get a kick out of reading it (no pun intended). Again, I would greatly appreciate it.

    Thank you!

    -Troy

    Liked by 1 person

    • Hi Troy. Thank you for the comment. I do not communicate privately with men, so any communication you wish to have must be done here in a public comment setting. You may ask your questions here, but if it’s too private of a subject to have in a public conversation, then it is not one I wish to have. This is a rule that I won’t bend. Thank you for understanding.

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      • Okay, well, it’s a little lengthy, but, hopefully you’ll forgive me that. I was at a friends daughters’s birthday party at a skating rink. I was bored and, after a time, being a single man there with no child of my own, my mind/attention wandered. I began to take notice of these two boys, one in particular, who were picking on this little girl.They’d shove her into walls, trip her, harass her, etc. I thought it rude, but…ultimately none of my business, and wrote it off as kids being kids. None of the gaggle of soccer moms seemed to take notice. A little later, I am walking by the little room where the shoe lockers are, and see the the meaner little boy and the little girl in there alone, and he was still bullying her. He was pushing her and yanking at her hair, laughing. I see this happening, and debate intervening and telling the little shit to leave her alone. But, being a single/alone adult male approaching/correcting a child that I do not know made me uneasy, paranoid (due to perception), I felt uncomfortable doing so. But, I didn’t like his bullying her, either. So, I decided I’d just monitor until someone else came by, thinking one of the aforementioned soccer mom’s would be along at any moment.

        She tried tried escaping, tried getting out of there but he kept baring her way, she kept saying “Stop!” or Move!”, and tried slipping past him but he grabbed her wrist. She said, “Let me go!” and wrenched free. He then grabbed her by her hair, so she slapped him, and warned him “leave her alone or else”. Perhaps angry he’d been struck, he attacked her violently, but she evaded his hit/attack. Now, at this point, bullying had escalated to an outright fight, and I felt I had step in, but…something made me pause…morbid curiosity perhaps? I can’t say why, but I didn’t interfere. He swung at her and she leaned back, causing him to miss….she then stepped back, and – WHAM – kicked him right in the balls.

        He buckled over with a desperate “Ooomph!!!!” cupping himself, with a look of agony and horrified disbelief on his face, wide eyed and terrified, and tried to scream out in pain but she’d knocked all the air out of him. He just made a high pitched wheezing sound. He started turning dark red then purple, tears in his eyes. He sank down to his knees, convulsed (I thought he might vomit), rolled onto his back, his knees pulling into his belly, and he turned over, and hands covering his groin, curled up in the fetal position, at her feet. She just stared down at him, kinda puzzled/confused. I watched as he groaned/coughed and dry heaved, and she just took it all in, wide eyed with disbelief, or perhaps slight amazement. I suspect she was in awe that she, with one casual, effortless kick, had such an effect on him- and of course, that’s the problem. Also, I also sort of felt partially responsible…had I intervened, I could have spared him that agony.

        At this point in time, I finally said okay, I have to step in an “parent” this situation, as best I could. I do not have any children, and am a man, so it doesn’t come naturally to me what to do. I walked over and she looked up at me, terrified (I mean, I am a stranger, and to a kid, I’m sure I am an imposing giant). I think she was scared she was in trouble. After all, he was on the ground holding himself and dry heaving. To be honest, It took everything I had not to crack up laughing, but I had to try and be mature/impartial/authoritative. I asked her her named, she meekly said, “Hayden.” I said, to be reassuring, “That is a lovely name. What happened here, Hayden?” She looked down at him, and said, “I kicked him.” I said, “Oooh, you got him good, huh?” She nodded. I asked her why, and she said, “He was mean to me and called me stupid and hit me.” So, I said, “Well, then, did did the right thing, standing up for yourself. He had no right to hit you, so, it was okay to fight back.” She beamed a wide eyed smile at that, proud that she was not only not in trouble, but praised/affirmed.

        But, now that I’d let her know she was not in trouble for defending herself, I had to ask if what she’d done to him (booting his balls) was an unfortunate accident, or deliberate. I asked her, “Do you know what you did to him?” She looked down at him, meekly, trying not to enjoy his reaction. Now, I just assumed it been an unfortunate accident, and she was just kicking at him, randomly, and got lucky and hit him in the stones. But, I also wondered if she knew what she’d done to him – as in, did she know what she was doing, aiming her kick where she knew he was vulnerable and unprotected? I asked her if she knew where she had kicked him and she said “I got him in his nuts!” She then burst out in a giggle.

        Now, I was glad she had defended herself, but, she’d kicked him in the no-no’s. And I felt that was NOT okay. I had to let her know in no uncertain terms she should NOT have kicked him in his groin. I said, “Well sweetheart you really shouldn’t kick boys in the balls.” She looked perplexed, and asked me why not. I was trying not to dissuade her confidence in standing up for herself, but, didn’t want to explain anatomy to a child either, and how do you explain to little girl how effective a kick to the nuts is, without encouraging her, making it sound funny, or making her want to go and do it more, or to other boys, now aware of the power she could easily excerpt? I just said, “Boys are weak there, and if you kick them they end up helpless, and there’s really nothing they can do about it. It’s not fair for them.” She still looked confused as to why this was a problem – and I thought, well where did she learn to do that, so I asked her, and she then told me, “My mommy told me to kick boys there.” I couldn’t help but be shocked a mom would encourage/urge her daughter to kick boys in the balls! Utterly floored, I asked, “She did?” and she said yes. I asked her, specifically, what her mommy told her, thinking she must have meant ONLY ever do that if she was being kidnapped- but no, she said, her mommy told her if a boy is ever mean to you, kick him really hard right in his tenders. I couldn’t believe a woman would encourage and TEACH a girl to target boys there, as – lets face it, in a fight between a little boy and a little girl, with the little girl fully aware of the effectiveness of a kick to the balls, the girl will win. Every time.

        Around this time, a woman happened on us, and asked me what was going on. I said, “Well they got in a little fight, and, it ended badly.” She looked down at the boy, still cupping himself, smiled and asked, “What happened?” even though it was obvious. I then said, “Well, she kicked him.” The woman then asked, “On purpose?” And I said, yes, and she replied, “Awesome! That is my girl!!” She bent down and gave the girl a high five for her efforts. Again, I was shocked, because the woman didn’t know the conditions of the fight, had no idea the boy was the aggressor, only that a boy and girl had been in a fight, and the girl won by cheating, and she ENJOYED that. I asked the woman, “Do you know either of these kids?” She said no, but she’d handle it from there. She stared down at the boy, unsympathetically, and eased him to his feet and said, “Ooooh, this sucks, huh? Does it hurt? How does it feel.” The boy tried putting his thoughts/feelings into words, but, struggled to explain what he was experiencing. (I doubt he could have ever contemplated he could experience such agony, and I think he was clearly struggling psychologically with the fact that a girl had put it in him.) The woman’s questions though were less genuinely concerned and more taunting. She then asked, “You like this feeling? This is what happens when you mess with girls. Remember that next time you pick a fight with one. Now run go fund your mother.” He began sobbing, probably humiliated and feeling injustice, but turned and obeyed-all of the defiance he had earlier the girl had robbed from him with a simple kick. She then stopped him, and said, “Wait. Apologize to her, first.” He looked at me, with defeated, sorrowful eyes, turned and looked at the little girl, who was boldly, confidently awaiting her satisfaction, and he said, weakly, “I’m sorry.” She grinned ear to ear, and he limped off, still bent at the waist and protecting himself.

        She then turned to Hayden and said, “Listen if he ever messes with you again, kick him again – just like that!” Hayden nodded, smiling. She then told her to ru along and join her friends/mother. I had not interrupted as I deferred to her, being a woman (and thus knowing how best to handle the kids) but asked, “Should you be encouraging her to kick boys in the balls like that??” She looked at me, with no concern, and asked, “Why not?” I said, “Because it’s not fair?” She laughed and shrugged, and said, “I think it’s perfectly fair. I taught my daughter to kick boys in the balls.” Again, I was aghast, floored by the audacity of it, and said, “Are you serious?” She said, “Absolutely.” Maybe its some latent chauvinism in me, but it angered me. I said I didn’t think that was right, and a girl should only kick a boy there if she’s about to be kidnapped, raped, or killed. She argued, “If he’s trying to fight her, he wants to hurt her, right? I agreed. She said, “Then, she has every right to hurt him in retaliation.” I said, “Yes, but that’s extreme overkill. If she slaps him and vice versa it’s evenly fair, but a kick to the balls is a game ender, every time. She will destroy him, every time!” She said, “Exactly, that’s precisely why I told her to do it. So she will win. Every time.” I was so mind blown I couldn’t form a sound argument, but I just said, “But that’s just not fair for the boy(s).” She said, bluntly “That’s his problem. I really don’t care.” I said, “It doesn’t bother you that she would have a decisive advantage if she does that? Or that the boy gets completely wrecked by her if she kids him in the balls??” She said, “Not a bit.” I added, “But, If you encourage her too much, she might enjoy the newfound power she has…might start going around doing it all the time.” The woman smiled, and said, “Good.” Shocked, I said, “Good??” And she replied, “I like for girls to be confident and not be the victims. The next boy that messes with her will get kicked too.” I said, “What about if she just starts doing it for fun?” She said, unsympathetically, “I’d rather it be that than the alternative where she is the victim. I choose her.”

        So, sorry, I know that was a LONG read. Anyway, that’s the story of what happened….but, the reason I want your insight is, I am still mind blown that apparently, mothers today (the little girl’s mom advised her to kick boys, the mom that came along encouraged it as well and taught her daughter, and you yourself) teach and encourage their daughters to little kick boys in their balls. Maybe it’s because I am older (38), when I was young, girls were taught to NEVER kick us in our junk unless it was rape or kidnapping, etc, basically extreme circumstances. Maybe you younger generation of women are teaching your daughters to do the unthinkable? Casually aim for the game changer?

        I guess my questions are as follows:

        Why do you think it’s okay for a little girl to kick a little boy in the balls for merely being bullied? I am all for standing up for ones self and am anti-bullying (including a good retaliatory physical response), but, if your daughter kicks a boy, the boy stands absolutely no chance. Maybe it’s because I am a male, and know the physical and psychological agony of having been kicked in the balls by a girl, but it seems unfair and overly harsh to me. Please elaborate for me while you feel it’s okay to (advise her to) target the testicles. Do you think it’s a generational thing, that your generation of younger, liberated women have no qualms about girls busting boys balls, and the ramifications?

        I also think for me, part of the issue is age…I think all teenage girls should know self defense to defend against predators – as once they become sexually dimorphic, they are potential targets, and even amounts young males they date, post puberty, they are at a size, weight, strength disadvantage. As such, I think if a male gets aggressive, a kick to the groin is warranted and smart, as it is so effectively debilitating and the smartest course for self defensive protection. But, among children aged 6 (like your daughter or the example I witnessed) if you inform your daughter about the effectiveness of a nut kick, she has a decisive advantage over every boy, and frankly puts her (or any girl so informed) on an uneven playing field. How is this fair for boys?

        Additionally, if your daughter had kicked one of her bullies in the balls, would you have felt pride? Happy? A sense of girl power? Amusement? Tragic guilt? For my part, in the situation i found myself, I was happy the girl won the fight and defended herself, and the boy was a jerk, but, she changed his entire world with that kick, and the woman who later got involved seemed to take great pleasure in it. I thought the girl (Hayden) should be punished for intentionally kicking him in his nuts, KNOWING what it would do to him, but she had been so coached and encouraged by her mom, and then reinforced by amusement by a random woman. Is there just a natural feministic glee from doing that??

        Also, the woman from my encounter acted like I was an idiot or even a jerk for taking such aversion to the kick or suggestion to kick. Again maybe it’s my sex….as a guy who has been painfully humbled in my youth by a girl in a similar fashion (I was NOT bullying), I empathize with the boy’s trauma -as much psychological as physical. While the pain is immense and probably the worst he’s ever experienced I fear the damage it may do to his psyche…a sense of weakness or helplessness or vulnerability may be a real risk as well as a feeling of inferiority to girls. Likewise, your daughter/the girls may develop a superiority complex, and run the risk of becoming bullies themselves, targeting boys where they are defenseless and weak.

        Okay think I have written more than enough. I apologize again for the length. I appreciate any and all insight….I really do just want to gain an understanding, and maybe see how I am apparently so 180 degrees out from you mothers/women.

        -Troy

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      • @autodefensaninas – No, I’m not sure it is the easiest, and I’m not sure it’s the most effective method of self-defense – can’t speak to its value as a restraint. It is a game changer when it connects, and I will agree it’s not appropriate in your garden variety playground scrap over a swing. But in the case the author, and the situation that Troy describes, I think it was warranted. There are situations where it wouldn’t be.
        @Troy “You’re conceding if a girl kicks a boy in the balls, she wins! Instantly. How is that fair?? How is it okay?” – Nope. I conceded nothing of the kind, and neither did the author. I conceded that it’s ok for someone to respond to repeated, unwanted physical contact or aggression that ignores boundaries with physical retaliation, in this case a kick in the balls. There may be another effective physical countermove you would find to be more “fair.” I’m ok with that too, as I’m sure the author is. Let’s not conflate this article and my response with a carte blanche for ball-kicking someone who cuts in line in Starbucks. We both know that isn’t ok. I can’t speak for your gleeful bystander, nor does she speak for me. “Winning” isn’t the goal – stopping the aggression is. And this, friends, is where I end this convo. Peace to you both.

        Liked by 2 people

  19. @Troy: You are right if the boy was not physically attacking her or if he only defended himself against her physical attack. There should be no physical fight between boys and girls. The one who breaks this rule is to be punished. Either the boy by the girl kickings his balls or the girl by her parents or school. She must not use her God-given ball kick power to overpower boys or to force boys into doing something she wants. That would be abuse and would not be acceptable.
    Both sexes have to learn that physical violence is no option. Though it’s a lesson for the males in the first instance. But humiliation by words is neither an option. This would be a lesson for the females in the first instance. But this is not the topic here. If the parents teach the girl to kick balls she should tell her to discriminate between on the one hand an adolescent or adult raper and on the other hand a physically attacking boy of the same age in respect to the strenghth of the kick. This would be important for the acceptance of the ball kick defence within the society.

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    • If the ball kick were the easy, go-to, game changer that you indicate (“She will win. Every time.”), and if teaching it as a defense tactic to little girls caused an epidemic of fights ending as such or in a rash of unprovoked kicks to the balls, I imagine that our world would look very different. I always knew I could “kick’em in the balls.” I never did. I pushed a boy off a porch for refusing to keep his hands off my body and I injured another boy’s shoulder socket for hitting me in the face with a basketball. A clear shot to the balls never presented itself in either case, I doubt I would have taken it if it had, and I wasn’t particularly proud or gleeful. I was mad. Why are we more concerned about her “glee” than we are his behavior? At what point is it ok for a girl or woman to start using violence to defend herself? How might the world look different if girls stopped being passive a little sooner? IMO your story proves the author’s advice is valid. So is your point about the ridiculous woman presuming blame – but it’s irrelevant. Bullying is wrong. False accusations are wrong. Presumption of guilt is bad. “Violence is never the answer” is a wonderful goal, but it only happens if you change the entire conversation.

      Liked by 1 person

      • “I always knew I could “kick’em in the balls.” I never did. ” Why did you prefer to defend physically in an other way than kicking the balls? Isn’t it the easiest and most effective way to restrain the guys?

        Like

      • Well, a ball kick IS an easy, go to game changer. A young boy cannot take a kick to the balls from a girl and not go down in humiliated defeat. Girls have an extreme advantage pre-puberty in that regard. All things are virtually equal, physically, with no discernible differences except boys are extremely vulnerable/weak in their testitcles, if exploited. It is why, for virtually all time, attacking them was off limit, and girls were taught to NEVER aim for the balls. You say, “I always knew I could “kick’em in the balls.” I never did.” Well, probably because you were taught not to- that it was wrong to do so. But you DID know that if you had, you’d have won. And yes, the world WOULD and I suspect WILL look very differently if more and more young girls are taught to kick their boy peers in the balls. Girls will be the dominant sex. Now, you can debate wether that is a good thing or not, but I think it’s a very dangerous

        My concerns about the glee were with the glee of the woman/adult. She seemed to really be enjoying seeing the boy struggle with the pain in his testicles, and really, really loved that the little girl had caused it. I just found that puzzling. It wan’t just lack of empathy for his aching balls, it was outright delighting in it. You ask, “At what point is it ok for a girl or woman to start using violence to defend herself? How might the world look different if girls stopped being passive a little sooner?” Well, I obviously am glad she defended herself. I do not defend his behavior, he was a brat and a bully, and deserved punishment…but did he deserve to be kicked in the balls?!? I am all for her or any little girls defending themselves physically, but again, if they know to kick boys in the balls, they will never lose. And yes, the world will look differently. Girls will always win.

        You said, “IMO your story proves the author’s advice is valid.” And this is what I was hoping Mandi would comment on….you, as a woman, feel the advice is valid- because you’re conceding if a girl kicks a boy in the balls, she wins! Instantly. WHAM, a kick, thats it, she wins. How is that fair?? How is it okay?

        I agree bullying is wrong. And I am glad the girl stood up to her bully….but she completely dominated him. I fear the wrong lessons were learned in the encounter. “Violence is never the answer” isn’t something I entirely agree with, I DO believe in standing up to a bully, and think she was awesome to do so, I just took issue with HOW she did (kicking him where he was defenseless), and mores, the mothers/women who enthusiastically encourage her to do so. But, again, you’re a woman, do you disagree?

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  20. Referring to the last posting of @That Shameless Hussy perhaps for the pacification of @Troy we should define when a kick to the male groin is the right answer for the posters here. We should discriminte the age of the male and the female part, shouldn’t we? Or do you think that the response of a 4-9 year old girl and a 10-13 year old girl should be the same?

    Like

  21. Mandi,

    I was really hoping to hear back from you- I took a lot of time/effort to type that out. If you are not going to respond, will you please delete my post/story? Thank you.

    -Troy

    Like

  22. Troy, I did not initially respond to your comment because I saw it for what it was: a really long story that I highly doubt actually happened and mostly because I don’t know a single adult who would just stand by and let a child get assaulted and held against her/his will with his jaw hinged and do nothing. If (and I do not believe it is) this story is true, you are the number one person at fault here.

    Because my response is so important to you, and so you’ll quit messaging me about responding, I will respond even though I’ve been busy dealing with two parents who have been hospitalized, but clearly my response is more important than my attention to my family. Perhaps you should have been as diligent for a response from the soccer moms you mentioned so respectfully in this story.

    I’ve highlighted a few pieces from your story.

    “They’d shove her into walls, trip her, harass her, etc.” – This is the point where an adult should have stepped in and defended the child who was outnumbered. And if you didn’t feel comfortable (for whatever reason), you should have found a responsible and less meek adult (i.e. one of the gaggle of soccer moms) to come step in. When a child is being assaulted by another child, it is the duty of the adults to step in and defend the child. Boy or girl.

    “see the the meaner little boy and the little girl in there alone, and he was still bullying her. He was pushing her and yanking at her hair, laughing. I see this happening, and debate intervening and telling the little shit to leave her alone. But, being a single/alone adult male approaching/correcting a child that I do not know made me uneasy, paranoid (due to perception), I felt uncomfortable doing so.” — This is physical violence. If this was a grown man, she could press charges for assault. Same if it happened between two men. Shame on you for standing in the corner watching and not stepping in as the (per your story) only adult paying attention. There are people who work at the skating rink that you could have found who could have stepped in. This is unacceptable adult behavior.

    “she kept saying “Stop!” or Move!”, and tried slipping past him but he grabbed her wrist. She said, “Let me go!” and wrenched free. He then grabbed her by her hair, so she slapped him, and warned him “leave her alone or else”. Perhaps angry he’d been struck, he attacked her violently, but she evaded his hit/attack. Now, at this point, bullying had escalated to an outright fight, and I felt I had step in, but…something made me pause…morbid curiosity perhaps? I can’t say why, but I didn’t interfere. He swung at her and she leaned back, causing him to miss….she then stepped back, and – WHAM – kicked him right in the balls.” — She said stop. She used words first. She had already been physically assaulted and was being held against her will. She tried to get away. She used basic self-defense. And something in your story said she was shocked. Of course she was (if this were a true story) because any child who was being attacked and finally got their attacker off of him/her would be shocked.

    “had such an effect on him- and of course, that’s the problem.” This is the problem? The boy pulled her hair, held her against her will, used physical violence, and she tried to get away multiple times, and then did the one thing that got him off of her, and this is the problem? No, your not stepping in and helping two children is the problem.

    I still stand by any child defending him/herself. When a child is being physically assaulted or touched inappropriately by another child, the victim has every right to defend him/herself, and the assailant has no rights anymore. The minute that this incident started, the boy who eventually got kicked in the balls gave up any rights to fairness.

    Like

    • Mandi,

      First off let me say I am sorry to hear about your parents. I obviously had no way of knowing about that. Obviously, I am not an insensitive to familial obligations. I was not trying to come off as pushy or rude, and apologize if I did… I merely genuinely wanted your feedback. But it appears you don’t like me, and I honestly am not sure why or what I did to invoke such a reaction (again, I am sorry about your parents/situation but was entirely unawares). I am grateful you did respond, though you seem like you want me to “quit messaging you”. As such, I’m addressing this post, and will not further since you find me bothersome, a coward, and dishonest. Again, I am sorry and not sure why, I thought the point of a blog was feedback and correspondence, but…so be it.

      For starters, the events I described DID happen. I don’t know why you would think otherwise. It was me reading/going online because of what I saw that led me t your blog, in fact. It seems the main reason you doubt me is because I did not intervene sooner. Please allow me to try and elaborate why as apparently I failed to do so properly in my initial post? Again, I am not a writer, so, sorry if I didn’t explain adequately. When I witnessed the fight, I was alone. It was the two kids, in private/hidden away, and he was bullying her. I do not have any children so, I don’t have the most experience with them, but I thought correcting other peoples kids was generally frowned upon? I knew neither child nor their parents, so I was uncomfortable with the idea of scolding a child. I didn’t want the ramifications of discipling a child as a stranger, as I might be seen as a bully or even a pervert. As a man, I have to be aware that some might see an adult male alone with a kid/kids as creepy when though my intentions would be good. Maybe this is a concern only other men may understand. So, my initial reluctance was out of fear/discomfort.

      Secondly, I debated going and getting staff (which was admittedly a poorly run place, understaffed by lazy teens), but that would have forced me to leave them unattended, and if I DID have to step in (I genuinely was torn, as I wanted to) on her behalf, I wouldn’t have been there to do so. I fear if I left them, he might hurt her. As it ironically turned out, after she kicked him HE was the one who needed help.

      And thirdly, and maybe it didn’t read this way as I describe it (again apologies, not a writer) -it happened quickly. I’d say from the moment I saw them, realized what was going on, to the escalation and culminating in the kick, it could not have been more than 30-40 seconds.

      I fully accept I should have intervened sooner. You call me meek, and say shame on me, and while I do not like that I suppose it is a fair opinion. I should have defended her. And had I intervened, I could have spared the boy the anguish and humiliation she put in him. Now, as I said, I was glad that she stood up for herself and defended herself. But, I was horrified at what she ended up doing to him. But, yes, I am sorry I did not intervene from the outset….but to be fair, again, it happened so quickly.

      You go on and say, “She said stop. She used words first. She had already been physically assaulted and was being held captive. She tried to get away. She used basic self-defense. And something in your story said she was shocked. Of course she was (if this were a true story) because any child who was being attacked and finally got their attacker off of him/her would be shocked.” She seemed shocked at his physical reaction….his grabbing his balls, groaning, weeping and becoming so helpless and fetal. She didn’t seem to understand why his reaction was so bizarre…as though she didn’t fully comprehend what she’d done to him by kicking him in the balls. Hence why I assumed it was an innocent accident…and was so surprised to learn she’d been coached to KNOWINGLY do that to him. I then realized her shock was merely due to the fact that it must have been her first time to actually DO so and was just in awe at what she’d done.

      You go on, ““had such an effect on him- and of course, that’s the problem.” This is the problem? The boy pulled her hair, held her against her will, used physical violence, and she tried to get away multiple time and then did the one thing that got him off of her, and this is the problem? No, your not stepping in and helping two children is the problem.”

      Okay, again, admittedly I should have stepped in earlier. I am sorry, I am guilty, but my intentions were good, I promise. I stayed to monitor but should have done more. That being said, of course I saw what she did as a problem! Yes, his bullying was a problem…but she resolved that herself…and in doing so, given how she did so, created a far larger one.

      You say she did the ONE thing that got him off her…once she started defending herself, she was holding her own fine (as a fight between a boy and girl of their age is fair/balanced)….but once she decided to kick him in his balls, she wrecked him. She clearly had been taught to kick a boy in his tender points. But she also clearly didn’t really understand what she was doing based on her reaction (to his reaction)….but it didn’t take long for her to relish in his suffering and knowing she had caused it….made moreso when her decision to kick his nuts was affirmed by the woman. She had gotten advice from one female (her mother) and reaffirmed by a second (the woman/mom who came along) to bust his balls, and she clearly enjoyed it. Do you think that’s good or fair, for her to take pride in busting his balls??

      I don’t understand how this is not seen as a problem? The girls mother taught her a move that is entirely unfair, one that the boy has no defense for, and once the victim of the kick, is helpless. It is an entirely unfair advantage for the girl. YES, she was the victim of bullying and YES, he started it, but once she chose to go for his balls- something she’d been TAUGHT to do by a woman (her mom), he stood no chance. He then became a victim, suffering immensely from her specifically targeted kick to his testicles.

      “I still stand by any child defending him/herself. When a child is being physically assaulted or touched inappropriately by another child, the victim has every right to defend him/herself, and the assailant has no rights anymore. The minute that this incident started, the boy who eventually got kicked in the balls gave up any rights to fairness.”

      I guess I don’t see it that way. I mean, I concur that she should have defended herself, of course. I was proud herder that. But, I don’t think it’s okay for her to so nonchalantly kick him there. Maybe it’s because I am a guy and know what it is like to be kicked in the balls by a girl. It’s more that you can imagine. The boy she kicked suffered physical and psychological trauma. He was a jerk, but he is still a child, and I don’t see how you can feel it’s okay that she kicked him, and mores, that you would have advised her to do the same. Like her mother, or the soccer mom. It seems like you all as women don’t appreciate the power you’re teaching your girls to have/exert over the boys. Boys balls make them weaker than girls, and any girls that take advantage of it, it’s just not fair!!

      Anyway, I hope I cleared up my position more. I hope you understand I was not trying to “sit by meekly”, and was conflicted, and hope you understand why I did. I also hope you know I am glad the girl defended herself, and I am glad she didn’t let herself be a victim….I just can’t believe she kicked him in the nuts, and I couldn’t believe she did so because her mother taught her to. I appreciate you responding, even though you seemingly do not like me. Again, for whatever I did that made me so annoying to you, I am sorry, and hope your parents improve and that situation works out well.

      -Troy

      Like

      • Just found this last comment in my spam folder. Guess WordPress doesn’t believe your story either. I still don’t.

        You are looking for an argument about how a girl should not use force against a boy who is using force against her, and I will not change my stance. Every single self defense class I’ve ever taken has taught me to kick a man in the balls if I’m being held against my will. Why wouldn’t a “soccer mom” teach her child what she’s been taught? Do you know how many girls are assaulted every day? Look it up. Want another statistic? The amount of lives ruined by assault is much higher than the amount of lives ruined by groin kicks or ball busters as you call them. You can look that one up to if your mom gives you that much time on the internet. Did the fake boy with the fake balls that got a fake kick suffer any life long consequence? No, as you said, he was embarrassed. Boo fucking hoo. Then he shouldn’t assault someone. Lesson learned.

        Hey! Here’s an idea. Teach boys to not assault girls. Problem solved. Teach all children to keep their hands to themselves (which I do, BTW.) Then my daughter won’t have to kick some poor defenseless boy (WHO IS ASSAULTING HER) in the balls.

        You are correct. I do not like you because I do not believe you are real. Your fake profile, and fake story, and fake comments have no place in a discussion/conversation. This is why WordPress sent them to spam. Nobody is buying your BS. Especially me.

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  23. Thanks for the laugh, Troy. It takes a special kind of woman-hater to make up the kind of story you did just to have a little hand-wringing session over the idea that a little girl has a right not to be assaulted and held against her will.

    Like

  24. Okay?? I don’t get why you don’t believe me.I have done nothing to warrant this amount of hostility. WordPress sent my reply to spam? How is that my fault? I am not a “fake” profile/person. I didn’t even expect you to reply. My last post was more to elaborate my position given you didn’t believe me and insulted (calling me meek, implying I was foolish, etc) me at the same time. I also apologized for apparently interrupting a family crisis.

    “You are looking for an argument about how a girl should not use force against a boy who is using force against her, and I will not change my stance.”

    I’m not! I agree she should have defended herself! I have no issue with her defending herself. I think kicking the boy where she did was excessive but even then I don’t fault her for that as she was TAUGHT to by an adult woman. It was that I found perplexing, and was hoping for some insight, but have been met with nothing but hostility.

    “Every single self defense class I’ve ever taken has taught me to kick a man in the balls if I’m being held against my will.”
    Of course! because 1.) of it’s effectiveness! It’s entirely debilitating and 2.) women are more likely at a huge physical disadvantage. I take no issue with women being taught to attack the groin in self defense, that makes sense! But there is a huge gulf of difference between grown woman defending against a would be attacker/rapist, much larger and more dangerous than she is, and two evenly matched children where the girl can wreck the boy with casual ease. Thats all!

    “Why wouldn’t a “soccer mom” teach her child what she’s been taught?”

    For the reasons I just said. Because it unfairly shifts all power towards girls. A girl, aware of the power of a kick to the balls, will beat a boy ever time. Every time! how is that fair?

    “Do you know how many girls are assaulted every day? Look it up.”
    I know, and I am not defending what the boy did! But in this case, HE was assaulted more than she was. He was the one that ended up in agony.

    “Want another statistic? The amount of lives ruined by assault is much higher than the amount of lives ruined by groin kicks or ball busters as you call them.”
    Again, I am not defending assault. Why are you bringing this up? I honestly don’t get the hostility. I don’t want ANYONE’S lives ruined by assault. Hers. His. Anyones. Also, is a hard kick in the nuts NOT assault? Nevemind, what does it matter? I’d just be insulted.

    “You can look that one up to if your mom gives you that much time on the internet. Did the fake boy with the fake balls that got a fake kick suffer any life long consequence? No, as you said, he was embarrassed. Boo fucking hoo. Then he shouldn’t assault someone. Lesson learned.”
    I’m not a child (yet another unwarranted insult). The boy (real) may or may not have…I don’t know. I know, having witnessed it, he was in excruciating pain and was horrified at what happened to him. And I am sure he DID learn a lesson (more than one)…but what lesson did the GIRL learn? Kicking boys in the balls is easy and effective. Is that what you want girls to know??

    “Hey! Here’s an idea. Teach boys to not assault girls. Problem solved. Teach all children to keep their hands to themselves (which I do, BTW.) Then my daughter won’t have to kick some poor defenseless boy (WHO IS ASSAULTING HER) in the balls.”

    I would, obviously!! He’s notary kid. I didn’t even like him! I liked her, she was a sweet little girl. My God, I’m not arguing his side versus hers…I admit I should have interceded before it got to that point and I agree she had EVERY RIGHT to defend herself I was merely shocked she 1.) chose to kick him in the balls, intentionally and (moreso) 2.) she had been COACHED to do so, and another woman/mother agreed she does the same. I found your article and thought I might find some insight as to why you, the woman that intervened and the girl who kicked the boy’s mother would all be teaching young girls the same thing, to aim for the balls. Instead I’ve been met with insults and straw men arguments I never made.

    I’m not fake, lying etc. I don’t know why anything was sent to spam. I don’t know why I am so lambasted by you when all I did initially was seek out an opinion. All I got for my efforts was wasted time and berated even after I was polite. Maybe THIS will go to spam too, and maybe not. Whatever. Sorry I ever even bothered going to you for insight. Have a great life.

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    • Troy, do you need some good book suggestions? Perhaps some recommendations on good a good tv series? A movie?

      “Frozen.”

      “Let it go….let it go….”

      PS- my daughter as well, will be taught to take drastic measures if need be, against someone crossing over physical boundaries. Even if the boy needs to have sore nuts for a bit to remember to NEVER again touch a women (or anyone for that matter) who has repeatedly (really even once) asked them to stop.

      Like

  25. “A girl, aware of the power of a kick to the balls, will beat a boy ever time.”

    When boys attack and hold girls against their will, the girl should beat the boy every time.

    Honestly your stance on this is horrifying and I genuinely hope that you stay away from children, especially little girls, forever.

    Like

    • Sigh. I wanted a better understanding to get what apparently didn’t jive with my logic. I came here for understanding and get insults. Thanks. You really helped me see the disconnect (sarcasm).

      Like

      • The problem with your logic is this:

        Girls are human beings.
        Human beings have a right to defend themselves, full stop.
        When human A attacks human B, physically harms human B, and holds human B against human B’s will in order to continue hurting human B, human B has the absolute right to respond in whatever way neccessary to end the criminal assault against themselves.

        You believe that there should be certain moves that are off limits to human B, apparently based on human Bs age, because it human B were older, it would be OK for human B to use whatever moves needed.

        You are wrong.

        Liked by 1 person

  26. NCJW,

    Of course I know girls are human beings…I do not value girls less than boys. If anything, I’d probably show preference the other way…”women and children” sort of old school mentality.

    I agree 100% with your analogy, save for the factor OF age, because they are kids. Even the jerk bully boy I saw, while he deserved comeuppance (and I won’t say it wasn’t gratifying to see her kick him in the balls), is still, ultimately, a child.

    I just was surprised that women/mothers today (I suppose what, a range of 20-35?) have been actively teaching their daughters to aim for the balls. Given how effective and overwhelming a physical attack it is, given they are children. I mean it is the #1 thing taught in self defense because it’s such an effective attack…it can permanently damage…which, if used on like a rapist or abusive man, GOOD! But, it just didn’t jive with me to suggest a little girl kick a boy in the testicles as she isn’t aware of the gravity of what she is doing, and could permanently damage him physically or mentally.

    Mind you, that doesn’t mean I condone bullying by the boy, in taking issue/questioning the advice these women are giving their daughters/girls to aim for the balls. Especially because, lets face it, children often don’t understand the repercussions of their acts, so, I suspect many girls who are told/taught to kick a boy in the balls (even if only in matters of defense of say, bullying) will probably be curious about doing it just to see for themselves the effects. And, I also think many girls that get curious about kicking a boy there, after the idea is put in their brain, will do so, and probably enjoy it, both for the feeling of power they discover they have or for the humor of it, seeing the boys pained reaction. I won’t argue it’s not funny, one can’t help but laugh but obvious as adults we can empathize, but children do not. So, I can see where well intended advice from women to little girls to kick boys there (in defense) might lead to girls actively going out and kicking boys for fun. And as the boys have no defense for it, well, you see the problem.

    At the same time, God knows I’d want a little girl to know to aim a kick into an adult male’s balls if he ever tried to abduct/harm/worse/etc her, as it would be her ONLY viable defense/chance. Perhaps I am just caught up on the possible ramifications based on age. And, I dunno, perhaps being a man, and coming at it from a male’s perspective, I empathize more with the boy that the women/mothers who are encouraging their girls to kick little boys. I cannot deny that possibility, which is one of the chief reasons I sought out the advice/opinion/perspective of Mandi (a woman, mother, and one who is giving that very advice to her daughter) in the first place.

    Regardless, I appreciate your honest feedback. Thank you.

    -Troy

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