Why I Told My Daughter to Kick Your Son in the Balls

There was an article that went around last year that my virtual writer friend Ashley Fuchs wrote called The Reason My Daughter May Punch Your Son. When I read the article, my daughter was in kindergarten. In my mind, she was years away from this kind of harassment, so I read it, and I shared it, but I didn’t internalize it the way some of my fellow parents did. Because I thought I had more time.

Turns out, my time is up.

“Mom, I got bullied today,” she said as we walked home from school.

“Bullied?” I questioned. I don’t like the word. I think it’s overused and thrown around, and I have a hard time thinking that my sassy, very independent little girl could possibly be bullied, so I questioned her a little. She tends to be dramatic, and by the time we got home, she said some boys were chasing her on the playground. I told her not to play with them anymore if they bugged her, and that was that. We went on with our day.

Fast forward to dinner where she brought it up again. We always go through our highs and our lows of the day, and when it was her turn to voice her low, she said, “Some boys bullied me today.” Since this was the second time she brought it up, I probed harder.

“Tell me exactly what happened, ” I said. She went on to say that some boys were hitting her butt on the playground, and when she told them to stop, they called her chubby and laughed at her.

That’s right. Two boys put their hands on my daughter, and when she told them to stop, they called her fat and made fun of her. Let that sink in for a second.

Want to know where they learned that? I have an idea.

Rage boiled inside of me, but I squelched it and asked her what she did next. She said she told the teacher, and the teacher told them to stop, but they didn’t.

The more I listened, the angrier I got. She showed me on my own butt what they were doing, and it can only be described as groping, but she didn’t understand that.

BECAUSE SHE IS SIX!

We discussed how inappropriate and unacceptable it was/is, and I commended her for doing the right thing by telling the teacher.

She put her head down and said, “Tomorrow, I’m just going to hide at recess.”

I pulled her into me and lifted her chin up so she could look me in the eye, and I said, “NO. You will not let two boys ruin your free time. You will not allow them to take your fun away. They are breaking the rules. If they do that tomorrow, you say ‘Keep your hands off of me.’ If they do not stop, you tell the teacher. If they continue to bother you, you turn around and step on their feet, or kick them in the shins or their business, and if you get in trouble, go ahead and tell your teacher to give me a call.” I explained that she might end up in the principal’s office and that we would deal with it if we had to, but I made sure she knew that she was empowered to defend herself.

Our boys are learning from us. It is not innate that when a girl says no, they immediately go to calling her fat or ugly. This is learned behavior. Your job as a mother and as a father is to make sure your sons (and daughters) know better. I can tell you that if I learned that my son had touched a girl the way these boys touched my daughter or spoke to another child the way they did, there would be some serious consequences at our home. He knows better. He’s been taught to respect all people, all women, your daughters, so if he steps out of line there, I want to know.

Parents, teach your sons (and daughters) that they are not entitled to touch anyone anywhere, that my daughter’s back side is not for their hands, that if they do put their hands on (MY) child, they will not get away with it because she will defend herself the best way she can.

Thoughts?

(To read more of Ashley Fuchs’ articles, visit her page: The Incredible Adventures of the Malleable Mom.)

 

Strong 2

Photocredit: Stock photo

 

 

 

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105 thoughts on “Why I Told My Daughter to Kick Your Son in the Balls

  1. I would recommend signing her up for a kids ‘self-defense’ class. Where I go to class for Krav Maga training (ATA martial arts dojos usually have programs), they have classes for kids to teach them how to deal with bullies. Part of the program is to learn how to nip problems like this in the bud.

    Kids also have a tendency to listen to teachers and other adults more than to their parents. It’s the nature of being young I think. 🙂 However, self-defense classes when young help kids be more confident, partially because they know how to handle all sorts of situations like the one that happened to your daughter. But it also helps build confidence and self awareness.

    Most classes aren’t too expensive and sometimes a few months of classes can make a world of difference and give them a confidence that will stay with them for years to come.

    Just my two cents.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. So, what happened? Did the boys stop or did she have to kick them? You’re right, boys acting that way is a learned behavior, which is so sad. I taught my son from a very young ago to not touch people without their permission. As he is now a pte-teen that lesson has morphed into “do not touch girls without permission”.
    I refuse for my son to be an ass!

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  3. My daughter was bullied by two other children at school. I told her to tell the teacher, and just leave the area. Take it once, take it twice then hit them twice as hard as you can the next time. Result? They never touch you again. She got i to troublemfor doing that the first time but never again , as I explained to the principal tha she was acting under my direction. That got results. Unfortunately. Sometimes you have to turn the other cheek with a big fist.

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  4. Did you contact the school to discuss this inappropriate touching? These boys should be immediately stopped and counseled to stop that behavior before it progresses. And it will progress – against your daughter and other girls.

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  5. I think you’re an awesome parent. I wish every parent told their daughters that they, and only they, are in charge of who touches their bodies. I wish someone had taught me that. Parents of sons have to do better.

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  6. Absolutely mama bear. That is so much the wrong message to send our boys that it’s ok to touch someone boy or girl especially when they’ve already told you no. Is that equivalent to baby sex assault. I think yes it is. So you go mama bear and all the mama bears out there teach your kids to stand up for themselves.

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  7. Your article hit a nerve in me. No one has the right to touch another person without their consent, which is why I was so upset when my five year old son told me about ‘privates’ a few days ago. After some quick and not so meditative breathing I asked what he meant. He tried to smile but mommy didn’t have her smile face on. He quickly explained that a penise and vagina shouldn’t be touched by others. Humm… it is exactly this teaching that leads to children being assaulted in other ways. I quietly explained to my son that every part of his body is private. Period.

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  8. I’d go easy on escalating the physical/violent part. I was in 4th grade and a girl was playing football (tackle) with us on the school sports field at recess. I tackled her (she weighed 25lbs less) and she hit the ground hard. She proceeded to get up and follow me then kick me in the privates. I was enraged and flung her on the ground so hard that she broke her wrist. Of course, I got suspended from school and it took me years to overcome the bully reputation. So, let’s be very clear when it’s appropriate to resort to dick kicking. It’s the most painful thing you can do to a boy.

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  9. I am a grown woman who was bullied her entire young life and I can tell you that the longer it goes on, the more intense it can get. It’s taken me decades to understand it and get past it. In my opinion, “bullying” is a nicer word for physical, verbal and emotional abuse; even if the perpetrator is a child. My perpetrator was a male child three years older than me. He was also much taller and physically and verbally stronger than me. I fought back but I was no match. He warned me that if I did; I would be hit back two and three times as hard. He was good on his promise. Bystanders looked the other way or just figured “Kids will be kids.” Not so. If this were done to an adult; it would be considered assault and possibly a restraining order could be requested. So, why is it not more important to protect children? Why is it overlooked because they are children? Someone should intervene or be supervising when children like this are alone together. (Perhaps you could consider it a teachable moment to show the perpetrator consequences for their actions while teaching them a better way to interact.) What’s the answer to bullying? Might I suggest… 1. An awareness that bullies pick on those weaker than themselves; so it is not a fair fight. 2. Bystanders need to speak up and know that Intervening can make all the difference. This includes parents, aunts, uncles, cousins, adult family friends, teachers, neighbours, bus drivers, acquaintances, and other children on the playground…anyone. 3. An awareness that the bully can also be a sibling and live in the child’s home where they are supposed to feel safe. Parents need to be aware when sibling rivalry crosses the line into sibling abuse. If they are bullies on the playground; they may have been bullies at home first. 4. Raise your sons and daughters to respect the rights of others. Fathers and mothers need to teach them how to behave and model good behaviour for them.to see. Afterall, bullies are likely kids who have had the misfortune of a poor role model somewhere in their life and the belief that it’s their right to take from and mistreat people who are weaker than them. I suggest checking out Barbara Coloroso’s book “The Bully, the bullied and the not-so-innocent bystander” and also John V. Caffaro’s book, “Sibling Abuse Trauma: Assessment and Intervention Strategies for Children, Families and Adults”.
    .

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  10. This happened to my daughter when she was about 8 or 9. I gave her permission to handle the situation in the same way. Then, I went to school and explained the situation to the teacher, and asked if I could speak with the two boys in the hallway. The last thing I did was call both of their mother’s. We never had any problems after that.

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  11. My comment will be short and straightforward:

    Your daughter is six and these boys are bullying and quite literally physically molesting her?

    They are way wrong and way out of line.

    Sounds like she already told the teacher and did everything correctly to let them know it’s NOT OKAY to treat her like that.

    I say, those little terrors have already been given plenty of advance warning.

    Their teachers and principals should already be addressing this is issue with the boys’ parents.

    If they are not, and the same thing happens again?

    Tell her to skip ahead right to the part where she turns around and kicks all of them right in the nuts as hard as she can.

    They’ve had more than plenty of advance notice their behaviour is Not Okay. They all deserve swift kicks right in the nuts.

    Liked by 4 people

  12. I here for all of it. Taught my step-daughter self defense in our unfinished basement, and the knee to the ground was part of the lesson. I also would teach them about parking lots and movie theatres fire exits, and about how panicking in a crowd could get you killed. My husband always said, “you’re scaring them!” Well, a few years ago when she was at Stevenson University, MD, a shooter was loose on the campus. She found herself in a classroom with a group of panicked kids. After the ordeal she called and said, “Mackie! I remembered everything you taught me. I took charge and began piling all the chairs and desks behind the door to make it harder for him to get in.” Boys are taught to protect themselves. Girls are taught to grin and bear it. I teach the girls in my life to wipe the smiles of those grinning faces.

    Liked by 1 person

  13. I would have reacted exactly as you did, Mandi – your advice to your daughter is spot on. And you know what? If the bullies get a swift kick in the groin, they are getting off easy. They should learn right now that their behavior is unacceptable.

    Liked by 2 people

  14. Instead of telling your 6 year old to resort to violence (she has told the teachers) and nothing is deterring these boys. So what’s the answer? Speak to the boy and his parents. Stop the harassment with words, mind you, use strong words. Violence will just bring on more violence especially if the boys experience this at home. The parents need to know this is not acceptable.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I spoke to the teachers and the principal myself. My daughter didn’t explain that she was groped, merely that she was being bothered. Once the teacher heard the extent of the issue, she met with the other first grade teachers and dealt with the boys. My daughter never had to resort to “violence” or self defense, thankfully.

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  15. Really a good advice to your daughter. I think that the way to becoming a sexual offender starts already in primary school. So an instantaneous feedback from the girls is vital to stop this development. Would you agree if I translate your story into spanish and use all the photos from your page here?

    Liked by 1 person

  16. spot on. and more spot on for involving the teachers and the principal. my daughter is a senior and she has had permission to get physical with anyone not respecting her boundaries since she knew how to say no, tell the adult in charge, file complaints, etc. and she has. and we have, as parents, supported her and gotten involved with the appropriate parents/adults in charge ourselves. sometimes it works to deter the inappropriate shit. sometimes the adults in charge are shit themselves and that in itself is a life lesson and motivating force to not back down. and furthermore my son, who is older than my daughter, is a champion himself of proper boundaries. because he himself has been a victim of inappropriate boundary threats from both girls and boys, and he won’t have any of it. he’s been mocked for it in every conceivable way because his large intimidating frame doesn’t fit the narrative of a “real man” many times…but he revels in modeling the way a dude should stand up for the wronged. you gotta teach kids how to be adults.

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  17. Maybe somebody else already said it, but why is the mom putting her daughter back on the playground so the bullies can grope her AGAIN? I worked for 10 years in a public school office. Mom should have gone straight to the school with her husband, and should have requested a meeting with the teacher and the principal to inform them that this behavior stopped “yesterday”, and any further such behavior would be dealt with by informing the school board and an attorney. It’s sexual assault. Schools do not like negative publicity. Then make it stick. If you don’t, consider the consequences.

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    • I am the mom, and I discussed the incident the next morning with her teacher and principal. They took care of it immediately. My children’s school is wonderful, and I would not have put my child in a situation where I thought she could be harmed.

      Having said that, I still believe it’s important that I told her what I did because it might happen again with another kid. Parents cannot always fight their children’s battles, so she must be armed with her own defense when I am not there.

      Like

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