True Story…

According to my husband and my best friend (of thirty years), I’m a really good liar. I’m not sure that’s necessarily a good thing, but it works well for me. I love to tell people outrageous stories and lure them into my web of lies, watching their eyes grow, their heads nod, that sharp intake of breath when they begin to trust my tale only to turn around and say, “No, I’m just kidding,” with a completely straight face.

Several years ago, back before I became a domestic goddess, I used to work with a girl who was extremely…er…let’s just call her obtuse.  One Friday afternoon, as we celebrated a particularly profitable week which would result in fatty bonus checks,  she said, “This is phenomenal.”

I looked at her (straight faced of  course) and said, “You mean Penomenal.” Pronounced with a (p) not a (f) sound.

She said, “No, phenomenal.” Because part of her knew she was right. But I kept on, making up a fake grammar rule and going into great detail with her.

She was convinced, and to this day, I feel quite certain, she says, “Penomenal.” I forgot to tell her the truth. That’s where it becomes a pet peeve to aforementioned husband and best friend. I do this a lot, forget to tell the truth.

I’m penomenal at lying.

Call it a talent. Or not. I enjoy my little spark of fib, so since we’re friends here and some of you know very little about me, today I offer you my version of five truths and a lie. I stole this from Beth.  Click on her red name and go spend some time with a(nother) really funny hot blonde from Texas (after you finish reading this.)

Here you are…you decide:

1.  Aside from a few scratch off lottery tickets, which total to about $9.00, I’ve only ever won one thing:  A year supply of tuna fish.

tuna fish

2.  I am severely afraid of needles, which is why I have no tattoos.

3.  One of the many jobs I held in order to pay for my education was Toe Tagger. (That’s right…for dead people)

toe tag

4. My first love grew up and became a gay stripper.

5. I’ve had over 100 stitches…in my face.

6. I once was the keyboardist for a band.

So, which one is fiction? You be the judge. Answer in the comments, and some time between now and who knows when, I’ll come back and tell you the truth…or will I?

 

 

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87 thoughts on “True Story…

  1. I’m so excited you did this post!!!! These are SO fun! I’ve even thought about doing another one.

    Ok, I genuinely don’t know the answer (altho a few of these I know to be true), so my guess is the toe-tagger one. Can’t wait for the reveal!

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    • This is fun..but that’s because I love to tell lies. Hmmm..I figured you knew a few of these. We’ll see of you’re right. (why is my picture not showing up anymore? it’s annoying.)

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  2. I don’t think you’re skeert of needles. That or the band one…that sounds almost *too* neat, but I want that one to be true.

    Or you’re being a tricksy double-bluffer and only had 80 stitches or something.

    Are any of these half-truthes? Should I ever trust you again?

    (Fun with silly co-workers is mean but hilarious)

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      • I remember when we got new personal alarms (part of our lone-worker policy) and one of my colleagues (my mentor, in fact) was stressing in case she managed to pull the pin on it and it fell somewhere, like down a drain, and she couldn’t shut it off – this after we’d just pulled the pins to see how loud they were (INCREDIBLY) – and I wound her up, suggesting what if a SEAGULL came and took the whooping alarm up on a ROOF – what would she do THEN!?!?!

        She looked horrified at the thought and talked about it for five minutes.

        As if a seagull would ever go NEAR the damn thing when it was going off. OR fly off with it…cos yeah… o.O

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  3. This is California. We dont like liars.
    my vote is for the gay stripper. What else are you lying about? Are we even friends? Is your name really Celly? What if you are really a guy and I think I am friends with a woman…..Um did I mention I have trust issues?

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      • The other night when I did my last blog I swear I was going to write a list of things that were true about me and lie about some and have people guess. Kinda like a way for someone to get to know me….And then you did it. Stole my idea. Did I actually already tell you that? I dont remember.

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      • You have to write one. They’re tons of fun and a great way to engage with people who read your blog. Do it!!! I borrowed it from someone who borrowed it from someone else.

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  4. These are a ton of fun and I do remember Beth’s post. I’m going to borrow this idea for one of my own someday 🙂 I’ve eliminated two of the five here. I’m tempted by two others. Alas, I’m going to go with you winning the tuna fish, Mandi 🙂

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  5. Oh, you are PENOMENAL! Which to choose?! But either way, they might all need to be a post.
    (100 stitches in your face? You’re too naturally gorgeous to believe otherwise.)

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    • Thank you! You are penomenal, too, and like I said in an earlier comment, that picture is very little, but I’m glad I have you fooled. We’ll see if you’re right.

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  6. A toe tagger?? Really? I just cannot see you doing that in college. No way! I guess I will go with toe tagger as the lie. Or maybe the keyboardist, no we’ll stick with toe tagger. Liar liar pants on fire!

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  7. Okay, if I was the one you lied to about “penomenal”, I would have gotten into such an argument with you!
    And then I would have doubted myself for a minute.
    And then I’d be right back at cha with steam pouring from my nostrils: “IT’S PRONOUNCED FUH-AS-IN-UCKING-NOMENAL AND YOU CANNOT TAKE THAT AWAY FROM MEEEEE…”

    And I’m gonna go with 100 stitches in your face being the lie because I don’t see no scars on that visage, friend. And the other things are juuuuust crazy enough for them to actually be true!

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    • I love this: “It’s pronounced fuh-as-in-uking-nomenal.” I wish she had argued with me. That would have been so much more fun! I will tell you soon if you guessed right.

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  8. But what if you’re lying about being a phenomenal liar (which would make you a penomenal liar because as everyone knows penomenal is the opposite of phenomenal or at least it has been since Plato used it in one of his classes and Socrates started using it in all his dissertations from then on)…anyhoo, if you’re lying about lying then that would mean your truths are lies leaving only one lie which is the truth which I reckon is Tuna! I gotta go lie down now…sheesh!

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  9. I am going with toe-tagger, I am at a disadvantage because they might do things differently in the US, but here in OZ they generally use hospital wristbands and the ones that put them on are the coroner or medical officer at the scene of death or representatives from the Funeral home when they come to transfer the body in which case you would need to be a body courier for a Mortician rather than just a toe-tagger. I believe that toe-tagging is part and parcel of a bigger role (such as coroner) rather than a role of its own.
    If I am wrong I am still totally proud of my penomenal argument 😛

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  10. It’s unfair for me to guess in the comments here because I’m certain I know the truth. I WILL say, however, that I have been the victim of your storytelling talents more times than I care to admit. It’s your own brand of funny – just when I think I know something… BAM… you chime in with, “oh, (cocked head/innocent smile) did I forget to tell you I was just kidding?” Tee hee. Never a dull moment, sharing a lifetime with you, AGC! (I’ll text you my guess, and we can discuss it over coffee in the morning).

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  11. I’m going for the keyboardist for a band – because it is practically mundane next to the others, so I think you are trying to trick us into thinking that one is normal and therefore must be true (and it’s NOT)

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    • I am loving how so many people are picking up on the word penomenal. It’s the new thing. We should make it explode. I’ll let you know as soon as I have time to write the follow up. Might be next year…or am I lying?

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  12. Hi Mandi: So, so sorry we’ve been ghosts as of late. We’ve been off our computers working on our book for 2 months. We miss our blogging buds, like you so much. But we’re reaching an end & soon will be regular bloggers again. lol 😉 Now, about this post….I absolutely luv this!! This almost makes lying fun; like a game! lmao 😉 I will say this though, as a writer (you & I) we get paid to lie!! And unless you’re a really good liar, you won’t make a damn thing doing it. The greatest lie ever told to girls, “Once Upon A Time. / & / Happily Ever After.” Okay, so we drank it in & demanded more!! And what we’re basically saying is: Lie to me, tell me there’s Prince Charming around the corner ready to sweep me off my feet, slay the dragon & take me to his castle. But, isn’t that lie much nicer than the truth!!! As for me, I’m sticking with the lies. Far more fun, far more exciting, far more romantic!!! By the way…Penomenal fu**ing post!!!! lmFao!!!! And my guess is: Keyboard player for a band!!! Can’t wait to find out!!

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    • Brilliant post. I read from my bed first thing this morning and haven’t had a chance to get back to comment. I shared on Facebook though. Thank you so much. To be highlighted by such a dynamic duo is more than a compliment to me, to us. You two are awesome.

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  13. I’ve done this kind of post twice, and I always have trouble coming up with the lie. I’m a horrible liar and equally horrible at detecting lies. Still, I will guess that #1 is the lie. And if it’s not, I’m sorry you were saddled with a crapload of tuna fish.

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    • I think the tuna is in the lead here. If I’m ever allowed more than 2 minutes at a time on my computer, I will write the follow up. Probably Monday…we’ll see.

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    • Sandy, of course I wasn’t lying about all of the nice things I say. You should know this because I’m not the only one who says it, but for example, if I told you there was an almond shortage and that you needed to stalk up on them if they were a particular enjoyable snack, then you could accuse me of lying because I’ve used that one before. Actually, anytime a conversation starts to get heated between me and someone else, I usually change the subject with: “Did you know there’s an almond shortage?” It always makes people stop, think, and then answer, thus ending the argument they were about to lose anyway.

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  14. Oddly enough, I have too many similar truths in my own life. LOL. So I have to go with the keyboard player in a band as the lie. Although…if a person really needed 100 stitches in their head, wouldn’t they just bring out the staples? Who has the patience for that?! Clearly one penomenal stitcher-upper.

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  15. FINALLY got around to reading this! I love it! I have no idea which one is the lie. I’m kind of gullible but not in a penomenal kind of way. I’m also horrible at lying. Except to my kids, which I do all the time. There’s always the lie to save a battle or to get them to do something. But I loooovveee to mess with their heads. For years I had them convinced that I was a famous pop star in Europe. And it’s even more funny because I have the worst singing voice ever. I lie to them about silly things so much that when I was pregnant my older daughter didn’t believe me when I told her about breastfeeding. She thought I made the whole concept up…

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    • That’s awesome about your lying to your children. I do the same. You have to. You should have been a famous pop singer in Europe. I could have been your keyboardist.

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  16. No matter which one proves to be the lie (and I haven’t read that post yet), you’ve picked some fascinating facts about yourself. I think the gay stripper is the lie, not the tuna, like some here think. Winning canned tuna for a year is totally believable!

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