Leapin’ Lizards

“Mo-om!” My three year old daughter called from the bathroom. I slowly shuffled to where she was brewing with excitement with what awaited me. I helped her get herself in order. Then I washed my hands, dried them, and started heading out into the small hallway by my bedroom. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed movement in my bedroom. I quickly completed a status check in my head. It took me about half a second to realize son and dog upstairs, husband in his office, daughter and I in the doorway of the downstairs bathroom, but something moved in my bedroom.

I turned my head quickly and held my hand flat against my daughter’s chest to keep her in the bathroom. Just then, I saw a tail. A long black tail. I may have squealed like a little girl, or maybe it was my daughter, but I stood still in the doorway of the little bathroom daring not to venture into my room and discover what body belonged to that tail.

I yelled to my husband, “Something is in our bedroom.” He mumbled something inaudible over the clicking of his computer keyboard. I yelled again, “I said something is in our bedroom.”

Still nothing from my husband. Meanwhile, I looked down at my daughter to find her shorts still hugging her ankles. I leaned over and pulled up her shorts, and it moved again, only this time it darted across my off white carpet. A black body slivering against my floor.

“J!” I shouted to my husband who still had yet to come out of his office and investigate what sort of intruder had taken residence in my bedroom. His lack of concern was an issue. “Aren’t you a man?” I yelled again. I heard the creak of his chair and then I saw the entire body of the beast.

“It’s a lizard,” I yelled, still perched in place.

“J!!!” I screamed.

“I don’t do lizards,” he calmly said to my back.

“WTF you don’t do lizards? I don’t do lizards…in my bedroom!!!”

“Dude,” he said again calmly, “What are you going to do?”

“What am I going to do? There’s a giant lizard in my bedroom, and you have a penis. What are you going to do?”

“Mom said penis,” Daughter giggled.

“Dude, I don’t do lizards,” he said with his hands up in surrender and started backing toward his office.

Just then, I saw the lizard dart across my room again and head under my dresser. I screamed. I can’t lie. I squealed again, which made my daughter squeal. Clearly, I was going to have to take action against this reptile.

“Get me something,” I said to my wife.

“What?” My wife responded.

“Something that I can trap him in so that I can take him outside.”

“Why aren’t you going to kill it?” He asked.

“Because he’s as scared as you are. I’m going to put him outside, but first I need you to get me something so that I can keep my eye on him before he hides under our bed and jumps into your mouth tonight to shut you up when you snore.”

He, my wife, headed to the kitchen.

I slowly crept into my room and got down on my hands and knees to see if I could see him under my dresser.

“Here,” Wifey said, but not with his usual calm, which made me scream again thus making the lizard take flight from beneath my dresser toward my face. I jumped to my feet and watched the well fed lizard run across my room toward my chair that sits in the corner. Perfect, I thought. I can corner him and then trap him so that I can release him into the wild where he can feast on all the bugs his giant gluttonous lizard heart desires.

I looked to the floor where my wife had set this:

Pyrex makes great Lizard Traps

Pyrex makes great Lizard Traps

By this time, my daughter had taken cover from the lizard upstairs with her brother, so I no longer had to hold my tongue.

“What the ever loving f*ck do you want me to do with that?”

“You said you wanted to trap it.”

“With my good glass bowl? Please get me something useful.”

I listened to my wife shuffling around in the kitchen as I watched the lizard from behind the protection of my bed. I slowly climbed up onto my bed and stared down at my nemesis. I swear I think he smiled at me and for a moment, I was the lizard whisperer until I realized why he was smiling. The next second, he hiked his little lizard leg up and shat on my floor.

Salamander Shit (actual size)

Salamander Shit (actual size)

I didn’t realize my husband, I mean my wife had returned to the room by this time. I yelled to the lizard, “Stop doing that.”

Then I heard a little girl scream and felt my bed shift. I looked over to see my husband, seeking protection from a lizard behind his 5’3″ 120ish pound wife. He’s 6’4″ and 200+ pounds of vagina.

His scream startled the lizard, making him  jump from his shatting and start up the wall. At this point, I decided I was going to have to grow my balls and just use my hands to catch the lizard. I crept to him, stealth like as he climbed,  light on this feet after taking a massive shit on my floor, up my bedroom wall. Then I clamped my fingers down on his fat little belly and ran out to my front yard. I may or not have screamed something explicit the entire way that starts with F. I threw him down into my flower garden and watched as he ran for shelter under some bushes.

Then I went inside and found my daughter and told her to go ask dad if he wanted to borrow her pink panties.

Some days, I’m really glad that I grew up with four brothers because I’m pretty sure I married the sister I never had.

Disclaimer: During my mad lizard hunt, I did not think to reach for my iPhone to capture a picture of said Salamander. You’ll just have to take my word on this. He was a big bastard.

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71 thoughts on “Leapin’ Lizards

  1. OMG I needed that laugh. Thank you! “200+ pounds of vagina” is brilliant.

    My ex and I had a clear delination in our house, not of creatures (he wasn’t 200 pounds of vagina) but I was on solids and he was on liquids. Kid poo? Me. Liquidy dog puke? Him. It worked out well until we debated whether the dog puke was liquid or solid. If it was gelatinous I really tried to get him to deal with it lest I add more liquid to the mix.

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    • My husband pretty much doesn’t do spiders, bugs, lizards, etc. I also clean up all poop, rather soft of hard, vomit, and anything else that is gross. Once when I was pregnant with my daughter, we went to a festival where I ate way too much greasy food. When we got home, my head and stomach were spinning, so he suggested that I go lie down. Twenty minutes later, I called for him because I started projectile vomiting, and I needed him to help me to the bathroom. He started into our bedroom, and when he saw what was happening, he yelled, “Stop!” and then ran out. I love him to death, but I’m not kidding when I say that he’s 200+ lbs of vagina.

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  2. You’re AMAZING! I’m so glad you blogged this 😀 Congrats on your brand new testicles. YOU DA MAN!

    (You know my thoughts on this…and to be fair, Husby would be just the same as me – we would have made him a little corner and caught bugs for him and hoped he would’ve stayed.)

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    • Apparently, I’m going to have to be “da man” in this house. I told my husband I was going to blog this, and he wasn’t so supportive. Lucky for me, he doesn’t read my blog.

      I love that you and Husby would have made a bed for the shatting salamander. You did read the part where he took a poo on my floor, right?

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      • Salamanders poop – so what? Clear it up! It’s fine 😀 We would love it and call it a silly name, like Cholmondley, and keep him for as long as he would stay.

        Your poor huz! You better hope he doesn’t read it – I suspect that 200lb of vagina could have one HELLUVA emotional reaction if it so chose….!

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  3. My son doesn’t do bugs (first I ever saw a boy NOT liking bugs!) and he will usually yell for me first! I have one advantage, I’m short so I can’t reach anything that is high on the wall or on the ceiling! Of course, I’m the “fixer” in the house too! I grew up an only child and was my dad’s shadow so I learned enough to handle most anything! Only thing I DON’T deal with is snakes! Spiders, not a problem, snakes, KILL. IT. NOW.

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    • Oh, M! I don’t do snakes either. I have a couple other blog posts I could write about snakes…Hmmmmm…now the wheels are turning. I love that you are short and can’t reach anything high, and we are too much alike because I am the “fixer” in my house, too. I’m telling you, I married my long lost sister.

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  4. Too funny. Why you married a man exactly like your best friend – I will never know. I guess you have a type: awesomely smart wimps who remain oddly calm in a crisis. I’m cracking up, and you know I need a good laugh. Thanks. I didn’t know this story… That’s quite a feat. I’d expect no less from the girl who, at the age of 10, trained circus grasshoppers to fly!

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  5. *gigglesnort*

    Yes, the mangina’s are amaze like that.

    I deal with all the creepy crawly’s at our house and friends houses too.

    Hope he enjoyed those pink panties 😉

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  6. “What the ever loving f*ck do you want me to do with that?” <– this right here! Fabulous! Exactly what I would have said! Of course I probably would have said I would deal with it then possibly (totally maybe by accident on purpose) dropped the lizard on the way out of the house and he would have unfortunately ran into said Wusband's office = his domain and not my problem anymore 😛

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    • You give great comment! I mean, I’m loving all of the comment love you’ve spread across my blog this week. I have big plans to pay a visit over to yours too and spread my own kind of love.

      Having said that, I never even thought of dropping it in his office, which is conveniently right by the front door. Why didn’t I think of that? Brilz!

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  7. Didn’t miss the photo you didn’t take because you painted quite the vivid picture! I try not to laugh at men-being-vaginas statements, because I’m supposed to think vaginas are just as fierce balls, but to be perfectly honest, I laughed all the way from “Aren’t you a man?” to “I’m pretty sure I married the sister I never had.”

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  8. This all sounds like some made up bullshit, everything from the part where you weight 120 pounds and your husband stood around watching you catch a lizard with a Pyrex bowl. No, it doesn’t add up. lol.

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  9. This had me in tears laughing. It’s so funny the different things we are afraid of and who will suck it up when you both are scared of the same thing. On a side note, I feel really dumb because it never occurred to me that lizards poop. I mean, why wouldn’t they? But still…..
    And I’ll end with that 🙂

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    • You know, I never really thought about whether or not lizards poop either, until I watched him do it on my floor. I actually though the was peeing until I saw the tiny lizard turd on the carpet. He’s lucky I didn’t hurt him. I don’t do poop on the floor of any kind.

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  10. hahahahahahaha I LOVE this post!!! Poor J and his mangina. How big was this thing that it pooped on your floor?! Kinda creepy. I adore that you put it outside with your bare hands. YES. *admires mandi’s big ‘n hairies*
    atta girl.

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    • Dude, he was a huge lizard, maybe the size of a small iguana. I have no idea how he got into my house, but it was a great lesson to the kids that they have to quit leaving our back door wide open when they come in and out from the pool. And the shit was the size of a grain of rice, but still…have you ever watched a lizard shit? I have! And he was laughing at me while he did it, that little fat bastard. I hope he’s feasting on all of those disgusting june bugs who find their death in the skimmer baskets of my pool.

      Thanks for the admiration. *adjusts her big ‘n hairies*

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    • There’s a lot of things NOT on his manly list. Maybe I need to have him write the list just so I can see what is actually on it. Glad I could give you a snicker…and now you probably want one of those, too. I hear they really satisfy.

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  11. Wow. I love how in this day of equality there are still man’s jobs and woman’s jobs. 😉

    That being said, he could have helped a bit more. He should have wanted that fucker out as badly as you did.

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  12. While this story was hilarious, you are perpetuating gender stereotypes here, Mandi. Why can’t females be the brave ones and males be the wimps? We give birth after all. They take a particularly difficult sh*t and whine about it!

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    • You are so right, Dana. All along, I’ve called myself a semi-feminist, when I maybe I’m a misogynist. What is wrong with me?

      But then if you look at the flip side, I am the muscles in the family, so I guess….GIRL POWER!

      I don’t know. Apparently, I’m a flip flop when it comes to this whole gender equality thing. Damn. I’m really disappointed in myself.

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  13. My husband won’t kill cockroaches. He says he lets me do it because it builds character. It’s not even that he’s scared. He just wants me to do it. I mutter explicit things under my breath too.

    Way to hike up your big girl panties and take care of it! Yea girl!

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  14. I’m so late to the party! This made me laugh out loud (thanks for that!) When I’m forced to deal with creepy crawlies, I also scream the entire time I’m handling the situation (perhaps “handling the situation” is too generous).

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  15. OMG this had me howling laughing, Mandi!!!! You just reminded me of a story to share on my blog in the future that I had forgot about until I read this. I keep giggling with tears of laughter already coming down my face at “wife” and “mom said penis”. Hun, this is so right out of a movie!! And just FYI I wear the same panties your wife does when I comes to reptiles and spiders! One of the walks that Phoenix and I go on is a path that is like an interstate freeway of reptiles and squirrels. Phoenix is always on leash attached to me because of rattlesnakes. But, I swear he “talks” to the lizards who will just stay on the path and Phoenix will come to within inches of them and say, “Wuz up little dude?” I’m going to giggle the rest of our day at “Mom said penis…” LOLOL!!! 🙂

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  16. Okay- that was the BEST story I have ever read!!! You are ROCKING THE BALLS and your wife is clearly in need of gender transformation surgery. Oh you are SO HILARIOUS!!! And how I now believe you are my hero from this day on… will you please come kill the spider on my wall?

    Lizzi’s post was beautiful about you. You are not only my hero, but now my new ‘hope to be’ friend. I hate to miss out on a good thing!! And clearly you are that and more… 🙂

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  17. I can’t believe you caught it with your hands… I mean… I’m not too afraid of lizards (mice are another story– YUCK) but I wouldn’t be touching them with my hands, noooo way.

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  18. hahah My husband is 200+ pounds of vagina as well and this was awesome!!! Gross, though. I’d have thought about burning the house down.

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