Aside

Horseshoes and Hand Grenades

She paces back and forth in her bathroom in nothing but a sexy bra and panty set, heart pounding in her chest.  Just do it. She tells herself, taking a quick peek at her reflection in the mirror.  Not bad.  She adjusts her bra for the 27th time.  Just do it. She silently says again, taking a deep breath.  She walks into her bedroom, picks it up off her nightstand and holds it out in front of her at arms length.

Click.  She looks at the photo.  Ick no.  She shakes her head and ruffles her hair, pulling it over her near naked shoulder.  Blonde hair splays across her chest.   She stretches her arm out again, holding it a little bit higher than the last time.

Click.  She tilts her head.  Click.  She looks up.  Click.  She looks down.  Click.  She looks to the side.  Click.  This time straight at the camera, pouty lips.

She holds her phone close to her face  and goes through the camera roll.  Delete.  Delete.  Delete.  Delete.  Delete.

She growls and throws her phone on her bed.  Why is this so hard?  He’s your husband.  He’s seen it ALL before. 

Deep breaths, back to the phone.  Click Click Click Click Click.

Camera roll. Sigh.  Okay, that one’s not so bad.  She bites her lip and stares at the photo for few more minutes finding every single possible flaw, anxiety billowing deep in her belly.

Ding dong…ding dong…ding dong.  She drops the phone when she hears her best friend, Kimberly’s, signature ring.  Then she laughs and picks it up answering with a chuckle.

“Hello.”

“Hey.  What are you doing?”

“Taking sexy selfies of myself, ” she says holding the phone with her shoulder as she pulls on her jeans.

Kimberly lets out a breathy laugh.  “Why?”

“To send to Huz.” She puts her arms through her shirt and pulls it over her head.

“Send it to me.”

“Dude, no way.  I can’t even look at them.  I’ve taken at least 30 pictures.  One is just okay. ”

They talk for 30 minutes about 247 different subjects, their typical daily chat that takes place every day during Kimberly’s commute home from work.

“Okay, I’m here at the daycare.  Talk to you tomorrow.  Oh, and send me that picture.  I’ll tell you if you should send it.”

“Okay, whatever.  Bye.”

She waits the 20 minutes it should take Kimberly to get home before she hits “Send” along with the message, “You better fuggin delete this.”

Nothing.

Another text.

No response.

Then she paces back and forth, stomach twisted in knots, and waits for her alleged “best friend” to respond with…anything.

She convinces herself it’s terrible and decides not to send it.

Then she hears the ding on her phone.

Kimberly text

 

She responds with a sigh of relief.  Huz leaves for the store, so she decides it’s the perfect time to send it to him.

Send. Sigh.  Done.  Wait.

Tic toc.  Tic toc.  Tic toc.

Huz comes home, says nothing.   She waits until the kids are in bed and says, “Did you get my text?”  He smiles a half smile  “Yeah.  Why did you send that?”

“Really?”

She looks at him, rolls her eyes, and walks into her room.  If he only knew.  Later he says, “I like it.”  Too little.  Too late.  Not good enough.  She grabs his phone and deletes it after already deleting it from her phone and vows to never ever take a sexy selfie again.

Remember children, “Naked selfies almost always work.”

But almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades.

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73 thoughts on “Horseshoes and Hand Grenades

  1. Such a funny story hahah. See what you don’t realize is that taking a sexy selfie is not just to try and get you some ass, it’s actually a self esteem building technic. Ok so the first time was awkward. Big whoop. You weren’t scared of what he would say or think. Let’s face it. He has seen you in every which way before. You were more scared of the act of doing it because it was out if your comfort zone. You just got bamboozled. It was all a trick to make you aware of what you already have. You’re welcome.

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    • But yet you’re still 0-2 or maybe with the MP 1-2. Hey – I am not a quitter, so I’ll keep trying. Thanks for “tricking” me into this. Yes – outside of my comfort zone for sure, but I’ve heard that “the magic happens outside of your comfort zone.” I will never ever ever ever do it again though. I’ll leave sexy selfies to all of the single hotties out there! (BTW – he liked the hair pic.)

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  2. OMG, you did it! Good for you, Mandi! Despite the right, wrong, indifferent, yes absolutely, no way in heck debate to (adults) taking selfies and sending them – I was thrilled a couple of times a girlfriend did that for me. One, because yep it was a turn-on. And two, most of all, she trusted me and our relationship that deeply. As I said before they were never needed or required but they were a great little moment of spice! So, you tried it and while it sounds like you didn’t get the desired response at least you know now! Totally awesome post title for the content too, our friend 🙂

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  3. Why do I always get notification of your new posts when I’m about to go in the grocery store? Every. Time.
    Okay, but this isn’t about me and the grocery store. This is about you and OMG, you are much braver than I!! Kudos for sending it. Sorry he wasn’t throwin’ you against the table, ripping your clothes off (like I would have) but….eh…..that’s his loss. If I got a half-nude selfie from a chick that looks like Naomi Watts….it’d be ON.

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  4. Not to the writing. Or the storytelling. Or the wonderful friend in Kimberly. Or that YES! you took the bull by the horns (ironic, oops! Not so much, perhaps) and DID IT.

    But to the outcome. And to that feeling. It echoes, and I feel it, and I’m sorry.

    And if I was there, he’d be looking at the wrong end of a VERYHUGEENORMOUSGIGANTIC hissy fit. And then I’d take you out and get drunk with you, til it didn’t matter any more.

    *hugs*

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    • The good news is he made up for it over the weekend and made me feel like the most wanted and beautiful girl on earth. I realized, just as we discussed, naked selfies are just not our thing. Togetherness and laughter are. Thanks though. I’m always down to get drunk until it doesn’t matter anymore…as long as we’re not driving.

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      • Hissy fit at bay for now. And GOOD! Now I feel a little lighter, and SO HAPPY FOR YOU (see? toldja I brought too much of my own shit to this). *exhale*

        And no to drunk driving, but yes to drinking with you any time 🙂 Got space in 18 months?

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      • So funny – so unedited. I can picture you neurotically and unnecessarily retaking the exact same photo thousands of times only to select the first shot. I really DID accidentally have my phone on silent. You know I would never leave you hangin’ /out there/ like that! You deserved the slight fear, though, after all of the times you played jokes on me when we were kids and conveniently forgot to tell me you were joking. Karma’s a naked selfie bitch. Seriously, though, thanks for trusting me to be your pre-husband reviewer. If he would just ask me, I could tell him exactly what you’re thinking… Will they never learn?!?

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      • “Karma’s a naked selfie bitch.” I love it!!! He will never learn, Kimberly. But this you know. I forgot that I used to forget to tell you about the jokes. I was awesome and hilarious even then!!! 🙂

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  5. I would be so afraid of accidentally sending the pic to someone else by mistake. And my husband would react in the same way. Putzes. You can send me a selfie anytime, Mandi – but you can keep your clothes on 😉

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    • Thanks, Dana. Putz – now that’s a word that thoroughly describes Huz in this situation. And I didn’t even think of accidentally sending it to the wrong person..I’m not very smart when I’m in my underwear taking pictures of myself. 🙂

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  6. No way my wife would do it unless maybe it was my birthday. Even then, idk. Good for you for doing it. It’s pretty hot and as someone said earlier hits the spot when you know she’d only do that for you.

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  7. Haha. Men. I am convinced that after we’ve been with them for a few years and they’ve seen us in so many ways (not to mention the countless time you’ve done the mattress mambo) they sort of immune to us doing something sexy. My husband is the same way. I bought a nice new bra that is red, lacy, and shows cleavage. All he did was nod and say, “That’s nice.” Thanks, hon. Jackass.

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  8. I could never do the naked selfie pic either!! I don’t have a smartphone so I have to take pic then review!! I have tried and given up in frustration! I am also paranoid about sending to the wrong person so I think I’ll keep my naked selfie self in the bedroom! Much safer that way!!

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    • Hey!!! Thanks for coming over to my blog naked selfie party!! Oh, my – I didn’t even think about accidentally sending it to the wrong person. Clearly, because I sent it out there…twice. *facepalm* I’m a moron. I will never ever do it again. Scouts honor. I was never a scout, by the way.

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  9. I joined Instagram yesterday and have now been convinced. . .47 some pictures later. . .that I don’t have the necessary app to take a good looking selfie. I’m not an unattractive person, but it seems with my arm extended and tapping the screen, I transform into something that could possibly be used to frighten small rodents out of the Cheerio’s. I don’t even want to think about trying to pull off a sexy one for the husband.

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    • Laura, I’m convinced my phone hates me and chooses to show every wrinkle and flaw on my face. A friend of mine actually sent me a tutorial on taking selfies. I’ll see if I can find it and send it to you. For the record, she sent to me AFTER this experience, which has left me angry at everything selfie.

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      • I definitely need that tutorial. I sit back and think, “I modeled for a short period of time. People liked to take my picture.” Then I look at another selfie and am convinced that every person I modeled for must have been drunk.

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      • You’re probably just too hard on yourself. I wrote a paper in the third grade that proclaimed I would be a model when I grew up…but my grown up self only grew to 5’3″, so needless to say, that never happened. Oh, and I didn’t grow out of that weird awkward stage until…well, I’m still kind of awkward. So what I’m trying to say is that, I’m sure your selfies are much better than you think they are. You can send them to Kimberly if you want. She’s super honest but not so good with quick feedback. 😉

        Here’s the tutorial. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vbqIQcKNE7E

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      • Thanks for the link! And nah. I only got chosen for a model because they needed a “tattooed girl to make them look diverse”. Yeah. That’s me. The epitome of diversity. -facedesk-

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  10. Hahaha! Men are so useless with selfies! I think it’s a universal thing and the ripping your clothes off and having wild shinnigans only happens in mills & boon novels.

    I try with the sexy selfies but then have the problem of not being able to look at the picture on my phone either and delete everything.

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  11. Men are strange creatures, aren’t they? I think it’s cool you took the time and had the guts to take them. I’m guessing his lack of enthusiasm is based on the fact that he thinks you’re a goddess WITHOUT the naked selfies. My husband does too (me…not you :)) but he’s still flip if I sent him naked selfies….because he’s a total perv.

    XX

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    • Sandy,
      That’s exactly what he said, that I don’t even need to try, but still. I’m always game for trying new things, but I’m also not ok with failing, and this one made me feel a little too much like I failed. At any rate, I think you should do it. Catch your hubby off guard and see what happens!!

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    • Thanks, Kate. Not to toot my own horn, but it wasn’t half bad. He’s just clueless, and if I had told him the day before, “Hey, dude. I’m going to take a sexy selfie and send it to you. Make sure you say something about it.” I’m sure he’d have made a big deal. He’s not so good with hints. I kind of need to draw him a map for pretty much everything.

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  12. Well big kudos to you for doing it! Husband was clueless unfortunately and I’m happy you guys had a great weekend. I think you should have kept the selfies for you though. You can look at them whenever you need to remind yourself how hot you are. 😉

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  13. Hahahaha! I was giggling like a maniac at the phone conversation! I love that you sent your sexy selfie to your friend HAHAHA that’s trust right there.
    Silly Huz. *shakes head*
    I don’t think you should abandon ship just yet. Perhaps you need to make it a little more… you know…. weird 😉
    Buahahaha

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      • Hahaha well… I’m not sure I realized just HOW weird they could get until one of my (female) coworkers was like “is this a photo of you with a houseplant sticking out of your hooha?” I had to show it to her after that, just to prove that um, NO. There were not any ferns in my orifices.

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      • Aussa, I keep getting these pictures in my head…first something of the spread eagle nature and next plants in orifices. And my mind is plenty…um…FUBAR enough without your help!! 🙂 No ferns in orifices…ever.

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  14. I love getting naked selfies. And I have sent a few. But generally not naked, just sexy. At this point, I have a nice collection on my phone. Good for you for attempting something new. Even if it didn’t work out the way you wanted.

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    • I have heard of the song but have not heard the song. *googles selfie song* Ok I’m back. I thought I’d hate the gawd-awful selfie song, but not gonna lie. I love it. Anything that makes fun of the self righteous biatches who post 27 selfies in 14 minutes has my vote!!!

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  15. This is the first post I’ve read of yours, and I have to say, I kind of love it! Besides how funny you are, and how truthfully you capture the whole behind-the-scenes of the Sexy Selfie, I really dig how rhythmic the piece is. Wow. That may the first time I ever used “dig” when it didn’t involve a shovel.

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  16. Your voice is so delightful that I’m careening through these posts at the speed of light. And yeah… there is definitely such a thing as too little, too late. When I make an effort, you better redneck-ognize! (Tell me you know about Honey Boo Boo.)

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  17. LOL I have convinced myself that they are totally sexy without my face in them. My huz could care less too. The trick to good selfies: If you are in a weird ass position and hold the phone at the strangest angle and then filter the heck out of it…you will have a piece of art that can no longer be called a selfie 🙂

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