Sex Dreams and Shit Prints

He brushes a curl out of his eye then leans down and kisses me, soft but sensual, sending electric bolts of desire through every inch of my body.  Stubble tickles my chin.  He pushes me to the bed, and I feel his weight on top of me.  We kiss again.  This time, hard and hungry. I wrap my fingers around his curly locks and pull him closer, arching my back.  Our faces are so close that our noses touch.  My eyes meet his.  Green with need, asking, begging.  I nod my consent.

He leans in a little more, takes a long, slow breath and says, “Mom.”

Wha?

“Mom,” he says again in my six year old son’s voice.

“MOM!”

No. No. No. No. No!!!!

“Mom.”  I close my eyes, envisioning him again to no avail.

“Mom.”

My blurry eyes try to make out the time.  I think it says 5:24…AM.

“What is it, baby?” I ask the dream sex interrupter.

“Have you seen the helmet that goes to my police officer?”

I want to scream, “Are you effing kidding me?  You just interrupted my sex dream with Adrian Grenier for a Lego, a tiny little centimeter sized helmet???” But he’s six, and I haven’t explained sex dreams and their importance to him, and his world revolves around Legos.

“Buddy,” I say as sweetly as my 5:24 awake self can, “It’s still night time,” because the 5 o’clock hour is still night time in this house, “Go back to bed.  Don’t turn on the lights, and don’t play with your Legos.”

“But mom..”

“No ‘but mom’.  GO!!”

I roll over, put my hand under my pillow, close my eyes, and summon the picture of my celebrity crush back to my mind.  I start to float in the softness of a sleep cloud willing the sex dream to reoccur when….BANG!  My bedroom door flies open and slams into the wall.

“Mommy.  Mommy.  Wah wah wah!!!” In nails on a chalkboard whine.

“What is it, baby?” I ask my 2 year old daughter while looking at the blurry clock again.  5:39.  Awesome.

“I’m all wet.” Oh dear God.  Please tell me this isn’t something involving a bodily function.

I reach out in the dark and pat her down.  Dry.  “You’re not wet, baby,” I say to her softly trying to keep her drama at bay.

“No, mommy, yook.  I’m all wet.  Yook.  See?”  She shoves her arm in my face.  I feel a trace of dampness on her sleeve.  Not even slightly wet.

“You’ll dry.  Come on.  Let’s get you back in bed.”  I sigh, hesitant to leave the warmth of my bed and sleepily walk up the stairs holding her hand.

We get to the top of the stairs when it hits me.

“What’s that smell,” I ask, already knowing the answer.   Then I feel it, cold and wet on the bottom of my bare foot.

I scream explicits in my head and tip toe to turn on the light avoiding getting anymore of what’s on my foot on the carpet.  The light confirms my suspicions illuminating a trail of child sized shit prints from my daughter’s room to the bathroom.

I take a deep breath, a deep cleansing breath.
I will not freak out. I will not freak out. I will not freak out.

I lift my foot into the bathroom sink and begin to scrub the shit off of it. “What happened here?” I ask my big blue eyed daughter who seems completely unhinged by the amount of shit everywhere.

“I pooped.”  Like it’s not all over the floor.

“How did it get all over the floor, baby?”  It’s not even 6:00 am.  I’m never getting back to the sex dream.

“I took my pull-up off.”  Ohmigod.  Ohmigod.  Ohmigod.  Deep breaths.  Picture a happy place.  There he is again.  He’s so so pretty, that Adrian.

I quickly assess the damage.  Said shitty pull-up sits in the middle of the floor taunting me, laughing at me, begging me to take it and toss it across the house, but I don’t have time because I still have a stream of shit prints to clean, and now with the lights on, a three year old who needs a bath.  Desperately.

I toss the child in the bathtub, filling the water with heavily scented baby wash. I run downstairs and throw on some pants, grab two towels and the carpet cleaner, and run back upstairs.  Daughter is happily singing “Let it Go” from Frozen in the bathtub.  I clean up the shit prints with a wet towel first.  Then I grab the carpet cleaner, and start to spray the prints.  “Foof,” says the empty bottle of carpet cleaner as I spray again and again.  I turn it upside down and try it that way.  “Foof,” it says again as nothing comes out.  I’m pretty sure, it’s laughing at me. I shake it.  “Foof.”

Dammit!!!!  Of all the times to run out of carpet cleaner.

By this time, the six year old is no longer pretending to be asleep in his room with the light on.  He comes out to see what’s going on, so I send him down to the laundry room to get my stain remover.  I mean, I have shit prints here, and no carpet cleaner.  I gotta do something.  He brings it to me.  I spray all of the prints, scrub the shit out of them…literally…soak the entire area in Gain scented Febreze , scrub my hands for 14 minutes, and then get my daughter out of her bath.

And we haven’t even had breakfast.

I coax my children to the kitchen, take out the Cheerios, and pour them each a bowl.  They’re happily arguing with each from across the table, so I sneak to my bathroom to brush my teeth and put on my uniform: yoga pants, sports bra, and tank top.  I make it back into the kitchen just in time to see my daughter reach up to the counter to grab the box of cereal with her slippery little hands.  Crash.  Cheerios everywhere.

Le’ sigh!

I scoop a handful from the floor and put them in her bowl. (Don’t judge.) As I’m getting the broom out to sweep up the remaining honey oats, my husband enters the room, completely oblivious to my morning struggle.  He stretches and yawns, letting out a huge groan (like he’s spent the last thirty minutes cleaning up shit prints).  Then he looks at me and says, “Can I have some coffee?”

“Get your own mother @#^&&%#@ @#^@ @#%^&* @#$$@@ ^#@#^ coffee!!!” I reply…calmly.

He looks at me like, what?  Then says, “What’s your problem?”

I answer under my breath…You’re not Adrian Grenier.

tired mom

Can I go back to bed? Please?

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52 thoughts on “Sex Dreams and Shit Prints

  1. DANG. I don’t even know where to start. Well, let’s start with the sex dream. I need more dreams like THAT. YUM. And omgshitprints. That sucks ass. Fucking LEGOS. As if there wasn’t enough animosity for them….now this. Worst morning ever. Unless you wanna talk about vomit. Trust me. You don’t. Shit prints at 5:30am are pretty awful. Especially if they interrupt sex with Adrian Grenier. *sigh*

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    • I know. Terrible morning, but great dream. Too great of a dream to get interrupted. Sadly, I left out some parts of the morning, like how she tried to use toothpaste to clean up her floor, so there was that, too. Sometimes I wonder if they get up early and stage this shit just to mess with me. “haha…let’s see if we can make mom lost her ever loving mind….hehehe.” They’re out to get me. I’m convinced….

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  2. That was awesome. What amazes me is that the hubs slept through all of that. I thought for sure he was out of town. Wow a perfect storm, comedy of errors and an all around cluster fuck!

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    • Right? He slept through both pre 6:00 am wake up calls. If I didn’t love him so much, I would have punched him when I went into the room to get dressed, and he had his head covered with his pillow. The images that came to my mind in that moment. I watch too much Snapped…way too much…

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  3. This is the morning from hell – and I’ve had more than my share. Look at it this way: the kids didn’t get screamed at; the husband didn’t get punched… and the dream can be resurrected during any free time.

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  4. Oh. My. GOSH!

    I laughed out loud at “Foof!”. Genuine giggles.

    What sucky timing! Hope you get a few more Adrian dreams soon, to make up for it 🙂 And thanks for sharing the shitty side of motherhood. It’s good to know. (I’d still take it)

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  5. I was really getting into the first part of this sex dream post until the kids caused you “coitus dream interruptus”!

    That is surely not the way to start off the day. Poop, shit prints, and spilled cereal. LOL!

    I do hope you drink a lot of wine!

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  6. Kids really wreak havoc on your dream sex life, don’t they? I’m impressed that you replied to your husband calmly; I would have been tempted to toss him a mug full of coffee. But I guess it’s not his fault that he’s not Adrian. You tell a great story!

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  7. LMAO. hahahahah. That is the funniest thing that I have read in a long time. Sooooo True though. My sex dreams arent interrupted by children but usually an alarm clock. Same thing I guess once you are being pulled away from your fantasy. Kids or alarms, I’m equally pissed and extremely disappointed. You will never get that exact dream and feeling back…..sad really.

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  8. Great intro, had me thinking “Where’s this gonna end up?” and then I totally heard “Mom…” like it interrupted my train of thinking as well. Damn, you’re good!

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  9. My life. Except take out Adrian whoever for Jason Momoa. I can’t even count the number of times those kinds of dreams have been ruined. Or the time I was busy with B.O.B. and my daughter knocked on my door right at the exact moment….yeah…ruined that one. I answered the door like a mad woman.

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  10. Kids really screw up your sex life. Even in your dreams.
    Amazing how much havoc they can wreak before the ass crack of dawn, even.
    But we love ’em. Right? RIGHT?

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  11. I just saw The Lego Movie last night, so I’m having this mind-reaction where the little police officer with the missing helmet comes to life and builds some kind of amazing shit-cleaning machine, all the while coaxing you gently back to sleep with a lullaby version of “Everything Is Awesome!”

    I mean, that would be cool, right? *sigh*

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    • OMG – “Everything is Awesome” will never be a lullaby; however, we do listen to it at my house almost every night as we (meaning they) get their p.j.’s on. Lately, though, Iggy something has taken over with “Fancy.” My daughter knows (almost) every single word. In fact, she’s singing it now.

      But, yeah…that would be cool! But I’m more of a Wildstyle fan.

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  12. oh my goodness I discovered your blog thanks to Beth Teilho and it made me laugh so much I couldn’t NOT leave a comment thanking you!

    ALso now I know what shit prints are.

    I hope that never comes in handy 😉

    BONNE COURAGE!!

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  13. What…the…oh holy hell. I’d lose it. Big time. Anyone who has been married long enough knows that married sex becomes quite boring after awhile so those steamy dreams are NECESSARY to help you hot and bothered. Add in small kids shitting on carpets and you need them even more.

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  14. Oh yeah! Poop stories. Got a million of ’em! I would hope that this was all a nightmare. It has all the makings of one. Ass crack of dawn wake up from totally hot dream, Legos, stepping in crap, spilled Cheerios, and a clueless husband. Back in the day that would have been the perfect recipe for a drunk day 🙂
    I have no idea how I missed this one the first time around….

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  15. I know I’m a little late to the party here, but I’v just stumbled upon this, you made me laugh! Brilliant! I have a 19 month old so I can only guess I have all this to come, including the sex dreams I hope!

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