I’m on Drugs, and Pimpin Ain’t Easy

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****Disclaimer: I’m on drugs and also a fall risk. (Just throwing that out there before you read any further.)****

Wait.I don’t need an intervention. I’m just on pain meds because I had surgery yesterday.

pills and bands

Do you feel sorry for me? Good. I need some pity. You’ll see why later. Keep reading. By the way, I’m in a lot of pain. I’m in more pain than I thought. Are you ordering me flowers? Don’t. Flowers die, and you don’t have my address, so you would probably send flowers to some other Mandi who would be like “Hey, why did I get flowers?” And then they would die. I’m digressing.

I guess I should tell you why I had surgery. No, I didn’t get boobs. I already have those. I said boobs. I really am on drugs. What was I saying? BOOBS!

Oh, yeah, why I had surgery. I’m kind of a gym rat, and by kind of, I am one. I exercise a lot. I usually play a little basketball with a friend and then we go to this class. The instructor calls it Pilates until you come to class, and then she says, “If you’re expecting traditional Pilates, you’re in for a treat.” She’s lying. It should probably be called “You’re about to get your ass, abs, arms and legs handed to you, and don’t even think about taking a break or stopping for a drink because I will yell at you, and I know your name!” But that’s too long to fit on the little calendar, so Pilates it is.

I’m a little competitive, so since I’ve been going to this class three times a week for over two years, I’ve made some friends in the class, and we started a competition. Who can out pilate the other. I like to win. Well, a week ago, I was in class and trying to win, but I kept having to take breaks, which is not my norm. I was dizzy and very nauseous. So much so that even the instructor came over to me and asked if I was okay. I muscled through (see what I did there?) and finished the class, but I could tell something wasn’t quite right.

Throughout the weekend, I felt worse and worse. I pushed through because someone very special had a very fun book release party, and I could not miss it, so I drank some wine and champagne and ignored the pain in my stomach.

Me: ignoring abdominal pain Beth: glowing new author

Me: ignoring abdominal pain
Beth: glowing new author

Sunday night after a busy day of family and Easter egg hunts and eating my weight in chocolate, I had to lie down, which is also not my norm. What’s a nap? I decided I should call my doctor. Monday morning, she confirmed I had a hernia and referred me to a general surgeon. I met with him on Wednesday. He looked at me for two minutes and said, “That’s gotta come out,” so I had surgery yesterday. No big deal.

Here’s where you come in. See, no flowers, I need something else. Do you l love me? How much do you love me? I love you. A lot. I would send you flowers and tell you how much in the card, but those cards are really small, and flowers die. I only like moist tulips anyway.

Drugs are bad, kids.

What was I saying?

Oh yeah!!  I’m about to release my VERY FIRST NOVEL, and I am so excited. I would jump up and down and do cartwheels, but I have stitches, so I can’t. I’m reaching out to you, my people.

Here’s a little bit about the book:

Paige Preston wants to end her life. After an unsuccessful attempt, she lands herself in mandatory therapy with a sexy psychiatrist. When he and an even more alluring friend begin to help her break down the walls she’s spent a lifetime building, Paige begins to see something bigger than herself. Is it enough to pull her out of her dark world and help her finally feel like a human? Or will letting someone in be the final step toward her demise?

Dear Stephanie is a sinfully addictive walk through a world of beauty, affluence, and incidental love that effortlessly moves the reader between laughter, tears, heartache, and hope with the turn of every “Paige.”

I’m about to be in your face with everything Dear Stephanie (that’s the name of the book, by the way). I would love some internet love. I need volunteers to read and publish a review on release day. I need tweeters to tweet my stuff or even retweet. Help me pimp.

“Pimpin ain’t easy, but it’s necessary.” – Abraham Lincoln

If you want to have me, I would love to come play on your blogs and talk about the book and the characters. But anything you are able to do, even if it’s just to tell me not to freak out, I need, and I will be eternally grateful forever and ever. Isn’t that what eternally means?

So who’s in? Remember up there when you felt sorry for me? Use that. Help you help me. Wait. See? I’m on drugs.

Here’s a link to my new author Facebook page:  https://www.facebook.com/authormandicastle

It’s pretty empty, but get ready for some exciting teasers and giveaways and all those things I’m supposed to do that I don’t remember right now.

***I have no idea what I just wrote, and now I’m seeing double, so I apologize for errors and other things. I didn’t edit this.***

53 thoughts on “I’m on Drugs, and Pimpin Ain’t Easy”

  2. You, on drugs, is a beautiful thing. How amazing are you, by the way?! But I digress.
    I don’t tweet and only ravizumibeatboxx and three or four adorable women who probably already worship you more anyway read my blog, BUT, where can I buy this thing? I already got a go ahead from the hubs to spend my Amazon points on Teli(h)o’s masterpiece. I’d like to double dip, if I might. 😉
    Feel better. (Good to know Pilates can do that to you. We call ours “Booty Barre” which makes it sound like margaritas and Beyonce will be involved. But really, it just makes you cry a little.)

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    • Lodi dodi, we likes to party. We don’t mess around. We don’t bother nobody.
      We’re just some sistahs who write some books
      And when we step up, you’ll see more than our looks.

      *drops mic. WE out we out we out.

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  10. Pain killers are my fave; I’m on them myself for a rib injury GIVE ME THE MICHAEL JACKSON DRUG

    Sorry to hear about your hemorrhoid surgery butt you’ll be up and around in no time.

    We need to drink and take pain killers and do hurkies and then do pegging with IAMASLUTGIRL from the SW blog. Pass the tequila.

    I’ll do All The Pimping but you knew that did t you? Let’s do a fun author interview on my blog! #NinjaBoobs

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    • You are totally reviewing my book, but only if you give it a good one. Don’t review it and say, “don’t read this girl’s book. It sucks. If you want real smut, go to IMASLUTGIRL and read what this 14 year old boy has to say.” Or something like that. My book isn’t smut by the way, but there is some smexy seens.

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  13. Here I am talking to you on FB about craigslist killers, having NO idea that you had surgery!!! WHAAAAT??? My bad, totally! I am hoping those pain meds are kicking in even more and that you feel loopy and happy (pain-free).

    OMG, totally count me IN to help you promote your book! It is so exciting, Mandi. Whatever I can do, I will do. I have quite the list of books I have yet to finish and look forward to reading Dear Stephanie but in the meantime, baby, I’m all in on promoting and helping you on your special Mandi day and beyond!!! Si, Señorita! 🙂

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    • Craiglists killers are a real thing, and I’m glad you posted on facebook about it because I was going to be worried if you didn’t come back and report. You can’t trust anyone. People could be on drugs.

      I would love your help in promoting. Thank you for volunteering. You are on team Pimp Mandi’s Book. I’m making tshirts. Actually, I wasn’t going to, but maybe we need shirts.

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  15. I never knew Percocet was so funny! I love that you’re super competitive. And that you finished your “pilates” class. And that you are smart enough to quote Abe Lincoln off the cuff. And I can’t wait to get my hands on your book! I will be shouting it from the rooftops on release day (I said release). And I wanna figure out something fun we can do on my blog to promote… maybe I can borrow some of your percocet so I can come up with something really funny… (and you are totally funny without the percocet but you’re cracking my ass up today!)

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    • I’m not sure if you read Aussa’s post about being competitive today, but after reading it, I almost came back here and deleted that part because I am not an asshole. At least, I don’t think I am. But I like to win. I have lots of Abe Lincoln quotes. I also quote G Washington a lot. They’re my homeboys.

      And thank you for your enthusiasm of my book. I can’t wait for you to read it and shout from the roof tops and do something fun on your blog. I’m game for anything. I will do whatever you come up with. I’ll send you an ebook as soon as my formatter sends it to me. I was hoping to get it last night, but it hasn’t happened yet.

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  17. I’m in! But an ARC in my greedy little hands and I will read, review, and pimp like…well, I don’t know any pimps.

    I’m super competitive too, so I’m gonna be the bestest reader of your novel EVER.

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  18. You already know I’m in, my little druggie. I hope you’re feeling better (which you must be because it’s been three days since you wrote this….I’ve been held hostage!). In, in, in…all the way, sister! (Go ahead and make something dirty out of that. I don’t want you to explode.)

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    • Oh, I’ll put it in alright, in your inbox. As soon as I get it in in mine first. Man I’m selfish like that. Kidding. I’m actually waiting to get the book back from my typesetter/formatter, so once it’s back, I will get it in your hottie little hands. You are adorable. And Thank you.

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  19. So happy for you, Mandi, and incredibly excited!!! We’d love to have you on Two Voices One Thought. We usually prefer to do interviews/pimp out’s, a few weeks in advance, but we would be honored to have you on our blog to showcase your book. 🙂 Please let us know if you’re interested. Gotta say, though, just had gallbladder surgery and Mathair said the stuff I was coming up with while I was on pain meds could’ve been in a Dr. Seuss book. haha You’re on pain meds and you dish out this kick ass post?! You are crazy awesome!

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    • Inion N. Mathair!!! You’re back. Are you finished with your book? I would love to come to Two Voices One Thought. What do you need from me to do that? I am in like flynn.

      And as far as thinking this is a kick ass post, you must still be on pain meds. I just reread it and can’t believe I wrote something so ridiculous. I was on fire on Friday though. I thought I was hilarious. At least I made myself laugh!

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  20. Congratulations, Mandi!! On the book NOT the surgery. So sorry about that mishap. No more Pilates, at least not that kind. I will add your book to my TBR shelf on GR. I’ll review it and when I do it will be on my side bar of my site. I’m currently reading Helena’s Memoirs…Lovin’ it. I’ve got Order Of Seven waiting. But I’ll definitely want to read Dear Stephanie!!

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    • Thanks, Lisa. You have a lot of good ones on your list. I’m reading Helena’s too, but I have so little time to do any reading lately, that I haven’t gotten very far into it. Thank you again for volunteering to read.

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