Laters, Baby

~

***This post is rated NC-Christian Grey. If you’re not old enough to watch the movie, scroll on.*** 

Ropes,  and cable ties, and whips…oh my! Don’t get your panties in a twist, or maybe do. I’m about to talk Fifty Shades of Grey, the movie.

I saw it last night. My panties are still…never mind.

My friend, Nikki, and I have anxiously awaited this movie since we read the book series way before the masses flooded Sara’s Secret in search of silver jingle balls. With anticipation of our fun night out, we exchanged text messages throughout the day of our impending plans. We discussed hand cuffs, penises, and of course…sex, which is typical on any normal day but a definite on Fifty Shades of Grey Day.

I arrived at the theater an hour and a half early to stand in line in hopes of securing seats  before all of the horny housewives took all of the good ones. I was shocked to see that there were only thirty-ish people in front of me. I love people watching, so I looked around and observed my fellow bondage movie goers. I noticed first the expected groups of women sitting in circles, giggling and talking all things Christian Grey, and then there were the couples. The men obediently sat next to their wives/girlfriends scrolling through their phones as visions of nipples and orgasms danced through their heads.

One group of women who turned out to be elementary school teachers wore shirts that said “Laters, Baby” on the front and “Mr. Grey Will See You Now” on the back. Totes adorbs. When they opened the doors to the (very tiny) theater an hour before showtime, I chose to sit next to them because fun is contagious, and I’m hot for teacher.

I guarded my five seats that I was saving for part of my book club until Nikki finally arrived to help. Bitches with lady wood be crazy and more than once I had to summon my inner doberman and mark my territory with a growl to keep the pre-masterbaters away from my sweet seats.

Finally, after all of the anticipation, the lights turned down, and it was time for us to watch a little S & M a film.

The opening scene seemed to be in line with what I remembered from the book. Clumsy and awkward Anastasia Steele subs (no pun intended) for her sick roommate to interview the mysterious sexy millionaire, Christina Grey for their college newspaper.

“Mr. Grey will see you now.”

She stumbles (literally) into his office. He falls in love, takes her to his red room of pain and spanks her ’til she comes….or something like that.

Here is my review.

Dakota Johnson (the beautiful love child of Melanie Griffith and Don Johnson) completely stole the screen. She portrayed the naive, vulnerable, blushing/lip biting virgin beautifully. Plus she looked really good naked. The perfect Anastasia Steele. My favorite part of the book was the interjections of her inner goddess, which is basically her thoughts when Christian tells her his rules, expectations, etc. Because we couldn’t hear her thoughts, her facial expressions were key. She nailed this. In addition to that, her timing of her comic relief was spot on. She was a nice surprise.

But what is Fifty Shades of Grey without our Christian? Jamie Dornan landed the role, which left him with big ahem shoes (and ripped up faded jeans) to fill. The first thing, and I mean very first thing I noticed was his inability to hide his native accent. It drove me crazy. I have several pet peeves, and one is fake accents. Could we not have found someone with a natural American accent to be our fifty shades of fucked up leading man? I guess not.

Christian Grey is confident and stoic, brooding and sexy, a larger than life character which Jamie Dornan fell short in capturing. He seemed to be spitting out lines rather than embracing the darkness behind this highly anticipated character. He did grow on me throughout the movie and not just when he was naked…wait, what? I thought several times about Robert Pattinson’s portrayal of Edward Cullen in the first Twilight movie. Just like Pattinson, I think Dornan has potential to be very big. *insert teenage girl giggle*

Another part of the book that I loved was the way their relationship grew through text messages and emails, which made the story relevant and current, and I was happy to see that they kept that in the movie version. Ana’s and Christian’s back and forth banter was playful and adorable and probably the way a lot of real life relationships start out now that almost everyone keeps a smart phone in their pockets.

Let’s talk about sex, baby. As most of us know, the bones of this story center around a lot of steamy often risque sex. Dakota and Jamie had incredible on screen chemistry. They brought the sexual tension with full force. There were several moments when I had to gasp for air, and more than once, I squirmed in my seat…in a good way. They brought such intensity to the first sex scene, the vanilla sex and came together seamlessly (mind out of the gutter, people)  which they carried throughout the rest of the movie. They even managed to make the red room of pain moments tastefully hot without being raunchy.

I rolled my eyes several time at the instrumental score that coupled some of the scenes. Maybe I kept thinking about Edward Cullen because the music sounded almost identical to the soundtrack from Twilight. Pianos are sexy, and I wasn’t mad about a naked scene that took place on the piano bench, but come on. Haven’t we already seen the long pale fingers playing Bella’s Lullaby (or insert cliche melancholy song) once already? A little more creativity here would have gone a long way.

Overall, I enjoyed the movie. I laughed. I squealed. I had fun. If I had to give it a rating, I would give it 3 1/2 moist panties stars. If you don’t like nipples, you should go ahead and sit this one out because it is nip city up in Christian’s high rise apartment.

Now for all of the haters. Haters gonna hate. I know, but let’s get one thing straight. If you haven’t read the book, you really don’t have enough facts to be critical. E.L. James took a story from her imagination and put it on paper. Isn’t that what writers do? We can say that it’s poorly written or that it lacks depth, and lots of other unnecessary comments, but her pocketbook would disagree.

As for the fact that this book is about abuse and rape:

SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT! SPOILER ALERT!

This is a story about two adults who enter into a Submissive/Dominant relationship.  He gives her a contract that details everything he expects from her. She negotiates the contract and determines what she is willing and what she is not willing to do. He tells her the safe word for “be more gentle” and the safe word for “stop,” and they both sign the contract, which was written by a (fictional) attorney. If that is not a consensual (fictional) sexual relationship between two adults, I don’t know what is. Plus, a romance brews between them that frankly is pretty believable and more than a little swoon worthy.

In addition to that…spoiler alert…she tells him…spoiler alert…that he can never do that to her again, and spoiler alert….she walks the fuck out on him, and he watches her go.

“Anastasia.”

“Christian.”

Laters, baby.

And now some photos of our night:

The Before Grey

The Before Grey (all smiles)

The After Grey (meh face)

The After Grey (meh face)

Our Anastasia Lip Bite

Our Anastasia Lip Bite

A random condom siting

A random condom siting

54 thoughts on “Laters, Baby”

  2. Reblogged this on Emamma30's Blog and commented:
    I do concur with all of Mandi’s entry here…couldn’t say it any better, had to share! She’s spot on in every aspect. Loved Dakota, and I was disappointed with Jamie, but all in all, fun movie, and I had a great evening with girlfriends!

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  5. Haven’t seen the movie yet but plan on it. Thank you for this post! You’re right about haters gonna hate, no matter what. What I don’t like are the haters that pretend to hate because everyone else says they do. Deep down, they want to read it and see it and get all hot and bothered. They should just let it be and enjoy it for what it is! 🙂

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    • I concur, BHC, like a mother fucking doctor. People want to say how horrible it is when they have zero idea what they’re talking about. It’s not the best book I’ve ever read or the best movie, but it was entertaining both times, and like I said, E.L. is laughing all the way to the bank.

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  7. This is the best! Why can’t you live in my neck of the woods so that I could have come (ahem) to the movie with you and your gal pals?! Thank you for the awesome review. Absolutely adore the brilliant writing!
    Laters.

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    • Hahaha, I see what you did there! Love you ladies, both. I don’t know anything about this book or movie or whatever, but my wife read them for sure. I think I got some 50 Shades sex one night which was pretty great, so it can’t be all that bad. Okay, night now. It’s late. Lol.

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      • Yeah, Don, I think EL James probably got a few extra fruit cakes the Christmas after this book came out from men all around whose wives suddenly found interest in seeing them naked. (But, for the record, they weren’t really seeing their husbands…Christian Grey, yes, but not their husbands. That’s the beauty of eye lids.)

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  10. I couldn’t wait for this. Like Twilight, 50 Shaded has lovers and haters. I agree with you that E.L. James is laughing all the way to the bank. I’m anxious to see it because I thought the nooks dragged but the idea behind it was, um, intriguing to me. I want to see the condensed and what sounds like more sensual version played out. The only thing I that would have made me happier would have been Charlie Hunnam as Christian Grey. I’m just gonna leave it at that. Thanks for the review! I’m looking forward to seeing for myself now.

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    • I didn’t think the books were the best I’ve ever read, not even close, but I found them entertaining. I think Charlie Hunnam would have been good, but still doesn’t he have a foreign accent? I have never noticed it on SOA though. He looks good without a shirt. I wouldn’t mind looking at him in those beat up jeans either. I can’t believe he backed out because of the stupid fans who thought they had a say in casting. Well, we’ll see if this dude can step it up for the next one.

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  11. OMGgggg,
    this film has been getting A LOT of controversy! Right?
    I must be missing something.
    Anyhow, I loved reading this humorous review & loved your pics w/ your girlfriends.
    How fun. Like one of those sex parties or something.
    PS…Just saw Christian Grey on Netflix as a serial killer. Have you watched “THE FALL” yet? This dude gets the F*cked up rolls!
    Laters, Baby.
    xx

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    • I have not watched The Fall. Is that a Netflix original? I could use another show to get addicted too.

      And as for controversy, I even had an argument with my husband last night about it, and he doesn’t care about anything. Pfft.

      It was fun. A great girls night out. I wouldn’t say it’s the best movie I’ve ever seen, nor was it the best book, but it was very entertaining, and sometimes a girl just needs a little escape into someone else’s fantasy. Thanks so much for reading.

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    • I completely respect that decision. There are lots of movies I’ve refused to see, too. My point is that you can choose what you watch, and I can choose what I watch, and just by watching this movie or reading these books doesn’t place my among the lowest common denominator of the population as so many people are saying.

      At the end of the day, this was just a fun girls night out.

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    • I thought I wrote “one of my favorite” parts. It wasn’t my favorite. Their emails/text messages were my favorite. And funny, I figured with Katrine’s inner monologue, you would have liked Anastasia’s.

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  15. This is awesome. Exactly what fantasy is supposed to be: FUN.
    The people with sticks up their butts, and the writer Nazis crapping all over it, and trying to shame the people who enjoyed this, are making me crazy. I wrote a long-winded rant about it, and I love that you wrote this because that’s what Fiction is: ENJOYABLE.
    Who cares about the ‘quality’ of the writing. I mean, if nothing else you can’t beat good softcore porn. And you can’t beat something that makes so many people have FUN. That is priceless.
    Enjoy your Fantasies, America, and de-stick your butts.
    I wasn’t particularly looking forward to the movie, but now I am. So, thanks!
    Sharing the crap out of this post!

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    • I loved your rant, Joy. I’m not trying to get everyone to watch this movie. I couldn’t care less whether or not you choose to or don’t choose to, but people are bashing something based on a few snippets that they’ve seen online that were probably posted by a Baptist preacher. I will never criticize something unless I have all of the facts. That’s my point here, and listen. This is fun. It was a fun book. It was a fun movie. It was the #1 movie in the box office this weekend. People can say what they will. I’m fine with that, but I’m beyond annoyed with so many people bashing it without even reading it. I refuse to give a book a review if I quit reading in the middle. I think it’s unfair to both the writer and to other readers. I simply feel that the masses of haters need to do the same with this. And also, destick their butts. Or maybe just plug them…hahahahah

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  17. I’m seeing it on Friday. I’ve read a bunch of reviews, but yours is the one I trust. I know the books weren’t great literature, but I enjoyed them. Thank you for being honest and real, Mandi!

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  18. *bitches with lady wood*

    I died. I just died. LOL

    It’s nice to see a good review when everyone in the world is spouting it off as stupid and blah. My fave radio host said she loved it (much like your review) and with your reviews combined, I mayyyyy go see it in theaters. Don’t get me wrong, I’m definitely going to buy it when it comes out on DVD (always had this plan), but now I’m more amenable to seeing it on the big screen (HA). Love your thoughts and review 🙂 – Gillian

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    • Gillian, I’m really glad I saw it in the theaters. I always like to be first, so I wanted to see it before I read all of the reviews. When someone from my bookclub was able to get us tickets to the soft release, I jumped on it. It was a fun night out with girlfriends, and we had a great time. I think part of the fun was the theater full of women. I sat in front of a gay man who offered the best sound effects when Christian Grey took off his shirt, and I wouldn’t get that in my living room.

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      • Bahahaha! I love that! I actually saw it a couple weeks ago with some girl friends and one if them actually fell asleep! 10 mins in!!! So, not the greatest commentary from my batch of friends/movie go-ers. HAHA. I thought the sex scenes were ON POINT. Lady wood for real. :):):)

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    • I would still watch it in the theater, Jana. It was fun to be around all of the contagious energy and chatter, and listening to the other people’s reaction was hilarious.The first time Anastasia Steele took off her clothes, a man (someone’s husband who was forced to be there) said, “MMMMMMMM” so loud that the entire theater erupted in laughter. I think it was more fun at the theater, but I do plan on watching it at home, too. With my toys…I mean, a glass of wine. Side note, I had a glass of wine in the theater too, which is why my lips are black in the pics.

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  20. I have to say– this is the ONLY thing I have read about this movie. My entire newsfeed is full of people slamming it or calling it abusive or something and I have a supreme inclination to ignore absolutely everything that goes viral on my newsfeed. I think that’s because I don’t like being told what to do– and also why Christian Grey would totally not ask me to sign any contracts. But of course I had to read this, because you wrote it and that means there would be random condom sitings and a scale of most panties.

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  21. I’m so glad you ignore the slammers. It’s definitely created a ton of controversy. I don’t like being told what to do either, which is why I too would kindly decline an offer to be ball gagged.

    I’m glad my little post is the one you read. I just had fun with it, and SOMEONE had to rate the moist panties. A girl’s gotta do.

    Thanks for reading, Aussa!

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  23. Hm, the movie was a flop in Europe. I guess we are used to see really good erotic movies and this was not one of them. Plus I would say, sorry, Americans are much more conservative and would consider hot something what is for an european person plain boring.
    Why I watsched the movie then? Well because I am every week in a cinema – I love cinema – and all other movies I have seen already. Bad book and bad movie, for my part. And I really do love good erotic movies and good erotic literature.

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    • Oh, you are correct. Americans are way too stuffy about our erotica. That’s one of the reasons why I posted this. So much of my social media feed lately has been bashing this. It wasn’t as hot as it could have been, but they had to keep it vanilla for us “Muricans. Thanks for chiming in. I think I need to come to Europe and watch movies with you.

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      • I am not sure if my comment made you angry, if so I apologize! If not, I would love to have good long movie night with bunch of girls. And as much as I love good erotic literature or movie I am sometimes irritated with so much freedom, like recently a couple in a park doing something very obvious. I felt an urgent need to use my grandma’s bible und beat them with it.

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