The Penis Monologues Have Not Forgotten You

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It’s been a while, but I had to bring back the Penis Monologues because basically, I still have questions, and they’re not even mine. Remember back when you all submitted your questions and I said, “Hey, we’ll do this every week until we answer them all?” Yeah, well, then summer happened, and I got sucked into the sunshine and water and jumping up every time I open my lap top to get a snack or break up a fight. But I haven’t forgotten you, my loyal readers, and when I make a promise, I keep it…even if it gets a little postponed. Forgive me? Good because I have a treat for you.

They’re back. Actually, they never really left. They answered all of these questions when we first asked, but I let them sit in my inbox for over a month. I hope they can forgive me. In case you forgot them (but how could you with their sex answers and all of their hotness?) here’s the line up. Dave is our California dreamboat who represents the single guys. Phil Hotberg is our sexy New Yorker who’s in a committed relationship but hasn’t signed a contract…yet, and then there’s our Don, the St. Louis police officer who’s bringing it strong in the married man category. Did you hear that ladies: he wears a uniform? *Raises eyebrows at Don*

So, who’s ready? Okay, okay.

Jeri who is both a writer and an editor (my editor) can be found at jeriwb.com. She would like to know:

Why do men never brush crumbs off the counter after making a quick sandwich for lunch?  Why do you set dirty dishes on top of the counter rather than taking five seconds to put the dishes in the dishwasher?  Is it because you know a certain someone will come along and do it?

Dave: I’m calling Bullshit! Your husbands are just typical guys…I am not one of those guys. I like a clean, tidy house at all times. Cleaning crumbs off the counter takes about 5 seconds to clean, but most of you do it for them, so why would they? A lot of men probably think that they are out at their jobs all day and it is a woman’s place to put the dish away or clean the counter. My mother taught me how to do for myself and thus the crumbless kitchen I have. If you have to, entice him to do these sort of things. How you do that is up to you. Everyone likes to be rewarded with something

Phil:  All I can say is as for me, I keep it clean and put my stuff away. Living in a small NYC apartment, we can’t leave out dirty dishes and crumbs everywhere. We don’t want a visit from the cockroach clan.  Plus, my gal let’s me have it if I do that. I’ve had my lazy messy moments, I’ll admit, but I try to clean up after myself.

Don:  I’m married, why in the fuck would I make own sandwich?

Haha, no, I kid. They do always taste better when somebody else makes them though. What was the question again? Ah, I generally do clean not only my own crumbs up, but also those of my spawns as well. Plus, I cook most of the dinners. The tradeoff is that the wife does most of the putting the boys to bed work. I’m not sure who’s getting the short end of the stick in this arrangement anymore. I moved out of the house at 18 and held off getting married until I was 29, so I had just over a decade living on my own and developing bad habits like just throwing pots into the dumpster and buying new ones instead of cleaning them or having a whites pile of laundry on the hallway floor and a colored pile in the kitchen, which turned out to be stupid because I always washed everything together in cold water anyway.

I will say, that if you’re with a man who can’t do such simple tasks and expects you to do so for him, then maybe you need to work on your nagging or jump ship, if you ain’t married yet. We’re a pretty good team over here and even though the wife does most of the laundry and I do most of the yard work, that’s more of a personal preference for both of us than it is some sort of adherence to traditional stereotypes or whatever.

Jennie, my beautiful SisterWife and one of my favorite writers works her magic at jenniesaia.wordpress.com. She asked:

Do you have friends you have heart – to- heart conversations with? If so, what’s the relationship; are they guys or girls; are they friends, family, or your partner?  And if no…what do you do with all of those FEELINGS? Because I know they’re in there.

Dave:  Ahhhh, the secret society of guys expressing feelings is going to be revealed today. Get your pens ready to take notes.

First of all, all men have feelings. How each and everyone expresses them is another science experiment. Personally, because of who I am, when a buddy of mine splits with his girl I try to always be there for them. Ask questions about how, why, when, etc….I am really just giving him the chance to vent and speak whatever is on his mind. I like to provide questions and solutions if needed because I have been in that sinking ship before and it is horrible. I can’t do much for them besides give them a chance to just ramble on an on if they need to. 99% of guys don’t do this….But I do. Why? Because when it happens to me, I want to know that someone will give me the opportunity to express myself and vent. It seems when I end a relationship and I am feeling blue that my friends solution is “lets go get a beer”….That doesn’t make everything all better, guys. Beer and conversation possibly but never beer alone. And it has to be a one on one situation. If it’s a group of guys, even their closest friends the conversation won’t work. It must be limited to just a couple of people or you won’t feel comfortable.

About 3 months ago my buddy came to me and asked me to go to breakfast and I was into it. No biggie. Then he hits me with him and his girl aren’t doing well and probably will split up….Right away I was semi-shocked and listened to him but I knew. He had been hanging with a lot of co workers and going out a lot and drinking a lot. I met some of those people and some were women. I knew that he had been getting attention from these girls and it felt good. He had been in an 8 year relationship and getting attention from someone other than his girl. No matter who you are, it feels good. His relationship to me felt like him and his girl were just roommates/friends and I didn’t see it going on any longer. I let him tell me excuse after excuse of why things weren’t working out….Like she wasn’t into the same things he was into. Like she doesn’t like to go out. She doesn’t like to surf. She doesn’t like soccer…I let him finish then I told him, “She never liked to go out. She never liked to surf. She never liked soccer. These are not new things so why is it an issue now?” I knew the answer. He was in a rut at home and he was getting attention from another girl…and he liked it. He had convinced himself the grass was greener…But it’s not. I told him that deep down if you really want to make things work you need to cut ties with these friends and get back in touch with your girl. If you don’t, it is over. We had a pretty good heart to heart and I felt like not everyone would do that for him. He is lucky to have me as a friend. Would he do that for me? And really care about it? Who knows….I doubt it but I don’t fault him for that. Everyone is different.

When I feel like venting or just getting an emotional release out I usually turn to my mother. You know why? Because she will just sit on the phone and listen. She makes me feel like I am supported no matter what I do. That’s how friends should be. Some guys are just straight up dicks and don’t give a shit about anything. If you have one of those I feel bad for you but that’s why we have friends. One single person could not be your support for every situation you come across in life. Only my sister could understand what it was like to grow up with me….Not my girl who I try to explain it to. Its just not the same.

Phil: Feelings? Ewwww. I have guy friends, and we’ll discuss certain things, but not too deep. If I have one of those conversations, they are with my gal. As a guy, I’ll admit I keep a lot of those feelings to myself and don’t show too much to those around me. It’s how us men are wired. We like to be portrayed as strong and not wussies. Also, the way society is, us men are not supposed to be blubbering about feelings. Now excuse me while I have some whiskey, eat some bacon, wrestle that bear, and go polish my gun.

Don:  I don’t really have heart to hearts with people too often, but when I need to talk about something, of course, my wife is the go to person. She gets that I need my space and knows when to push me to get something off my chest and when to leave me be. I don’t do “feelings” well even though I’m sure she’d rather I be more open, but it is what it is. I guess I get that from my own dad.

I’m not a Neanderthal or anything, but I do sort of lean towards the old school where men bottled most of their feelings up until it festered into a tumor or a weekend drinking binge and they moved on with life. All this touchy feely everyone is special and should be in touch with their feelings crap is making us a society of panty waists.

Laura from historyofawoman.com asked one of my absolute favorite questions, and she needs to know, and so do I…in the name of science and for your health purposes:

Okay, just saw an article this morning that said to reduce the risk of prostate cancer, a man should ejaculate at least five times a week. How many times are you ejaculating?

Dave:  Prostate cancer or not! I am going to release one any time I feel like it. Well you might be asking yourself like when? I can’t imagine fucking my wife 5 times a week especially after her yelling at me earlier about crumbs on the counter and the dish I left on the counter. Guys need to release tension and how they do that is up to them. If you are having sex with your wife 5 times a week, I applaud you but that means 5 times you have to get all mushy with them and get on the emotional connection level that women want you to be on. Sometimes you just want to knock one out and go to sleep. Guys like to jerk one off whenever they can. I don’t have to sweet talk my dick or help clean the house first. It’s just there waiting. It’s not talking back or asking me to take the kids to karate tomorrow before work. It’s just there. If I am about to go on a date, sometimes I like to squeeze one out or else on the date the only thing I will be thinking about is how am I going to fuck this girl? After the preliminary nut, I only think about it like 50% as much. It helps focus, or the whole time what she is talking about, (her family, her schooling, her job) during dinner is going in one ear and out the other. This way I can pay attention. I don’t know if the study is true or not, but 5 times isn’t out of the question. Like I’ve said, guys are very visual. I don’t need an emotional connection to a physical object. It’s just an object to look at helping out my fantasy. I think women like to think about things to help their fantasies. I get a good jerk sesh in whenever I feel like I need to. There is no set times. You just know. That’s how come guys can have sex with you, finish, and immediately turn the TV on. That’s not when we want to sit and explore your minds. Once we got that nut clear our goals have changed. I think Chris Rock said most guys don’t get caught jerking off but they get caught with porn in the VCR. When you are jerking you aren’t in your right state of mind. Once your goal of busting a load is complete, you lose all your focus, and your attention goes elsewhere. We have reached our goal, so now it’s time to move to something else.

Phil: LOL! I have read that too in the past. Let’s just say that if we can do it seven times a week, we will. Maybe it depends on a man’s sex life, but if he tells you he doesn’t do it all that much, he’s lying. Unless you are banging the heck out of him each day. If so, I say bravo to you and congrats to him!

Don:  Well, I can assure you that this married man is not ejaculating five times a week, and if I’m doing so five times a month, then pornhub.com is probably in my browser history. Unless it’s March, because that’s my birthday month so…liberties

Well, we got another round of honest goodness from the guys. If you’re new here, first of all, welcome, and second of all, you should check out the previous monologues:

The Penis Monologues

The Penis Monologues (Pillow Talk 101)

Also, if you have any follow up questions for the guys, leave them here in the comments, and maybe they’ll have time to respond. I love these guys, so please be kind. If you like my friends, you should take a stroll around their blogs and leave them some comment love.

Thanks again to my guys. I kind of love them more than a little.

 

 

53 thoughts on “The Penis Monologues Have Not Forgotten You”

  1. Love this! Lovelovelove it! You guys are awesome and open and honest and it’s so refreshing. I told the husband about that study and his response was, “Guess you better get busy.” He’s leaving his health welfare up to me it seems. Bwahahhahaha!

    Dave: “Sometimes you just want to knock one out and go to sleep. ” That right there…Women feel the same way. It takes me far less time to get there if I’m focused solely on that and not the give and take of sex. There are certainly times when I just want to get a good orgasm in and roll over and sleep.

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    • Poor Dave needs a wife so that he can quit trying so hard. I think he’ll learn once he’s settled down that women really aren’t all that different from men when it comes to sex. I’m not looking for an emotional connection. Like my friend Nik said, I get that from my book boyfriends. I’ve trained the husband to know exactly what works so that it doesn’t have to take a million years. Wham bam, thank you ma’am sir!

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      • We’re the same way. I laugh when women talk about how it’s “making love.” Pfft…we fuck. I love him later when we’re curled up in bed watching cartoons together. I love him when we’re at dinner with the kids and he offers to sit with the son. I love him when he lets me wear his comfy t-shirts to bed or teases me for buying Royal Farms out of ice cream bars.

        But in the bedroom…we fuck. It’s all about pleasure (mutual, of course).

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      • Yeah, the term “making love” makes my skin crawl. It’s the same goal for both of us, and it’s pretty much been that way since we started out. I fell in love with him because he was a hot bartender with these delectable plump lips that I couldn’t look at without thinking really dirty things, and as I got to know him, the love just grew. I love him most when we say nothing at all…wait, isn’t that a country song? Maybe we’re wired differently than most women, but I’m not looking for love in the bedroom…at all.

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      • I don’t think so. Of course, most women have been brainwashed by years of Harlequin romance novels. Not that I don’t love a good romance…but seriously…there no man in kilt who is going to be a barbarian everywhere else and coddle you in the bedroom. It’s not happening. I’d rather have the barbarian in the bedroom. 😀

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      • Im not trying so hard….BUT you have to remember. Dating is diff from marriage. I just dont think I am marriage material…..Probably because I am masturbating so much.

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      • So true, we’ve already got the emotional connection, in the bedroom it is all about the genital connection. We can get emotional later watching Mythbusters and eating Ben & Jerry’s… that is emoting time. Bedtime is either sleepy time or hot, sweaty, mega fun, happy time 🙂 it’s also great cardio if you have a decent session.

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  2. These were AWESOME!!! I love how honest they are! Dave was cracking me up with the jerk sesh, and Don….always hilarious. Phil is keepin’ it real, and he’s TIDY. Me likey.

    I totally agree with what Laura said. There are times I opt for a solo run just so I don’t have the complications of a man pounding me. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes that’s EXACTLY what I want. But sometimes I just want a nice, easy O and then I can just go about my day.

    great jobs, everyone (including Mandi!)

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  3. Hey Dave. I may not have sex with my husband five times a week but when I do it ‘s to rub one out. I don’t need cuddling and emotional connection. That’s what books are for…

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    • Daaaammmn! Nik is in the house, and word up on the book cuddling. My book husband is so much more romantic than my real life husband. I agree though, and you know this, I’m not looking for any kind of emotional connection when it comes to sex. I want the big O, plain and simple, two if I’m lucky.

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  4. Hahaha, how ironic that the wife and I just had a morning quickie before I read this post. I’m totally not hurt that I couldn’t be a sexy, dreamboat officer, Mandi. Whatever. Lol. Fun stuff. I hope there’s more in store.

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  7. Damn. These guys are all keeping it real, but I gotta hand it to Dave for really putting himself out there.
    The whole “jerk sesh” thing is hilarious. Yes, he does sound like a great friend, and a lot of fun. Now I wish i had gone to BlogHer. Not to the conference; I would have ditched the Ann Taylor crowd in about 30 seconds and called Dave so he could bring me to a strip club .Hahahahaha

    Mandicakes – 15 seconds? Wow. That’s impressive. And how does one get a “book boyfriend?”
    Great job here.

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      • I had a feeling you would. I love strip clubs; they’re great fun and I’ve not been to any in California.

        West Coast boobies!

        I gotta hand it to you (no pun intended) you sure are honest about – well, everything. You should blog about this stuff. Women love about the male point of view. Well, this woman does!

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      • Okay. So I just clicked on your blog and found out you’re really into music
        But what’s more, you’re going to be at ACL? Did Mandi tell you she *might* be going?

        Our sisterwife Hasty is going the second weekend, so we’re trying to see if we can go. It’s sold out, and the tickets are super expensive on stub hub. The last I heard, Mandi was checking with a friend to see if she had a way to get tickets. \

        Which weekend are you going?

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      • Holy shit! Yep, second weekend for us, too.

        Well, Hasty and her friend are definitely in. Mandi and I are maybes. The lineup IS sick.

        Are you going with a group, or just a friend? If Mandi and I went, there would be 4 of us.

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      • Just me and my friend. I can’t wait. Some of my fav bands are going to be there. Can’t wait. Interpol, chvrches, pearl jam, outkast. Too many to list. We rented this persons apt for like 5 nights and going to ride bikes everywhere. Hahah. Hella buzzed

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  9. 15 seconds? Do you have a robotic hand or is your battery operated friend a jackhammer? 🙂

    Thanks for including me in this. Keeping it real. Also, nothing wrong with a good pounding. Sometimes we like it sweaty and messy!

    Kind of funny that this post coincided with my newest post about sucking face in public and PDA’s – http://blog.theregularguynyc.com/summertime-tonsil-hockey-pdas-and-love-lines-in-nyc/

    Now excuse me as I go back to rubbing one out to the porn I have playing on the other window.

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    • Phil, I may have exaggerated a bit with the 15 seconds, but since I’ve known myself for 36 years, I kind of know what works. I am so glad you are part of this. You add so much to my little post! Heading to your link right now.

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      • Ok, so I’ll try to keep this concise, because I think I could drag on a bit.

        Why do men never brush crumbs off the counter after making a quick sandwich for lunch? Why do you set dirty dishes on top of the counter rather than taking five seconds to put the dishes in the dishwasher? Is it because you know a certain someone will come along and do it?

        I actually do my best to not leave crumbs. Me and the queen live in a small condo with two pawns. If we don’t keep the counter clean or everything else for that matter it becomes noticeable very quickly. Between the potential bugs and other pests it’s essential that we wipe every surface after it is used. I don’t leave dishes on the counter but I will soak them in the sink and that’s because the dishwasher just isn’t that great, so it needs all the help it can get. But the queen and I have an agreement. I handle the floors and dishes, two things she hates, and she handles the laundry, which I hate. I wish a certain someone would come along and do it, but the pawns aren’t old enough to have chores yet, but soon child labor will be in full force.

        Do you have friends you have heart – to- heart conversations with? If so, what’s the relationship; are they guys or girls; are they friends, family, or your partner? And if no…what do you do with all of those FEELINGS? Because I know they’re in there.

        I used to have a friend like that, and then he died. Really he did. And it took me a long time just too even want to make a friend again. Eventually I made friends again. Eventually I even made close friends. I can have conversations with a couple guys but it usually takes a bit of beer to get it flowing out, and we both have to open up. On occasion I will open up to the queen. But I have other avenues of releasing feelings than conversations and people. I run a lot and that helps burn out a lot of frustration. I also write and that helps too. If all else fails tequila always gets me to open up to whoever is unlucky enough to be in the vicinity.

        Okay, just saw an article this morning that said to reduce the risk of prostate cancer, a man should ejaculate at least five times a week. How many times are you ejaculating?

        Five times a week isn’t an issue. I shower at least once a day so that should give you some indication. I won’t go into details with how many days a week the queen and I share a physical encounter but between showering and that, the risk is reduced.

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  12. Okay I have a question, what is your opinion of mixing food and sex? I once dated a guy (NOT the guy I married) who was really into making “dishes” on me (I use the term “dishes” very loosely because it was pretty much whipped cream with an assortment of toppings). To be honest it may have been the person doing it, but I was just kind of like, ‘dude that is not what sprinkles are for, they are for fairy bread and you are wasting them!’ The clean up sucked too.
    Don’t get me wrong, I am all for the fun food tricks like ice and eclipse mints meeting a BJ, but that was too much for me.
    So are you all pro food?
    *waits for the first banana pun LOL*

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  13. What an awesome panel of experts! Better than Hoda & Kathie Lee’s panel of men who aren’t as honest as they should be. 🙂 Those were some good questions and very enlightening answers. I feel like I know my husband’s secrets now. 🙂

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    • This was the exact reason I wanted to find a panel…so that I can figure out my husband’s secrets. I need to know everything, and these three have been great with their honest and straight forward feedback. Not to mention, there ability to make me smile, say “awe!” and laugh keeps me wanting more and more of them. All three are great guys and such great sports.

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