Aside

The Penis Monologues

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I wanted to get inside their heads, to find out what they were thinking, and by “they,” I mean men, so I asked three of my favorite online guys, and being the great sports that they are,  all three graciously agreed to answer our questions.  Apparently, I’m not the only one who wants to know because ladies and gentlemen, you brought some fabulous questions, so many that I am going to do a weekly installment of “The Penis Monologues” until we have them all figured out…and by “them,” I mean men.  

Today we tackle what men really think about appearance, but first let me introduce you to my guys.

I crossed the demographics and found us a single guy,  a guy with a girlfriend, and a married guy.

Representing the single guys is my California boy, Dave, aka Hellabuzzed. Did you hear that, ladies? This one is on the market.  One (and it’s hard to pick just one) of my absolute favorite things about Dave is his candor. He tells it like it is, and even if I don’t want to hear it, he’s usually right.  He’s adorable, charming,  smart, and he always makes me laugh. What’s not to love? If you’re interested, leave your bio in the comments, and we’ll see what we can do. Kidding…kind of.

Commonly referred across the interweb as “Hotberg,” is Phil. Phil likes to tease me with his hot (keep reading) spots around NYC over at his blog: The Regular Guy NYC. If you ask me, he’s anything but regular.  But ladies, we have to back off of this one.  He’s fully committed to his girlfriend.  He does, however, like to blog naked.  You’re quite welcome for the visual as you read his answers to our questions.  Is anyone else smiling?  I know I am. *winks at Phil*

And then to even out the playing field, I give you the married guy, Don. Don has a huge heart, is a great father, and a loving husband. He loves to swear and can be bribed with Bud Light Lime, but he can also tug on my heart strings when he tells stories of his kids.  He’s quick with his wit and with his pistol because when he isn’t writing over at Don of All Trades, he puts on a uniform, carries a gun, and keeps the bad guys where they belong.

Now that we know who we’re talking to, let’s pop open a beer, put our feet up, and get comfy in the man cave as we try to figure out what’s going on in those thick enigmatic XY heads.

Beth (who gets full credit for the title of this series) from Writer B is Me would like to know:

Do you even notice cellulite, or is it just women who obsess about it?

Dave:  Yes. Guys notice cellulite, and it is not attractive. It doesn’t matter if it is white, brown, black or any color; however, I have a lot of respect for women I see out at the gym or walking around town in little short shorts wearing cellulite proudly. It’s the people who decide to cover it up and not be proud of who they are that I personally don’t like. Wear skirts. Wear shorts. Wear what makes you comfortable. If you have it and don’t like it, change it. Exercise.  It’s not permanent. If you have cellulite or not, it doesn’t change who you are inside. Sometimes women just need to say “Fuck it. This is me….like it or don’t like it. Either way, kiss my ass.” Do women like men with big ole pot bellies? It’s the same insecurity.

Phil:  Of course we do, we’re not blind you know. We notice it just as much as we notice our own beer guts, receding hairline, and aging. Men are vain too, but we just hide it a bit better. I think women obsess about it more when it comes to body issue things. Most guys won’t mind if they really care about the lady they are with.

Don:  Is cellulite that stuff that looks like cottage cheese on the back of a woman’s thighs or ass that is totally gross and makes me shiver and want to both laugh and vomit when I see it? No, I don’t notice it. I guess if it were an extreme case, I’d notice, but I’m a pig and generally just stare at a woman’s boobs, so no worries about cellulite there. You women are all beautiful and shouldn’t worry about such silliness. You didn’t ask, but I’d say that it does look better tan though, as all things do. I feel like I’ve lost 20 pounds when I get some color on my skin.

Lizzi from Considerings asks:

Does it matter to you to look good for your woman, or is it a “done deal..why does it matter?” kind of gig?

Dave:  Yes it matters to me. First off, let me say that I am single currently, but I have been in every sort of relationship, so I can speak from experience. I take a lot of pride in making sure I am at my best most of the time, especially when I am in a relationship. I am fairly metro. I like to make sure my hair is always trimmed and my clothes are current and up to par. I like to work out but not because my girl wants me to but because it makes me feel better on the inside, which shows on the outside. I am not the best looking person in America, but I don’t take that as I shouldn’t be presentable. I expect certain things from my girl that I would assume she would expect back from me. I want my girl to take pride in doing her hair and makeup and making sure she looks good…But mostly because I want her to want to look good. You have to be secure in your relationship too. If she is the center of attention and everyone is gawking at her when she walks into a room,  that could be hard for a lot of people. I’m insecure just like the next person, but you have to have confidence. Confident in how you look, how you feel, and how you present yourself to others. Confidence, not arrogance.  For example, when you get married there is no reason to let yourself go. That just means you don’t care enough about yourself to try. I understand marriage and kids is a huge responsibility, but everyone needs time to work on themselves. Guys are very visual creatures. Give them something to look at…….

Phil:  It matters a lot to me to look good for my gal. It’s a total turn on for my woman to see me in shape, and the perks that come from working out and staying fit delivers even more in the bedroom. Plus, I’m the kind of guy that takes care of myself when it comes to grooming and clothes, whether it be times when I dress up or just go casual. Plus, gotta smell good and be clean, as good hygiene is a must. Life is too short to look like shit. Don’t be that guy who smells bad and looks like a shlub. Take care of yourself and look your best, as I know you ladies do appreciate it. Heck, we all know how long you ladies usually take to get ready and look good for us, it’s the least we can do.

Don:  There’s very little argument that I married up and my wife down in the looks department, but the funny thing is that I think I’m more confident in how I look than she is about how she does. Maybe that’s a woman thing? I guess my wife and I have been together long enough that I don’t really concern myself with how I look THAT much. Aside from my stunning handsomeness, I think she also loves me because I’m her friend and an okay dad to our kids, etc. so I don’t worry about her leaving me for dressing like a homeless man or rarely bathing like a single guy might have to worry about. I do still think about her sometimes, like before I get a haircut, or when I’m buying clothes or cologne. If I remember she mentioned she liked a certain style or whatever, then I’ll do that for her, yes.

Dana from Kiss My List would like to know:

Do you worry about aging the way women do? Lines, wrinkles, hair loss, weight gain – does any of that phase you?  How would you fight it, or is fighting it too girly?

Dave:  I worry about aging just as much as everyone else. I don’t obsess about it. I understand how life works, and I don’t fight it. Am I as handsome as I was at 20? No. Not even close, but I try to make myself feel young. I know I can’t go to Vegas and party all night anymore, but that’s okay. I am older, and I don’t need to anymore. The older you get the wiser you get. Unfortunately we are all in a fight against time, and time always wins. I worry about lines and wrinkles and getting fat, but I don’t let it run my life or control who I want to be. I can’t eat what I want now and not expect  the consequences…and I know that going into it. You have to know what you do will catch up on you….Yes, sitting at the beach or the pool is fun and relaxing but remember in 20 years, it’s going to ruin your skin. I actually support people who are into improving their image with surgery or treatments as long as you don’t look like a duck or Joan Rivers at the end….at that point, just face the facts. You are old. Accept that. Everyone gets old. Your boyfriend, spouse and family love you regardless.

Phil:  Sure, we notice it, but most guys don’t obsess about it as much as women do. I’ve been lucky that I still have my hair, and many women like the gray in it now. A few wrinkles add character. There’s the old adage that as men get older we get hotter and women not so much. I think that’s a case by case basis, and depends on how that person has kept themselves over the years, how they dress, genetics, etc. Living in NYC, I see a ton of hot sexy women 40, 50, and older. I also see a ton of guys in their 20’s and 30’s who look like crap and will age very badly. Personally, I’ll admit I have a healthy concern about how I look to others, and do my best to stay fit and youthful. Aging gracefully is bullshit. I’m going to fight it kicking and screaming until the end. So yes, we do worry about aging, but as human beings I think we all do. It’s up to that person to make the best of it. Everyone handles it differently.

Don:  Worry about what?? My appearance? I’m a generally average looking 40 year old man, so I don’t worry about the way I look so much. I have had periods where I’ve not liked the way I felt about myself and I do want to be healthy enough to see my kids grow up, so I guess I’m phased a bit by aging, yes. It certainly doesn’t consume me, but there are times when I see a wayward hair protruding from my ear or eyebrow and think to myself, “what the fuck?”

My 4 year old called me fat a couple of years ago, because I was getting fat, so I did sort of start working out/running to get myself back into semi-decent shape. For me, it’s how I feel more than how I look, but I can’t let myself go too badly because little ones are brutally honest and nobody wants to hear, “daddy your belly is really big” or “daddy you smell funny” all the time.

While I certainly don’t think it’s too girly to work out and try to look good, metrosexual or whatever is beyond my interest level for sure.

Joy from ComfyTown Chronicles asked:

How long do you have to be with someone before you no longer care what they’re wearing, or how long they spend on their appearance when you go out together?  Do pajamas ever really matter past the initial stage, I guess. Why or why not?

Dave:  You should always feel presentable. Don’t ever lose that feeling, everyone. If you feel like a slob, then people will look at you like a slob. When did you stop trying? When you are wearing sweats at the mall, your man is looking at the hot young thing wearing the skirt and low cut shirt. You want your guys to feel that way about you, not her. When you first start dating I understand you are always at your best and gradually it tapers off once you get more comfortable. Don’t ever get to the point where you don’t care….Then don’t cry about what happens after his attention goes elsewhere.

Phil:  Hey, nothing wrong with throwing on the sweats and a t-shirt on a lazy Sunday while watching tv and having bagels. Or just chilling out on the couch after a long day at work and getting comfortable. Yet, I don’t agree with letting it all go as the relationship progresses. Neither me or my gal own pajamas. Never have and never will. Pajamas are the kiss of death when it comes to sex and intimacy. Once you go there it kind of kills the spirit of sexy-time. Maybe me and my gal might be a bit vain but we try to look good for each other whether at home or going out. Believe me ladies, men do notice and we appreciate it.

Don:  Hahaha, as I answer this, my wife is to my right on the couch in her flannel green pajamas. 18 years of her in pajamas and still going strong. I sleep nude and have never ever been able to understand how a person can wear anything to bed, let alone pajamas. That’s what the covers are for!

My wife and I are both really low maintenance, but I guess if my wife suddenly started to leave the house without brushing her hair or teeth or putting on any makeup, I’d wonder what was wrong with her. I’d not say anything and it wouldn’t matter to me outside of wanting to know if she was losing her mind or something.  She’s never been one to make us late because she changes her clothes 52 times or anything like that. We have three kids and they are the reason we’re always late wherever we’re going. They are also the reason we rarely go any place where appearance matters.

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So there you have it, ladies. Did you learn anything? Were you enlightened? Are you checking your cellulite in the mirror, too?  We asked for it.

Make sure and tune in next Tuesday when they tackle some of your questions that may or may not have made my guys blush.

If you have any questions you would like to add to the monologues, please feel free to leave them in the comment section or tweet them to me.

Thanks again to my guys. I loved your honesty. We need to know these things.

121 thoughts on “The Penis Monologues”

  1. A great start to a fantastic series. Brilliant candour and I think you chose some fab chaps to participate. I shall be watching this one avidly, Mandi 🙂 Thank you.

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  3. This is great you guys! I love this idea and what a perfect group of guys to share all of their manly secrets with us! You guys better answer my question. 😉

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      • I love these guys. All of them, and I’m so grateful for them for helping with this little project of mine. Feel free to chime in with anything you may or may not agree with though. Inquiring minds want to know…

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      • Forgot about this– sorry, okay, here’s a fun story that I seem to remember Twindaddy liking:

        Guys aren’t often thrilled about the prospect of getting older, although again, as your men have said, we are a little more subtle about expressing it. In fact, the story was in reference to something TD tweeted about grey hairs. In a word, I was at a men’s salon getting my hair cut, and the stylist, whom I’m sure was a little younger than me, remarked aloud about the grey hairs on my head. I snarkily quipped she wasn’t the first– Cimmorene, my MIL, and my daughter had already beaten her to the punch. Well she backpedaled real fast saying they looked like highlights. Ha. (Nice save, hun.) What did Cimmy start calling them? My “silver crown”. Any wonder why I’ve stayed with her for 15 years? 😉

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  6. I’d say the answers vary from guy to guy. Obviously there is no one size fits all answer for these questions. But they seem to have done a pretty good job of answering honestly. My answers probably would have varied slightly from theirs.

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      • Do you even notice cellulite, or is it just women who obsess about it? Usually I don’t notice it, but when I do I don’t give it much of a thought. The reason for this is because the causes of cellulite vary. One of those causes is genetics, another cause is losing too much weight too quickly. There are other causes but those are the main two. I think if it’s genetics causing the cellulite then it would hardly be proper to view it in a negative manner. The same logic applies if it’s because of extreme dieting. I think if a woman is trying to be genuinely healthy then the side affect of cellulite is nothing to look down upon. If anything it’s a positive attribute. So do I notice it, yes sometimes, but not in a negative way.

        Does it matter to you to look good for your woman, or is it a “done deal..why does it matter?” kind of gig? My queen generally only cares if I shave or not. Otherwise it depends on the occasion. Do I dress up for special occasions, of course, but in that case there’s some quid pro quo, she’s also getting fancy with her looks in that instance. In the physical sense do I need to stay in shape for her? No, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to let myself go either. I kind of like not having to shop for a bigger suit for work, so I work out for my own selfish needs.

        Do you worry about aging the way women do? Lines, wrinkles, hair loss, weight gain – does any of that phase you? How would you fight it, or is fighting it too girly? I’ve had gray hair since I was 16, so I accepted signs of aging pretty early on. I already knew genetically that hair loss was never going to be a problem for me, but I always thought that if it ever was I would just happily shave my head and be done with it. I don’t care about wrinkles or lines at all, I’ve got way to many scars for those types of things to make any difference in my appearance. Weight gain is a tough one though. I don’t necessarily care about it affecting my looks as much as I do about it affecting my performance. At one time I was a fairly competitive athlete and now I now longer am. Weight gain plays a part in that, so I tend to worry about that a little bit. The only reasonable way to fight it is to eat healthy (notice I didn’t say diet) and continue to exercise regularly.

        How long do you have to be with someone before you no longer care what they’re wearing, or how long they spend on their appearance when you go out together? Do pajamas ever really matter past the initial stage, I guess. Why or why not? I’ve never really cared what anybody has ever worn, even less so about those I have been with. But as mentioned above it depends on the occasion. If anything I’ve preferred they spend less on their appearance.

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      • Gray hair since 16? I love gray hair on men. I find it distinguished. I love also a little salt and pepper at the temples and in the stubble.

        Thanks so much for playing along. Your answers are quite refreshing. I think the bottom line and the thing I’m taking away from all of these answers is that most men maybe notice our flaws but don’t really put all stock in them. You guys like a girl who holds her head high, keeps her chin up, and wears all of herself proudly. Did I get that right?

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      • Yep it started coming in at 16. Once I was done with college (undergrad) it was totally that salt and pepper look you love. Now it is a bit more salt than pepper everytime it gets cut.

        I’m happy to answer the questions. It was fun to give my part. I think your analysis is spot on. If I could counter, I would say women probably want the same in a man. They notice flaws in men but they don’t put all stock in them. They want a man who holds his head high, keeps his chin up, and wears all of himself proudly.

        But I have been known to be wrong.

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  9. I loved this!
    Of course, now I have some blogs to go visit. The only one I know is Don, and he was hilarious, just as I expected.

    They notice cellulite. They fucking notice it. *runs to the gym*

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  12. Mandi you brilliant girl you!!! What a phenomenal idea and name: The Penis Monologues!! I see this bitch going big baby!!! It’s about damn time we put men on the hot plate!!! Make them tell all!! And what better lady to do the cookin’ than the Sexy Mandi!! And no better candidates to stoke the heat to than, Hotberg!! Phil’s been teasing us gals with his sexy pic & sexy words for far too long!! I’ll stop there, cuz he is in a committed relationship….(wink) okay for real….(she sighs) as for the other two, clearly just as cute and charming!!! I was surprised by a few of the answers; and by others was like….that’s what I thought a guy would say. So definitely a learning experience. Love the fact that you’re going to have this a regular post and Mathair & I will be regulars for sure! I can really use this as I’ve just started dating a new guy, much younger, but very cute but because of the age gap he’s like a puzzle to me!!! Would be nice to be one step ahead of him!! lol 😉 I will most definitely start spreading the word as I believe all women would love to pick the brains of men!!!

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    • Good idea, if only my kids didn’t love swimming so much. One of the reasons I wanted to do this post was because I wondered if they actually do think about them or not. I was surprised at some of the responses. What I learned was that, yes, they notice cellulite, but they notice the woman more, and that’s what is most important. Hey, thanks for stopping by!!! Hope to see you again.

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  14. Awesome job, Mandy baby! This was fun and I love that you got a guy from each relationship status. This makes you a genius AND a teenage boy pervert ;). All I can say is thank God I don’t have cellulite!

    What?

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  15. My condensed (and unsolicited) responses:

    1) Cellulite

    Yes, I notice it but I certainly don’t stop there. I’m far more likely to be turned off by tacky clothing than a physical attribute. The vibe you give off also informs my initial picture of you. Arrogant? Sweet? Dejected? Many guys can actually sense this from afar (we’re kind of self-trained to).

    2) Looking good for your lady

    This should *always* be a consideration – first meeting, going out, marriage… until the end of your days. Taking care of yourself works, first and foremost, from within. A more confident partner emerges. Having sorted myself out (and keeping on top of it), I’m in a better position to help take care of you, on all fronts. It also signals that I never, ever take you for granted.

    The challenge is when *both* begin to lapse a little bit, and *don’t* talk about it. TALK about it. You might be surprised not only by how much you have in common, but how you can work together (joint diet strategy, exercise, clothes shopping, etc) to overcome it as a couple.

    3) Aging anxieties

    Oh, yes, the level of personal intensity is the same. But airing those anxieties in front of most men is considered a mistake, an invitation for ribbing (sometimes friendly; sometimes not).

    After we make our self-deprecating jokes at work or parties about our muffin tops, “comfort” pants, etc, we’ll go home and agonize like hell over it. We stare our defects (both real and perceived) as obsessively as women do, but only our most trusted friends will ever hear about it.

    The problem is that there will never, ever be a quick fix for male hair loss or a paunch. So we either continue on in our mode of quiet self-loathing, or finally get we sick enough of our own bullshit to really do something substantial about it. Easier said than done, of course.

    Admittedly we do marvel that women actually air these fears to other women, a fair number of which we suspect will later use this material for gossip, back-biting, gentle prodding at a co-worker’s insecurities for personal gain, etc. We can only hope that at least *one* of your female friends might actually a) genuinely care, b) be in a position to be supportive in all the right ways.

    4) What we wear to bed & beyond

    PJs. I realize they’re about comfort. If you’re okay with me slipping them off when we’re both feeling amorous, then I’ve no complaints. 🙂 Admittedly, my preference is for you to sleep in the nude (as I do), but I don’t fear for our relationship if you don’t.

    If you wear them in public, however, now I’m a bit concerned. Even a preemptive apology for heading out in sweatpants (due to being in a mutual rush because, hey, it happens) is better than a cavalier “What?” You should expect no less from us when we attempt to wear our lawn mowing gear beyond the lawn.

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  16. Actually I was having a chat with the boyfie last night about things.

    He has been on a rampage trying to get me to show him my pits. I’m refusing because I haven’t waxed. I even put my housemate’s armpits on cam for him to try to appease him but apparently they aren’t mine so therefore don’t count.

    And I might have mentioned that he doesn’t get to see ‘unkept’ area’s until at least the 2nd year. And at that point it’s more because I would expect us to at least be living together and you know, there are times where you have to wait for things to grow and he might glimpse them. But till then, ain’t going to happen.

    However I am one of those chicks that will change into her pj’s or my nightie (depending on the time of year) as soon as she gets home and roll around the house in them until bed time**. At which point everything comes off.

    ** unless I’m cleaning, going out, going for a cycle, have people coming over, etc.

    It’s kind of like this fascination he has with wanting to hear me fart. I told him it’s never going to happen because, as a woman, I never fart. >.>

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      • Lol yes, I was told we don’t do all those things either. Except I was told I smell like candy.

        I ask myself the same questions.

        What’s wrong with a bit of romance and no obsession about my pits? You’re a man, you tell me!

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      • Candy? Like what kind of candy? Are we talking Abba Zabba? or Smarties?….Please dont tell me malted milk balls.
        Pits are gross. I am glad I didnt get that fetish where I like to check out girls pits. Pits smell too. Yuck. Thats like wanting to take pics of the back of someones knee caps….No boners here.

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      • Umm I’m not sure? She didn’t say. Just that I smell like lollies and she wants to lick me.
        I forgot to ask what kind! I was too busy giggling.

        Wait… You have a thing for the backs of people’s knees? My wifey does. She thinks it’s one of those softest places and shoves her finger in mine often when we’re sitting down. That sounds dirtier than it is.

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      • My wifey Shoves her finger in mine too but instead of the back of my knee she puts it in my butt….Wait? what?…..nothing….(totally joking and that was gross)

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  17. Pingback: How To Attract A Beautiful lady

  18. Hey Mandi babes!

    Thanks for inviting me to be a part of this party. It was fun and I was intrigued with the questions that were asked. I was hoping you ladies would open up with more sex questions. I just know there are a bunch of dirty/healthy minds here that have a few questions they want answered!

    Time for part 2 of this blog series!

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  20. Love it. Especially the pajamas question! I had an idea what Phil would have to say! It’s easy to forget about pj’s when you don’t have kids waking up at all hours of the night!
    Way to go, Don. We’re flannel pj’s, in spirit I mean. Somewhere between “changing 52 times before we leave” and “completely given up.” Probably closer to that 2nd thing right now, but our kids are really young, so we’re okay with that right now.
    Great answers, guys!

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