They say, “You’re not good enough.”
They say, “You’re not smart enough.”
They say, “Quit.”
They say, “What’s the point?”
They say, “If only you were…better. If only you were funnier. If only you were prettier.”
They say, “No one cares.”
They start off whispering little messages of doubt. They quiet for a bit and allow the negativity to marinate, to percolate on their acrimony. Then they start again, louder, full of malice and greed, seeking to pull out every ounce of self respect and esteem, pursuing to leave me buried in self-loathing and malevolence.
Then they scream, “Just run away. You will never be enough…”
“Shhhhhh.”
I take a deep breath. I see myself in the mirror. The girl staring back at me is strong, smart, beautiful. She is fucking good enough.
I look around at my surroundings. I count my blessings. I reach out to my daughter and pull her into an embrace where she wraps her chubby arms around my neck and squeezes me until I can hardly breath. I listen to my son tell me joke after joke and relish in his sense of humor and the joy that he gets from making me laugh. I take the hand that my husband stretches out to me and wrap my fingers around his, holding on to the foundation that we’ve created. And I smile.
For a while, the voices will quiet.
They will return. They always do. But they won’t win. I won’t let them.
Because I am strong. I am smart. I am beautiful.
I…am…fucking…good…enough.
Yes you are and never think otherwise.
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Thanks, my friend!
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Yes! You are more than enough, just the way you are. So am I. We all are.
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Yes we are! We just have to keep telling ourselves and each other that.
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I know those voices. Mine are wrong, as are yours. Tell them to STFU. You are wonderful!
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That’s pretty much what I told them, TD.
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Yay!
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Fist bump!
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You are more than good enough. Don’t ever listen to them. You rock!
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Thanks, Phil. I’ll take it coming from a fellow one who rocks! Sometimes I listen, but they never win. What I didn’t say is that they also tell me good things, too.
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Let me at those voices, Mandi. I will kick their asses.
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I kicked their asses myself, Dana, but I’m always down for some backup!
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Mandi, you know me, lovely, and you know how much I relate, and how I slam down shutters when it gets to this kind of thing, because I do. not. cry. not for demons. not for beasts.
But for you, I nearly am.
Because you are all of the good you recognise, and all of the determination, the wonderful, the beautiful, the kindness, the talent at writing, the skill at parenting, the awesome at friendship, and the wonder at muse(ing).
I know there are crappy bits as well, because we’re human, and we have crappy bits, but let me tell you what I saw as I read this (total HD movie) –
You’re downcast, with a grey aura swirling around you, blinding you, binding you, keeping you tied into these thought patterns and the fear of exposure, of being so vulnerable in front of everyone, or worse, in front of yourself…and you did it – you set your gaze, you clenched your jaw and walked into the fire, with all your tag-along demons screaming, and you started to burn…the mist burnt off, and the demons sizzled up, and your outside – the negativity, self-doubt, self-hatred, lack of worth…all the crap – went black and shattered, turning into powdery white ash, flying away in the breeze, as you stood there, burning but also so free – and as you step out of the fire, cleansed, renewed, made of molten gold and precious jewels, which cannot be burned and will not be tarnished, because they’re there already, and always were – hidden beneath the shit which you just sent skyward in a funeral pyre of glory – you are so, so much more than merely ‘enough’…you are sublime.
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Sublime…I will take that, Lizzi, and put it in my pocket for later. Thank you for the beautiful imagery in your comment. See? This is what I’m talking about. Sticky word candy. And it’s delicious.
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Good 🙂 You deserved it for this.
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*smacks lips* I’m always up for some Lizzi word candy.
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Good to know. I have a chapter in the works, and also something else for ya…but they’re both being resistant bastards at the moment and I don’t have time with this A-Z stuff still going…BUT – three day weekend coming up, so I can totally indulge in writing then 🙂
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Yeah! I can’t wait to see what you’ve cooked up!!
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Reblogged this on Hastywords and commented:
Because she is me…
Because I am her…
Because we are all fighting The Beast Inside
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Thank you, my new friend and SW. I can never tell you how much I appreciate your reblogging this, but even more for what you said, “She is me, I am her.” It is so true.
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Thank you, my new friend and SW. I can never tell you how much I appreciate your reblogging this, but even more for what you said, “She is me, I am her.” It is so true.
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I love you #SW
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I always have an expression for the negative ones. “How would you like a big cup of shut the fuck up?”
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I just tell them, “STFU!” But whatever works, right?
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DAMN right!
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I think someone says, “Bossnod.” Thanks, NB.
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Definitely good enough! Very well said 🙂
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Thank you. I am, you are, we all are.
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Just like I wrote in my post on Starr’s blog, sometimes the ones you think can’t possibly have an insecurity in the world (by looking at them from the outside) are in fact, battling some horrendous beasts. I would never guess that by looking at you, but I should know better by now. I should realize we’re all battling these same demons.
You know I can relate. You know what I think of you. What everyone thinks of you. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is what you think of yourself. I love that you shut the fuckers up and carry on because you ARE beautiful, and smart, and good enough, even though those beasts tell you otherwise. *HUGS*
If you ever want to bury those effers in alcohol (or lunch, or coffee), I’m a phone call away. Always.
Beautiful post, btw. xoxo
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Thanks, BBB. (see? I learn quick.) I’m all good now. Needed to expel some word vomit, which was very cathartic because too much shiz was brewing in my head, but today is sunny and beautiful, which always helps my dark moods. And being surrounded by so many talented and wonderful bloggers who are so uplifting and supportive has really planted a perma grin on my face. Having said that, I’d like alcohol, coffee, and lunch, STAT, but let me finish reading first.
Thanks for the nice words. It’s all too common, unfortunately.
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Wow, I understand this piece quite intimately. A matter of fact it is the story of my life. I have lived these words practically every day. They hurt. I posted a piece about criticism today. I am very sorry you feel this way. I can understand it. Too too well. Kimberly
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I am sorry that you’re having a hard time. When I wrote this, I had overcome feeling low, which was why I posted it because the truth is, I am enough. You are enough. Remind yourself that because it’s true.
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Knowing and feeling are two different things. And my 40 years of feeling is stronger than the 40 some years of knowing.
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I know my words are just that…words, but this is all I can offer you right now: Scream louder than the demons. Don’t let them win.
I plan to stalk your blog later tonight or tomorrow morning. I think I’ll learn more about you when I do.
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I know that – I found you via Hasty and she knows me quite well. I really enjoyed reading your post.
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Thank you. Looking forward to getting to know your writing.
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Yes, you fucking are. 😉 I love that song, by the way…
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It’s a great song, and thanks. So are you!
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Don’t listen to the voices!
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Yes, good advice! I only listened for a minute, and then I shut them up.
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Reblogged this on Mother of Imperfection and commented:
This is powerful and astounding and I am proud of the beautiful writer that I have the pleasure AND the honor of calling friend.
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i had to reblog this. There are moments when all of these words are in my own head and I have to stomp the living shit out of them. I hope you do the same if they show up again. You are more than beautiful, one of the smartest and most talents people I have ever met in my life and you are far beyond good enough. If you need help stomping some shit, you let me know.
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Thanks, Sandy. When I wrote this, I was pissed because I was allowing myself to bathe in the negativity. I stomped on them for sure, but if I ever need another foot, I’ll definitely let you know. I never realized this would touch so many people. It really was just word vomit that needed to get out of my head. Thanks so much for sharing and for understanding, but more for just being you. I adore you, lady…so much.
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Ohhh guuuurl. This is beautiful and powerful writing. I agree with everyone else and especially love what Hasty said, ” I am her. She is me.” You wrote a piece that will resonate with so many because we can all relate to your feelings. I also find that my son making me laugh and my husband holding my hand, those simple moments, those fight off my voices as well.
Ok I’m rambling. But thank you for this my strong, warrior SW. I’m proud to know you.
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Thanks, Deanna. I’m proud to know you, too. I’m overwhelmed with the love from the SW community and the blogosphere. And Hasty’s words…wow, just wow. Seriously.
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Love this post!I think everyone can relate to this at some point in their life.Also love the song you chose 🙂
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Thank you for stopping by and for reading. I know a lot of people will be able to relate. That song though…so good.
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Yeah 🙂
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Boom. Hugs to you, miss lady 🙂
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And back atcha!
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This is my first time here. Sandy left a link to your post.
This resonated right down to my core. I found myself in each line you wrote.
Those voices, they will tell you lies. They can get so strong that you will believe them. We have to keep fighting back. We have to.
We are worth so much to this life, to our loved ones, and to ourselves. Even when we don’t believe it, everyone else sees it and knows it and believes it to be true. It’s those times that we need to listen to THEM and not what is brewing within.
You sound like such a fighter and I know that you have it in you to conquer this. Keep writing about the beauty you find in every single day and hold them dearly.
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I will, and I appreciate your kind words. I am a fighter. I will never let them win. Sometimes they’re just louder than others. But I will always put them in their place and focus on the good. Always.
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I hate those fucking voices — the worst for me are the “You should haves” and the “You can’ts” — they do their best to make me feel like shit — and I do my best to fight back.
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Those “should’ve would’ve could’ve” ones are the worst. Absolute worst. I hate when they interrupt my sleep with those, especially after an argument with the husband or someone online who’s stupid.
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These “voices” were never louder for me than after the restraining order/naked photo debacle with my ex. They said I deserved it, that there was something wrong with me and that no matter what I did, I would always be mistreated because I somehow brought it out of people. Thankfully, I didn’t listen for too long. Learning to respond to them with the truth is the hardest part but it’s a fight you can win.
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Dude, I will always win. They can scream all they want. I scream louder.
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This almost made me cry. You really are fantastic.
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Thank you so much, Maurnas. You know I feel the same about you.
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