The Beast Inside

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They say, “You’re not good enough.”

They say, “You’re not smart enough.”

They say, “Quit.”

They say, “What’s the point?”

They say, “If only you were…better.  If only you were funnier.  If only you were prettier.”

They say, “No one cares.”

They start off whispering little messages of doubt.  They quiet for a bit and allow the negativity to marinate, to percolate on their acrimony.  Then they start again, louder, full of malice and greed, seeking to pull out every ounce of self respect and esteem, pursuing to leave me buried in self-loathing and malevolence.

Then they scream, “Just run away.  You will never be enough…”

“Shhhhhh.”

I take a deep breath.   I see myself in the mirror.  The girl staring back at me is strong, smart, beautiful.  She is fucking good enough.

I look around at my surroundings.  I count my blessings.  I reach out to my daughter and pull her into an embrace where she wraps her chubby arms around my neck and squeezes me until I can hardly breath.  I listen to my son tell me joke after joke and relish in his sense of humor and the joy that he gets from making me laugh.  I take the hand that my husband stretches out to me and wrap my fingers around his, holding on to the foundation that we’ve created.  And I smile.

For a while, the voices will quiet.

They will return.  They always do.  But they won’t win.  I won’t let them.

Because I am strong.  I am smart.  I am beautiful.  

I…am…fucking…good…enough.

59 thoughts on “The Beast Inside”

  6. Mandi, you know me, lovely, and you know how much I relate, and how I slam down shutters when it gets to this kind of thing, because I do. not. cry. not for demons. not for beasts.

    But for you, I nearly am.

    Because you are all of the good you recognise, and all of the determination, the wonderful, the beautiful, the kindness, the talent at writing, the skill at parenting, the awesome at friendship, and the wonder at muse(ing).

    I know there are crappy bits as well, because we’re human, and we have crappy bits, but let me tell you what I saw as I read this (total HD movie) –

    You’re downcast, with a grey aura swirling around you, blinding you, binding you, keeping you tied into these thought patterns and the fear of exposure, of being so vulnerable in front of everyone, or worse, in front of yourself…and you did it – you set your gaze, you clenched your jaw and walked into the fire, with all your tag-along demons screaming, and you started to burn…the mist burnt off, and the demons sizzled up, and your outside – the negativity, self-doubt, self-hatred, lack of worth…all the crap – went black and shattered, turning into powdery white ash, flying away in the breeze, as you stood there, burning but also so free – and as you step out of the fire, cleansed, renewed, made of molten gold and precious jewels, which cannot be burned and will not be tarnished, because they’re there already, and always were – hidden beneath the shit which you just sent skyward in a funeral pyre of glory – you are so, so much more than merely ‘enough’…you are sublime.

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  12. Just like I wrote in my post on Starr’s blog, sometimes the ones you think can’t possibly have an insecurity in the world (by looking at them from the outside) are in fact, battling some horrendous beasts. I would never guess that by looking at you, but I should know better by now. I should realize we’re all battling these same demons.

    You know I can relate. You know what I think of you. What everyone thinks of you. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is what you think of yourself. I love that you shut the fuckers up and carry on because you ARE beautiful, and smart, and good enough, even though those beasts tell you otherwise. *HUGS*

    If you ever want to bury those effers in alcohol (or lunch, or coffee), I’m a phone call away. Always.

    Beautiful post, btw. xoxo

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    • Thanks, BBB. (see? I learn quick.) I’m all good now. Needed to expel some word vomit, which was very cathartic because too much shiz was brewing in my head, but today is sunny and beautiful, which always helps my dark moods. And being surrounded by so many talented and wonderful bloggers who are so uplifting and supportive has really planted a perma grin on my face. Having said that, I’d like alcohol, coffee, and lunch, STAT, but let me finish reading first.

      Thanks for the nice words. It’s all too common, unfortunately.

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  13. Wow, I understand this piece quite intimately. A matter of fact it is the story of my life. I have lived these words practically every day. They hurt. I posted a piece about criticism today. I am very sorry you feel this way. I can understand it. Too too well. Kimberly

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  17. i had to reblog this. There are moments when all of these words are in my own head and I have to stomp the living shit out of them. I hope you do the same if they show up again. You are more than beautiful, one of the smartest and most talents people I have ever met in my life and you are far beyond good enough. If you need help stomping some shit, you let me know.

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    • Thanks, Sandy. When I wrote this, I was pissed because I was allowing myself to bathe in the negativity. I stomped on them for sure, but if I ever need another foot, I’ll definitely let you know. I never realized this would touch so many people. It really was just word vomit that needed to get out of my head. Thanks so much for sharing and for understanding, but more for just being you. I adore you, lady…so much.

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  18. Pingback: The Beast Inside | Cellulite Looks Better Tan - Mother of Imperfection

  19. Ohhh guuuurl. This is beautiful and powerful writing. I agree with everyone else and especially love what Hasty said, ” I am her. She is me.” You wrote a piece that will resonate with so many because we can all relate to your feelings. I also find that my son making me laugh and my husband holding my hand, those simple moments, those fight off my voices as well.

    Ok I’m rambling. But thank you for this my strong, warrior SW. I’m proud to know you.

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  22. This is my first time here. Sandy left a link to your post.
    This resonated right down to my core. I found myself in each line you wrote.
    Those voices, they will tell you lies. They can get so strong that you will believe them. We have to keep fighting back. We have to.
    We are worth so much to this life, to our loved ones, and to ourselves. Even when we don’t believe it, everyone else sees it and knows it and believes it to be true. It’s those times that we need to listen to THEM and not what is brewing within.
    You sound like such a fighter and I know that you have it in you to conquer this. Keep writing about the beauty you find in every single day and hold them dearly.

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  23. I hate those fucking voices — the worst for me are the “You should haves” and the “You can’ts” — they do their best to make me feel like shit — and I do my best to fight back.

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  24. These “voices” were never louder for me than after the restraining order/naked photo debacle with my ex. They said I deserved it, that there was something wrong with me and that no matter what I did, I would always be mistreated because I somehow brought it out of people. Thankfully, I didn’t listen for too long. Learning to respond to them with the truth is the hardest part but it’s a fight you can win.

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